My daughter...

[BarbaraRose]

OK, here is my big, personal story. I feel I "know" you ladies enough to share this and now I know at least one of you can relate to this situation...
Nine years ago, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl when I was living in Denver (Monday is her 9th birthday!). My life was in turmoil, my parents were getting older (mom's health was failing), my dad was still an active alcoholic, the baby's father wanted nothing to do with either me or the baby (turns out he had a fiance I didn't know about), and after months of agonizing thought, I decided it would be best for my baby to be placed for adoption so she could have all the things in life I never had (ie; two healthy parents, a healthy, supportive environment, opportunities I couldn't provide, etc.).
I made the decision to go with an "open" adoption, meaning I could choose the couple who would adopt her, and be able to see her and be part of her life as she grew up. That was extremely important to me! I decided to choose a couple in Minnesota, knowing I would be moving back to take care of my mom, and I wanted my parents to be able to visit with their only granddaughter.
After much consideration, working with an adoption agency both in Denver and in Minneapolis, I chose what I considered the perfect parents, Pam and Bob. They were my age, loved animals, and we got along terrific!
Our "agreement" was that I would get 6 visits per year. However, on my due date (I went 10 days over), they called and said they only wanted to do 3 visits per year. I was not happy at all, but at that point, I reluctantly agreed.
The pregnancy was perfect but the birth was 15 hours of labor before an emergency C-section! P&B and my parents were there for it. Naomi Victoria Rose was born on March 29th, very healthy!
It was extremely difficult to hand her over to them after the 4 days in the hospital and I cried all the way home (and for the next two weeks!). They renamed her Jordan Raine
Anyways, I soon moved back to Minnesota. Then all contact with P&B was cut off! They wouldn't take my calls, respond to my e-mails, nothing. (no, I wasn't harassing them). I was devastated! I went thru a serious depression for several years. It took two years and $10,000 in lawyer fees to finally get them to agree to one visit per year and a written update with pictures 6 months in between. None of this is legally binding. I got my first visit when Naomi was two. Since then, we have had wonderful visits every year about a week or two after her birthday. They have since renigged on the updates and photos, saying they don't have time (huh??). I sit around anxiously every year around this time, waiting and wondering if I will hear from them about the visit. (I later learned that their adoption counselor told them to agree to anything I wanted just to get the baby and then legally, they didn't have to keep the agreement once the baby was theirs. Nice, huh?)

On the bright side, they are fabulous parents! She is very happy and loved! They have a nice home with a swimming pool, they take lots of vacations all over, they have her involved in all sorts of sports and activities that she loves. She has a great sense of humor, a great attitude (doesn't act spoiled), very creative (from me), and very smart (from her bdad), adores animals, plays golf, tennis, gymnastics, soccer, horseback riding, swimming, camping, etc. I am very proud of her!

I think she knows I am her birthmom but P&B never let me get alone with her to talk at all. We meet at a public place (an indoor park) for about 3 hours. I am hoping that eventually she will want to see me more and we can form a close friendship down the road.
So now I am anxiously waiting to hear something from P&B about our next visit...
There it is in (almost) a nutshell.

This is Naomi at our visit last year...she put the ribbon from the birthday gift I gave her (a book on horses), in her hair. She is always smiling like this!

[avalen]

she's a lovely child, looks like you. Hopefully you won't have to wait and wonder
too long and you'll get that call soon for a visit.

[AlmostThere]

Thank you for sharing your story about your lovely daughter. What a wonderful gift you gave her in allowing another couple to raise her with so much love, and how brave and loving of you to hand pick them. I'm sorry things got sideways concerning your visits and picture updates. I can imagine just how excited your are about seeing her for her birthday, and I'm sure you'll hear something soon. Are you allowed to take pictures when you get together?
I will send up some prayers. (((((HUGS)))))

[Liz]

She is a beautiful little girl. Sorry your relationship hasn't developed as you planned, hopefully that will change as she gets older. At least you can be comforted that she is happy in the life you provided for her through adoption. Thanks for sharing your story, and as you said, you can draw strength through others who have been through it.

