Very long - thoughtts please -

[ali1257]

With planning our trip to Hondo i have been thinking of sending a letter to my sister. Here is the short version of what is going on:

As a 17 yr old I was raped by my step-dad. I did not tell anyone for 11 yrs (he had threatened to kill my mom if I told anyone. I knew it was possible for that to happen knowing who he hung around with. Anyway I finally told Ron, went to counseling and then decided to confront my mom. Did - that was a disaster. I told her my fear was that he had done something to my sister, Joanie. Mom said never, she (Joanie) would have told her. Mom never did believe me, said I was making it up for attention. Anyway, Mom and sister quit talking to me for over 10 years. Stuff happened and Mom started talking to me again. Sister never really did. Mom got cancer in summer of 2005, I saw her 4x from the summer till she died on Halloween. Sister tried to keep me from her in the hospital, I had to get the social worker involved, she then tried to keep me from my mom at home, she lived with my mom, but my aunt intervened. After mom died, fought for a year to get a copy of the will and my inheritance - not much about $20,000 total. Sister was executor of will...fun NOT. Then older sister, Kathy died in September 2008. Joanie said "hello" when I walked in the room and then when I said good-bye to my niece she also said good-bye. Have not spoken to her since.

Some of the comments that she has said to me over the years: "Mom loved me more because she spent all that time with me when I was in the hospital" - I had 7 eye surgeries between age 10 and 17 due to eye accident. She told my pastor when my mom was dying that "Ali is not allowed in our home because Joanie was afraid for her physical well being" Pastor told her that was ridiculous and that was when my aunt stepped in so I could see my mom. She made it clear to Ron that she hated me because my parents loved me more. When my dad was in the care hospital for dementia and didn't know anyone but me, it was because he loved me more. Anyway, you get the gist....not a good relationship at all.

Now to today...my sister is my only living relative other than my aunt (mom's sister) my niece, older sister's daughter. I have been thinking of family and how important family is to me...and maybe just maybe is there any way to have a relationship with my sister. She is 47 and I am 53. Is it just wishful thinking or should I pursue it...

I have thought of just showing up on her door when we pass through Sunnyvale, CA on our way to Hondo. She can either invite me in or slam the door on my face. She does love Ron....communicates to him very sporadically. Maybe he should knock on the door and I stand behind him.

I have also thought of writing a letter to her. Telling her we are moving to Texas. I would like to talk with her. Life is too short to have this hatred between us...let's just move forward. I want to tell her she has two handsome nephews, 3 beautiful great nieces and nephews. She is missing out on so much.

Just not sure I should even make the effort ~~~ so that brings me here...asking you all in your wisdom what do you think? Please be honest with me...I need to hear good/bad thoughts, questions to ask myself?

Thank you for listening. Ali

[Liz]

Ali, I am so sorry for all those things you described that led to bad relationships in your family. I know that must be hard. I would say make the gesture to heal the differences. I would write ahead and not just show up at the door. Pray and let the Holy Spirit be your guide. If she rejects you, then you'll just have to keep praying for God to soften her heart; at least you will have tried.

[ali1257]

Thanks Liz and I have been praying and will continue to do so and also have asked Ron to pray with me and for this decision.

[VickieP]

Ali, I know it wasn't easy to share this with us, but I'm glad you had the trust in us to be able to share this part of your life and the struggles you have. I'm sorry that you had to go thru what you did, I think it's the things that happen in our lives that make us who we are and I know from your posts that you are a loving, caring woman. You know already that you can't control other people and their feelings or actions, only your own. I think you should consider going by her house to see her before you go to TX. Tell her that you love her, miss her and want to be in her life. The rest is up to her, she may or may not be able to do that, depending on if she's ready to let it go and move forward, but you can leave knowing that you let her know how you feel and if she's not ready then, then at some point she may be ready. If she isn't, then you'll have to let her go, continue with your life and the rest of your family knowing that it's out of your hands now.

