Possible big turn of events...

[mtngal]

Don't know where my post went from yesterday, but see it isn't here! So sorry you are having to deal with this long distance. It's so hard to know what's really going on via email. Glad you got to talk to your Dad. And like others said, I hope you aren't pushed into any hasty decisions. Take care girl friend!

[Carolinagal]

Barbie, I've been there, done that, I have no advice, just prayers for you in your choices, and that you will know what is the best for 'YOU'. Some have offered very good choices and opinions here , hopefully it will help you.

We are all here for you, ((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

CArol

[RitaMc]

Having a step son with alcohol and drug addiction I know how hard you want to try and make your Dad's life better. But we have learned that no matter what we do for him, the problem doesn't go away. No matter how hard it is to accept, he is the only one who can turn his life around and make it better for himself. I urge you to make the decsion to give up your life and move back to be closer with you father, only after great consideration and advice from those who work with addictions. Al-anon is a good start before you make the final decision. Good luck to you and you will be in my prays for the right decision to be made for both you and your father.

[Ladyhawk]

I know you have a lot of thinking to do right now, but I agree that you should do what's best for you. Sending you peaceful thoughts to help get you started.

[Irmi]

Barbie, I can't add anything to what everyone else has already posted. Don't do anything hasty and know we are all here for you. Take care.

[dayspring39]

Oh Barbie what a lot you have on your mind.. my prayers are with you and your dad... I should not give advice but will, join al-anon even if you stay in CA... it will help...
Kathleen

[OutandAbout]

Barbie, all good advice here. I remember you saying you have 2 brothers. Talk with them more and find out what is really going on with BOTH of them. Perhaps there is more going on then just your father's drinking. Possibly your brothers don't really want to deal with your father's health problems and his aging? My advise would be to NOT let guilt make the decision for you. HUGS and support to you. Linda

[BarbaraRose]

Thank you all for your words of advice and encouragement!
After finding out more about the situation, talking to my dad, and doing a lot of soul searching, I have decided to stay here. My SIL and brother (Paul) were hesitant to tell me because they didn't want me to feel guilty and feel like I needed to go back there.

I think the best thing I can do now is to stay in closer touch with my dad by calling him more often and also to send him occasional letters with photos I've been taking out here. He doesn't have a computer so he doesn't get to see any of the photos I post on-line. It will give him something to look forward to and maybe keep his spirits up (and leave the other "spirits" alone!).

I have been to Al Anon and ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) before and they were great groups! I will check into that out here.

I still have lots of things to do, see and explore out here!

[AlmostThere]

Barbie, I am late in chiming in, but glad you got great advice and searched your soul for the right decision for you. I know that sharing such personal matters was probably difficult, so thank you for trusting us. We gals here come with allot of combined years of wisdom. Hugs!

[Nasoosie]

Barbie, as others have said, you simply cannot make an alcoholic 'better.' If he is choosing to medicate himself to death, he will keep on no matter what the situation. My father, a long-time alcoholic, came to visit me one summer up here, after he had moved to FL following my mother's death. He brought me his treasures he had kept all his life----his fiddle, 78 rpm records original cuts of very famous musicians and singers, some treasured photos, and more. While here, he said he wasn't drinking any more. He would often go his car, ostensibly to get something. I followed after him one day, and discovered tons of vitamin pill containers in his trunk, all filled with booze. I tried desperately to get him to go our local rehab facility and stay with us for a while-----all to no avail. When he pulled out of here I knew I would never again see him alive. And I never did. I got a call that a neighbor had found him dead in his house. (the one I now live in in FL in the winter) When I went down there to settle the estate, the condition of the house where he had died and the realization of how awful was his death, was something out of a horror movie. Suffice it to say, the guilt I felt was overwhelming----should I have followed after him? Could I have forced him to go to rehab?

In retrospect, I know there was nothing I could do. I had a family with two young kids, a husband with a great job up here, and my own life. I simply could NOT have done anything for him. Alcoholism, like any drug addiction, is a pervasive, deadly disease, and without the want of the addict to get better, it is a one-way ticket to nowhere. Be kind to yourself, try to make your ife the best you can have, and that, in the big scheme of things, is what your father would be wanting for you. All that said, it is such a sad situation for all family members that their hands are tied. Big hugs to you, and be true to yourself and your life choices. Resentment for changing your life to accomodate an alcoholic can be much more painful than losing them from afar.

[JanetA]

WOW!! Your letter to Barbie was one of the best letters I've ever read and so well said that NOTHING else needs saying.

My deepest condolences to you for your sad experience,, no matter how long ago it was,,,and prayers and hugs to Barbie in her valiant effort to cope and keep her own identity and life. Sometimes one just has to be true to oneself to keep from losing it. I am certain that it will work out just fine.


fondest regards,,

JanetA

[BarbaraRose]

Soos, that was a very moving and meaningful message! Thank you for sharing that!
You have all given great advice from your own personal experiences and I really appreciate that. It is difficult emotionally, wanting to help someone but not being able to, and yet feeling guilty about it. I have been thru a lot over the years trying to deal with my dad's drinking. All I can do now is keep in touch more often and hope for the best for him, while continuing to live my own life out here.
Thank you all again

[ali1257]

Barbie...{{{HUGS}}} are first and foremost. I grew up with an alcoholic mom, dad, grandma and grandpa...not fun at all. My dad quit drinking after he tried to commit suicide when he was placed in a locked care facility. He lived 5 years after he was moved. Dealing with him was hard. I went to ACOA - Adult Children of Alcoholics for 3 years - did lots of growing up then and learned lots about my relationship not only with my dad but with my mom and grandparents - all were divorced from each other and married multiple times.

I am glad you were able to make a decision based on what you need. The one thing I did while my dad was in the care facility was send him a card each week. I could put in pictures of our boys and write a little note. I chose the card route because it meant I didn't have to write lots to him. I loved him but just didn't know what or how to respond to him.

Thanks for sharing about your decision making and hope that you are having a good day. What have you decided about GC? and the move to San Diego?