[Nasoosie]

Thank you, Barbie, for trusting us with this. A person's behavior very often is the clothing for their souls, and I recognized your clothes! I, too, am at least one of us who has been there, as I guess you probably read a while back in a post I wrote. My adoption story has had a wonderful ending, but that came after 30+ years of not knowing anything about my daughter, as mine was a closed adoption.

I need the time to respond to your post, because, as you can all guess, this is a part of my life that has influenced who I have become in a huge way. Believe it, or not, I had a 'feeling' about your having a child. I cannot explain these 'feelings' I often have, but more often than not, they are right on. I was more afraid your child had died, however, than that she had been adopted, especially after a recent post you wrote when asked if you had any kids. That weird feeling of mine came on hard when I read your response to that question. I am ecstatic to read she is alive, and looking so happy! Sometimes I wish I didn't have that 'weird ability' or whatever one might call it, but I do.

Your daughter is absolutely beautiful, and the great picture shows that she is a VERY happy girl! You can be so proud! I will respond more when I feel I am not rushed to do anything but think and write! I am so happy for you!

[BarbaraRose]

Thank you for your kind responses. I have had some very negative responses from some people in the past, so I am very leary about sharing this with others until I feel I can trust them and won't be judged.
Yes, I take tons of pictures when we visit! Especially since those are the only pictures I get of her now. I will let you know when I hear something...

[BirdbyBird]

She is beautiful.... Some journeys seem to demand more courage than others..... Yours has required much. Maybe that means that the future may allow the balance to swing back the other direction! If nothing else your knowledge of your own strength so far is something no one can take from you. You have survived!

[dpf]

Barbie: (((((Hugs))))) She is beautiful both inside and out...like her birth mother. Just pray that someday you will be able to have a close relationship with her. You had to make such an extremely difficult decision and I'm disappointed in the adopted parents who reneged on their promises. I sincerely hope you receive a call soon.

[mitch5252]

..

Barbie, your daughter is beautiful. You did a very selfless thing giving her up for adoption.
My good friend (who was just here for 4 1/2 days) has gone though a similar thing recently with her daughter - having to give up her first grandchild. It was very, very difficult, but luckily, the "open" part is working out pretty well. The adoptive couple wants the 'tummy mommy' (and my friend) involved in the child's life.

Glad you felt comfortable enough with the women here to share your story.

..

[retiredhappy]

If you read a previous post you know I also adopted out a daughter and didn't get to meet her until she was in her 30's. She had a wonderful adoptive family who loved her very much and did things for her that I wouldn't have done so as hard as it was, I had done the right thing.

I have mixed feelings about open adoptions. Put yourself in the adoptive parents shoes - with the birth mother always in the picture if must be very difficult for them to feel they are completely the parents. As for the child, it must be very hard for them to process "adoptive" parent vs. "birth"mother when the child is young. Frankly I think its the parents job to discuss the situation with the child, not yours. I know that sounds harsh but if you put the child's well-being first, its the right thing to do. As hard as it is for you, IMO I think you should back off some. Believe me, there will come a time when the child will WANT to get to know you better as she gets older. My daughter Kim and I have a great relationship now and are in constant touch. The one thing you don't want is for your child to feel torn between you and her parents. You will always be a factor in her life but more like an aunt, not her mother. Consider yourself lucky, you knew where your daughter was and what kind of parents she had. For 30 years, I didn't even know if mine was alive.