[BirdbyBird]

Write what is in your heart. Keep it simple. It isn't as if you can convince her of something or make her understand something. But you willingness to reconnect gives her an opportunity to respond....if she can/wants to. There is something about words on paper.....Even if she can not accept or understand now...you always have the hope that she can read and reread. And I learned a long time ago that you can't reason with unreasonableness....that there are many kinds of disabilities and some are of the heart.....all you can be responsible for is your willingness to move on to the future....
And I just read Vickie's post. (cuz I am slow....) and stopping by could work to. I think you could have something brief written out to give and leave with her depending upon how she seemed to respond to your visit.

[snowball]

Ali what an awful thing to have happen...as bad as the rape would have been the disbelief would I think have been worse. But I've never gone through that so I am not sure how it would effect me....just sorry that you had to go through it...
I'm wondering if you wrote out how you felt (and that would be on so hard for me to do) mail it so it gets there a day or two before you would so she wouldn't have time to either ignore it or write and say don't come...tell her you are moving will be stopping by to see her and your aunt then do so if she isn't responsive or receptive to your visit you have tried visit with the aunt and enjoy that visit...my heart goes out to you
Hope you will have time to stop by when you go through AZ
sheila

[ali1257]

Thanks Ladies....I will let you know how I decide to handle it and the outcome. Thanks for sharing with me.

The reason I shared is that I just felt that I needed some feedback from others about such a heavy thing.

Yes, I have faced some very hard things in my life but through it all I have a Lord who loves me and a hubby who has stood by my side for over 35 years. I truly believe he is one of the best gifts God has blessed me with.

[Getupngo]

Ali, I can feel your pain as I read your post and I, too, have an estranged family based on the same kinds of dysfunction & criminal behavior. I don't have any suggestions about the "best" way to approach your sister. But your sister's extreme jealousy and reactivity tells me that your fear about stepdad getting at Joanie is probably true.

If she is really believed your parents loved you "more," I can see her perhaps denying the abuse in order to bond with Mom against you. Which means that she is probably still very unhealed from her abuse. I'm glad you have taken the steps to uncover your pain and heal. That takes great courage, I know.

Here is what is precarious: now Joanie has no "territory" (mom) left to protect. I don't know where that leaves her emotionally. But if you approach her, I'm sure you know that forming a relationship with her could be precarious for you and for her. I would suggest you connect with your therapist before you make an approach and ask him/her help you develop a plan.

With my history of abuse I can develop very wide blind spots -- especially about family. The therapist, who knows your family history, can ask the right questions to help you uncover those "blind" suppositions / aspirations. I just care that you are able to protect yourself as you go forward.

God bless.

[Nasoosie]

Very wise advice from all who responded, Ali. I am so sorry for your long years of terror for what happened to you. No human being should be attacked by any family member, but, of course, family members are no more perfect than anyone else in society, it would seem. Step-parents, for some reason, use the "I am not a blood relative" excuse for terrible behavior way too often. You have made a great leap in getting healed by expressing your emotions and facing them.

Now, as far as reconciling with your sister, Janice made a very good point about getting some professional advice about how to approach her, especially if she, too, has been violated by her stepdad.

However, in the long run, it's almost a "damned if you---damned if you don't" situation. You will never know what might be possible if you don't try something to be able to share the rest of your lives with your sister. But you must be prepared to deal with rejection from her, too, should that be way it could be. The catch is to find the best way, the least threatening way (to your sister) to try for some kind of relationship.

I will hope you find the way to her heart and that you and she can be the sisters you both need.

Hugs and strength to you both as you deal with this.

[retiredhappy]

Alli, personally I would be inclined to write a letter telling her you would like to have her in your life then followup with a phone call. She might be able to deal with you initially on the phone rather than in person. It might make the transition into a relationship easier. Just remember that the only person's behavior you can control is your own. All you can do is make the effort which would probably mean not going into past issues but just trying to go forward. You probably would never be able to change her past feelings but you might be able to build a new future. Good luck to you and all our prayers go with you.

