A senseless loss ...

[AlmostThere]

My sympathy and prayers go out to your family.

[Sparkle]

This is why suicides are reported as happening when "the balance of the mind was disturbed." He wasn't thinking of the consequences, the loss of income, the pain of those left behind. As everyone has said, the family needs to do whatever will help them get through this.

[Forestgal]

Senseless is right. And it's amazing to hear someone who works with unbalanced minds doing something they know makes no sense. Your BIL is the second clinical psych. I've heard of who's taken his life. Of all the people/professions, you'd think they'd know enough to get help when they're so off-balance.

My prayers are with you and your family ...

Laura

[Barbzeee]

Janice,...I'm so sorry to read this news..Suicide is never painless for those left behind..and causes so many changes in everyones lives.. I do agree with the other sistahs...let the children have their choices..they need to heal and have others to reach out too as well.. How very sad for your brother in law..the guilt he felt and the emptiness..of no where to turn then a final out.. How truly sad.

Keeping you in my prayers dear sistah..

God Bless
Zeee.

[ali1257]

Janice

I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words that I can share that would take away the pain. As many have said, the funeral is for the living...do what is best for you, his sons, and the rest of the family.

We are here for you if you need to talk.

Thinking good thoughts for you and your extended family.

Ali

[bluepinecones]

Just adding my sympathy and hugs for you. Words are never enough at times like this. Be strong and know you have a lot of support ad positive thoughts coming to you from here.

[VickieP]

So sorry your family is going through this loss and like others have said, do what is necessary to have closure and express their grief in whatever way they decide.

[snowball]

Janice
so sorry to hear this news... I can only say that others have said it all..........((((((((hugs)))))) to and hopefully everyone is dealing as best they can
sheila

[Getupngo]

Senseless is right. And it's amazing to hear someone who works with unbalanced minds doing something they know makes no sense. Your BIL is the second clinical psych. I've heard of who's taken his life. Of all the people/professions, you'd think they'd know enough to get help when they're so off-balance.

My prayers are with you and your family ...

Laura

It's been my observation that many people who pursue careers in mental health are battling their own demons by proxy. I had always thought my BIL was quite well-adjusted, considering what he did for a living.

I thought I had largely exhausted my anger. But I went back over to to see Pam & the boys tonight ... and the eldest son (about 24 years old) suddenly melted down in the middle of a crowded room. He lay there, convulsing and wailing for about 10 minutes about how he didn't support his father enough as he went through his hard time. And I got angry again. If there is life after death I hope those who pass can see what happens in the aftermath. I want my BIL to see that.

[SeeyaGal]

I read a book once about a guy who died but was brought back to life and he was a bully in life and God made him feel all the pain he inflicted on the other people so he would feel their pain and when he was brought back to life he was told to totally change his life around and he did and was kinder to people, his name was Dannion Brinkley. Dannion wrote about it in his first book "Saved by the Light".

[MsBHaven]

Janice, so sorry for your family loss. I agree with carold that funerals are for the living to allow them to grieve and be with those who can comfort them during a difficult time.

[Nasoosie]

Janice, my heart goes out to you and to your brother-in-law's family who is so totally devastated. It occurs to me that the most crushing emotions following a suicide death is the guilt that invariably happens in the survivors. Your poor nephew experienced that full force. However, guilt is always a facet of the emotions following any death, I believe, no matter how it happens. I think it's human nature to think we might have 'done something wrong' or to think 'why didn't I see this coming' or to think 'I wish I had told the person what he needed to hear' or 'what ifs' ad infinitum, and on and on and on. Humans like to believe they could have made a difference, but that is usually not true....perhaps never true. When a person makes up his/her mind that the world would be better off without them, that feeling of righteousness surpasses anything anybody else could say or do. I also believe a person expert in others' emotions and mental problems can be just that more adept at rearranging their own outlook on life, as apparently happened to your brother-in-law.

Please take care of yourself through this supportive role that has been forced upon you, and realize that anger is a very rational emotion to feel in this situation. The conflict between feelings of loss and feelings of anger at the person for causing the loss can seem overwhelming, but just keep in mind that it all makes sense. Don't be afraid to express your feelings to those who can understand you and the emotions you will go through as your mind tries to sort through things and make the necessary adaptations.

Big hugs to you from me and Molly

[sunshinecruiserTN]

Janice, so sorry for you loss. Big hugs for you as you manage all that you have to do. You have a good support system here, so use us.

[AlmostThere]

Mental illness crosses all boundaries. There isn't a person out there that doesn't have some emotional baggage they are dealing with. And allot of us suppress those emotions instead of getting help, as mental illness has such a stigma attached to it. We try to self medicate with addictions. There is no rationality to suicide. It is an irrational, selfish, self-centered act. The mind is a powerful organ and full of mysteries.
My feeling is that the family needs to be talking with someone who deals with families of suicide victims. Your feelings need to be expressed and examined, then processed in a way to heal you. JMHO
Hugs to you and your family as you grieve your loss.

[Getupngo]

Thank you all for your support of me -- anger and all -- as I work through this.

After I lost my DH, I began to realize the "woulda-coulda-shoulda" stuff is what I now call "reverse bargaining." Bargaining is one of the stages of grief, but most of us think of it as a prayer that goes like this; "If you let so-and-so live, I'll do X-Y-and-Z." But when death is sudden and unexpected, I think the "woulda-coulda-shoulda" gave me an imaginary of grasp on power when I was most powerless. That perhaps I have power if I could have stopped "X" if only I had done "Y." Delusional? Yes. Normal. Also, yes.

There was another thing that I realized a year and a half after my husband died. For those of you who are new here, my DH was killed five years ago by his psychotic son. I became that young man's advocate during the criminal proceedings, saying that I was doing for Ben what Jim would have done if Ben had killed ME. One of my friends, tired of listening to that, finally said, "Janice, that is not the corollary. The corollary would be, 'What would Jim have done if Mike (MY son) had killed YOU?'"

That stopped me dead in my tracks. I didn't KNOW what Jim would have done if it was MY son, not his. And I realized that particular delusion was just another way for me not to let Jim be dead. I had to let Jim be dead. So I dropped his mantle. I still continued to believe Ben needed to be hospitalized, not imprisoned, and advocated for him as the victim's widow.

The human mind is a tricky thing, and I believe there are no "incorrect" emotions following a death. They can, however, be carried to self- and other-destructive extremes.