[BarbaraRose]

FIrst of all, I can't put myself in the adoptive parents shoes because I am the birthmother. Second, if they didn't feel comfortable having the birthmom in their child's life, they never should have agreed to an open adoption in the first place. The lies and betrayal I have felt from them, have been horrendously painful to me. Also, I can't back off, since I am not involved in her life at all anyways, other than 3 hours a year. I have no other contact with them other than that. I am sure she has asked them many questions about her adoption, but there are many questions that she most likely will have that only I can answer for her when that time comes. I also feel that open adoption is better because the child doesn't have to worry that they were just "dumped" off somewhere by some uncaring, unloving woman. They need to know that they were, in fact, loved by their birthmom, and that they weren't rejected because something was wrong with them, which many adopted kids feel when they grow up in closed adoptions. She wouldn't feel torn between me and her parents because I wouldn't be anything other than a friend to her, not trying to be another mom. As far as putting her well-being first, I already did that when I gave her up. Sorry, but this stirred up some feelings...

[Getupngo]

Barbie, I have so much respect for women who will choose to go through with an unwanted pregnancy -- and then give that child up out of love. I'm sorry the APs ambushed you with a new "deal" when you were most vulnerable -- with no intention of keeping their word in the long run.

BUT ... you have SUCH a beautiful daughter and much to be proud of ... including your selfless decision to give her what you thought would be better than you could provide. You are a strong, loving mother ... I'm just sorry your arms are empty.

[VickieP]

Barbie, thank you for sharing your story with us and feeling comfortable in doing so. I know that different people have different opinions, just like we all have our own versions of our perfect rv, that's what makes us so individual. BUT, just like we all contribute and in a whole group, the individual things is what makes us whole. I don't know if that makes sense, let me see, we are not carbon copies of each other, but it's pieces of our varied opinions that form us and are a part of us. Just like you may not realize it, but just meeting with your birth daughter once a year will influence her in ways you won't know till later. She will remember you as that nice lady who she got to laugh and visit with and who loved to take pics of her and was kind to her. Later she will learn of your love for her without her having the fear of meeting someone she's never seen or spent time with. Let us know when you get the call and keep a positive feeling in your heart. {{{Hugs}}}

[retiredhappy]

Sorry if I offended you. Forty years ago things were a lot different - there was no such thing as open adoption so I didn't have a choice. In those days if you kept your child they were always called a bastard. I guess I was lucky - Kim's adoptive parents always told her she was adopted (chosen) and that her birth mother loved her but just because of circumstances, couldn't raise her so she never felt "dumped". Would I have stayed in her life, if allowed to? Yes. I am sorry your adoptive parents didn't live up to their word - that's not right. If I was unable to get pregnant and desperately wanted a child, would I say or do anything to get one? Yes. There will come a day when your daughter wants to know more about you and the fact that you got to see her at all, to me would have been a blessing. I was not even allowed to hold my daughter in the hospital at all and if a nurse hadn't let it slip that "she" was doing fine, I wouldn't even have been told what sex my baby was. My daughter told me she didn't really wonder about her birth mother until she was in her teens and really began to understand. Again, times were so much different. I envy you even once a year getting to see your daughter - you can't even imagine how bad it was EVERY year on her birthday to wonder where she was and how she was, and was she happy? Well taken care of? Abused? Dead? Being reunited with her was a gift from God and I bless her adoptive parents for bringing her up to be such a wonderful, loving person. I also gained a granddaughter when we were reunited. She's beautiful and smart and graduates from college this year.

[Acadianmom]

I have a friend that went through an open adoption and in her case it was the birth family that drifted away. Her child has always know about the adoption and at age 12 started asking more questions and wanting to meet his birth parents, brother and sister. A meeting was arranged and that seemed to satisfy him. I would think that the brother and sister would be more interested in knowing him but they aren't.

Age 12 was when my son wanted to see his "dead beat" dad. I found him and arranged a meeting. Of course he made promises to my son that he never kept. I know he resented the way his dad treated him and he considers his step father his dad. I always felt like it was good riddance to bad rubbish but maybe I should have tried harder to keep them in touch. I was always the one that had to bring him for any visit and at age 6 he would cry if I told him we were going so I just quit.

Just keep making an effort to be in your daughter's life. At some point she will be able to call you and they won't be able to stop her.

Martha