[AlmostThere]

Among with all the other good advice, I wanted to reiterate on the counseling part. I would seek counsel and have the tools in place to protect your emotional state. To have an idea what is important at this time to discuss with your sister. Baby steps. Very tiny baby steps, as she needs healing, too and if she isn't/hasn't gotten any, she is at a complete loss, so you may not get the answers you are hoping for at this time. Don't be disappointed, but soldier on. It's extremely hard work, for you both, and then there is Ron who, although he's your Rock, will need to know how to best mentor you, and keep himself on even keel.
Lifting you all up in prayer.
((hugs))

[ali1257]

Good morning Ladies

Thank you all for your words of encouragement and counsel. I do have an appointment this afternoon with my therapist. She, along with my pastor counseled me for over 8 years off/on on this healing journey I have been on. Marla is great at asking questions and getting me to think of things I have not thought of. We always begin and end our sessions with prayer. It is so great to not only have a Godly woman as a counselor but as a sister in the Lord.

Will keep you updated on what happens.

Thanks and God bless each of you as you go through your day.

[Bethers]

Ali, I'm glad you're talking with your counselor first - who knows the situation. Something else I would say - be very careful about just showing up at her door. That might be more than she's ready for and the slam in the face might not happen if she can have time (letter, phone calls, etc) first. Also, she might feel comfortable after the letter, phone calls, etc having you come to her house, or might not - a neutral territory (like a restaurant) might be easier if she does agree to meet.

All this said, please, if she doesn't want to see you, I know it will hurt, but then it might be time to send a letter saying you'll always be open to getting together but you are respecting her choice not to - however, you're door is always open. Then, put it behind you.

I say this with tears - I'm sorry you have to go through this. And while none of our situations are the same, some of us are in similar situations. I have a brother who I will most likely never see again. While I deal with that farily well, it hurts that I know my nieces (both of whom I spent a lot of time with when they were younger) no longer know me at all, and I wasn't invited to either wedding. I have a nephew that I only saw once - at my mother's memorial service. Sometimes, we have to make family - and while I'm lucky to have a real sister that is still family, otherwise, my family are some of my friends that are closer to me than the blood bond could ever have made my brother and me.

Good luck to you - I hope that your sister is willing to take a step (or 10 or 100) towards you.

[avalen]

good advice from everybody and I know your taking it all in and still working on your
decision as to how you are going to handle it. I just want you to know my prayers
are with you on this very emotional journey you have ahead of you with your sister.

[ali1257]

Good evening Friends

Had a great visit with Marla (my therapist) and Ron finished jury duty early so he was also here which worked out really well. We got caught up with each other and then I told her why I wanted to meet with her.

~~wanting to reach out to my sister one more time. She asked a few questions of me and then asked Ron what he thought...the biggy being IF she refuses to see me would that cause me to spiral down the slippery slope. After a lengthy discussion we have worked out a plan.

1. Continue to pray for Joanie
2. Get our itinerary figured out so we know exactly when we will be in Sunnyvale, CA (near San Jose)
3. Send a card stating we are moving to Texas and will be coming through Sunnyvale on XXXX and would like to connect with her to say hello and see each other before our move, if she would like, if not that would be okay
4. Give her my phone number, Ron's phone number and our email addresses
5. Adding a small line that has our Texas address (need to get that from Lone Star Corral) so she has a way to contact us in Texas if she chooses not to meet with us while we are in California
6. I am also going to put our boys' addresses & phone numbers in the card as well.

Then IF she wants to meet in Sunnyvale we will meet at a restaurant ~ public place less chance of a scene happening

Then IF she does not want to meet she will still have the means to contact me/us sometime in the future.

I feel very good about our talk and the plan and with whatever the outcome is. I know what i would like to have happen but I also know that I can't make her do anything that she does not want or feel led to do. What I can do is acknowledge i am doing what I can and want to do and know I am doing it without too many expectations.

Thanks again for all your thoughts, questions, encouragement and prayers. I will continue to keep you all updated on what happens.