Gave myself permission ...

[Getupngo]

... to claim my freedom.

A lot of you have been widowed, and many may relate on one level or another with my struggle with the issue of forgiveness and whether I should reach out to or remain in communication with my stepson. For those who don't know, he is committed to the state mental hospital for killing his father. I keep wanting to be "big" enough to be in touch with and possibly visit him.

For the first 18 months after my DH was killed, I considered myself Jim's advocate for Ben with the courts. I'd say, "I'm doing what Jim would do if Ben had killed ME." One of my girlfriends finally said, "Janice, that's not the parallel. The question is, 'What would Jim have done if YOUR son had killed YOU?'" I realized I didn't know the answer to that. And it occurred to me that this was kind of a reverse (perverse?) bargaining in the stages of grief, a way to not let Jim be dead. I had to let Jim be dead.

Letting go of the notion I should actively support Ben now, I think, is yet another step in allowing Jim to be dead. Each time Ben writes me, I'm initially pleased with his progress ... then depression creeps in. I intellectually know what happened that day ... but it is far in the background in my day-to-day life. Then contact with Ben allows the reality and horror of it to bubble up again. I've finally owned that what I have actually wanted from him was closure. But isn't it it's insane for me to expect to get that from an insane person?

Closure is, in the end, an inside job.

SO ... I have finally given myself permission to simply walk away. I have told him in person and in writing that I forgive him -- and forgiveness will continue to be my daily path, for my own sake. However, I don't need to keep scratching open that wound. I hope this is my last update on that topic, all the while knowing that human emotions are complicated. But I need to release him. And let Jim be dead.

[mitch5252]

..

Janice, I hope you find comfort in your decision to move forward.
I'll bet your Jim would want your suffering to end.
And it sounds like his son is where he should be, both for himself and others.

Merry Christmas, Janice. I hope it's a quietly peaceful one for you.

..

[mtngal]

((((((Janice))))))

[Rufflesgurl]

Janice - seems like you are moving right along. Forgiveness is a hard thing to do especially in your position but you have admitted forgiveness.
Do you have children of your own? If so, you can revel in their goodness.

Wish you all the best - seems like you are going along the right path!!

Linda

[AlmostThere]

Forgiveness: Regard without ill will despite an offense.

My situation isn't exactly as yours is, but I too have to re-forgive someone almost every day. I do understand about feeling you've moved on and gotten past certain emotions and then you get jerked back in again.

[Nasoosie]

Janice, you deserve a sign like I just made at school for my trailer, only, for you, it would mean a different kind of freedom. (LIBERTAS)

The feeling that forgiveness will give you is all you need. And, once you have told of that forgiveness, (as you have to your stepson) you should be absolved of ever having to deal with any reminders of the horror, or guilt about not being able to forgive. It is done.

And NO----it certainly is not insane to expect closure from a person whether he be insane or sane. His actions were never under your control, nor are his feelings or wishes now. You are the captain of your own ship, and you need to steer it where your stars are telling you to go.

Personally, I would allow you to be a captain of my ship, as it appears you have come a helluva long way in overcoming some horrendous emotions in order to make a new life and course for yourself. Congratulations and hugs to you!

[Getupngo]

Thank you, everyone. And Soos ... your post brought tears to my eyes. For me, forgiveness is not a feeling, but a decision, one I have to make every day. And yes, AlmostThere, it's human to get jerked back in. But I do it for myself. A friend of Jim's got right in my face when I talked about forgiving Ben. He said, "Why? WHY forgive." And I leaned in, just inches from his nose, and said, "Because it serves ME!"

[BirdbyBird]

There are those things in the world that you can not change or control.....your decision...your reaction to the world...that you can change....... And as you stated it is a conscious choice you have to make and remake every day......and it is not so easy.....but you take back your own life in the process..... may your journey now continue a little lighter and brighter.......

[Cedar518]

Janice,.... way to GO, girl!

Sending you lots of happy thoughts and a hug or two as well.

[avalen]

good for you Janice, it will always be a daily thing and I can understand the letting him
be dead thing because of course it all doesn't bring him back but you have other memories
of him from before that dreadful day that need to be brought up forward and relished on.

[Liz]

We can't control the wind; but we can adjust our sails.

[snowball]

(((((Janice))))) everyone said it so well
sheila

[Echo]

Janice I don't know if I'm gonna say this well or not?

From the sounds of it Ben has come a long way himself. Or at least that is what I have gotten from your posts. Thinking to myself it kinda sounds like he is now a different person himself from what he was at the of his Fathers death.

I believe that it's possible that while still holding some anger and grief that we can forgive someone. Especially when that person wasn't in full control of himself. Basically it's like there's two different people. The Ben of then and the Ben of now.

Holding on to anger and the grief towards the Ben of now helps no one. So to forgive him does give closure if you think about it.

Liz is right. We can't control but we can adjust! Each and every day is an adjustment of some sort. That's why life changes.

((((((HUGS))))))

[Getupngo]

Yes, Ben has come a long way. He was 19 when he killed his father, and he's 24 now. He has made a decision to take advantage of programs within the state hospital that give him tools to deal with his mental illness, and is the only patient there with a court status of Not Guilty Because of Insanity (Utah is one of three states that does not have an insanity defense). Therefore, he is there under a civil commitment and is not controlled by the courts. He is the only one in his unit allowed to leave the building (with staff supervision) and go out onto the enormous hospital campus. He worked for a time in the cafeteria. He's been taking college extension courses. Despite all that, the docs cannot completely control the hallucinations and delusions with medications.

I am happy for him and for his mother and siblings, and perhaps you can understand the pull to have more or a relationship with him. But, despite all his progress and the healing I have already had, contact with him sets off all the reactions I described before.

[JanetA]

Dear Janice,

yours would be a bitter pill to swallow, indeed! My heart goes out to you and lots of vertual hugs too. A girl's gotta do what a gir's gotta do to get past this and I, for one, think that you've chosen the right path for you. Ya gotta go on and try to put this behind you in order to keep your sanity. I know forgetting is impossible, but w/ prayer and perseverence you will make it. We all are in sympathy with you, if that's any comfort. God, only, knows your pain and only HE can comfort you.

I think keeping busy and distracted will probably help too.. As for me, I would break all ties that 'open up the wound',.. so good for you, girl!

love ya!

Janet