Off-Topic. As usual. :-)

[Cudedog]

Well, where is everyone this morning? Come on, Ladies, make my day!

I don't know a lot of . . . erm. . . how should I say it? "Senior Ladies" I guess will have to do. Anyway, it is difficult to determine what might be a common life experience, if one does not have someone of one's own age and gender to talk to, so here goes. Actually, maybe the anonymity here is better for this kind of thing, rather than a face-to-face.

Probably, like most of us, (Is it probably? Is it most of us?) I don't see my adult children (they are both in their 30's) as often as I would like. I am not a "hover-mom", I try not to complain and I keep my monthly phone conversations with them neutral and upbeat. I understand that adult children need their space and don't need - or want - Mom around all of the time (I do not have grandchildren).

I saw one of my children (I have two) a few days ago for the first time since last Christmas. We were having the "aging-parent talk", about "life, the universe and everything" and I said (with a smile, in a friendly, non-accusatory way) that I would really like to see her more than once or twice a year. Which I would. She is my heart.

She seemed a bit, I don't know - affronted? - and reminded me that she was here now, and that I would see her again at Thanksgiving and Christmas. I then let this topic of conversation drop, and we went on to speak of other things.

I am not particularly lonely - I live a rich, full life, in retirement finally and at last I am able to to all of the things I have always wanted to do, pretty much when I want to do them. For example, I have re-found my passion for travel, for rock hounding, for writing and have also discovered the joys of making jewelry on my own terms, in my own way, of my own design.

I am well and truly blessed. I am often put in mind of the "Serenity Prayer" and strive to live by it:

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Thus this post is really not a complaint, but just a curiosity of how others experience their adult children as they live out their "golden years".

Looking forward to your responses.

Thank you.

Anne

[BarbaraRose]

Anne, I am sure you are not alone in this. I know there are others on here with a similar situation and I know women personally who also don't see their kids nearly as much as they would like, for various reasons.

Families are not what they used to be when everyone lived and stayed in the same community with extended family members. People are scattered all over now days and are so busy with their own lives, so it makes it a little more difficult to get together with family as often. With many families, there are other issues involved as well.

I hope you can work something out with your kids. Hopefully you will get some support and suggestions on here as well...

[Acadianmom]

I became very close to my older son before he passed away. In his 20's and 30's I would go months and not hear from him. He was in the Air Force and could be anywhere. I had the phone number of one of his friends and if I needed to talk to him I would call Jenifer and in a couple of days he would call. At least I didn't do what my mother would do to my brother. He was in the Air Force too and if she didn't hear from him she would call the Red Cross and get him in trouble. After my grandson was born my son was more interested in having us in his life. When he retired from the Air Force he moved back to help his dad. We came to depend on him so much.

My younger son will be 40 in a couple of months and I wouldn't say that he has grown up yet. He offers to help me but not the kind of person that sees something that needs to be done. I have ask hime to come clean the cat litter boxes when I am gone more than 3 days. He shows up the day before I get home. Not a big help. He lives 30 miles from me and I usually see him every couple of weeks if I call and go by when I'm in Lafayette. He and his girlfriend live together and I try to stay out of their business.

Martha

[Shirlv]

Anne, my three children live within 30 miles. Our closeness has changed as our life situations change. Oldest daughter and I were very close, she got married, not so much, got divorced, close again, married again, has grandchildren, works full time so very busy. The same with the other two. I text daughters “good morning” every day and they reply same. They know I made it through the night. If I were in trouble they would come otherwise I adjust to their life. Anne, you are Mom so send a text or email saying you are concerned if you were injured no one would know so you are going to wish them a good morning every day. It’s a first step.

[Acadianmom]

Shirl, a good morning text is a good idea. Some of my conversations with my son start off with "Well, the cats didn't eat me yet".

Martha

[Shirlv]

Women on this site are independent and in charge so our children think we are ok, they are busy so they do not bother. It is difficult for me to say I need help. I had a very large picture leaning up against the bookcase for 6 months, too heavy for me. Youngest daughter just helped me hang the picture and was dumbfounded that I had not ask sooner. I don’t offer unask for advice but I do send a lot of useful information via email. The kids don’t have to say “shut up Mom” they just delete me and it doesn’t hurt my feelings. The family girls have started meeting for a happy hour now and then. They come straight from work, we meet for an hour and then they go home to families. Granddaughters are hilarious and I try hard not to gasp or bit the end off of my tongue at some conversations. Martha, I would say I haven’t fallen down the steps. Lol

[BirdbyBird]

I think this topic is another one that reminds us that we shouldn’t spend all our energy worrying about if our relationships look like those of others. I made conscious decisions to try to raise two independent children who were comfortable out in the world
Making their own decisions and accepting the consequences of those decisions. I also tried to plant a love of travel and discovery and adventure. The other side of that is they have always been supportive of my decisions
since I retired to finally get to my own adventures. They also have busy active careers, social lives and hobbies and outdoor activities that they love. Neither of them call me very often but do touch base occasionally. They welcome my visits at anytime but have no affinity to SW Ohio and clearly don’t want to spend what vacation time they have
coming back here. I got what I strove to raise. I don’t expect that either of them will ever form a close relationship with me... as in “ let’s pal around together” but we do share many common interests and common respect. I too wonder how this situation will progress as I age. I have no need to stay in Ohio and have often thought that at some point I may need to move closer to one or the other of them. One day at a time. The last thing I want is
For one of them to “take care of me” but on the other hand the situation
That JudyJB has trying to do things long distance is not what I would want to force them into.... did I ramble
enough? Tina

[snowball]

I have five children three live in Utah and 2 live in Idaho conveniently in the same house hold... my third born has anxieties and depression. so my end born and her husband have welcomed her and her son into their home many years ago she tried it on her own but just didn't work out I think part of the side effects of the mental issues is irresponsibility and although she makes a good wage she handles her money poorly...anyway there is a space that my 5th wheel fits in run a very long electrical cord and have water... I go up to the house toward evening either help with supper or fix it or whatever dd doesn't do suppers a lot of nights each of the kids are very picky and she gave up she has food there and they fix what they will eat. when I fix a meal I think of what the adults will eat as the kids won't one of them born and raised in Idaho and doesn't like potatoes isn't there a law against that??? I have another dd my youngest who calls me daily or almost daily... she accuses me of hiding out in the trailer... but I can't see going up and trying to converse with everyone logged on to the phone and what every it might have. and I don't one to wear out my welcome... in 5 years the twins will be out of high school and they will be moving what I will do then I don't know... I typically spend a couple weeks on my way to Q and on my way back in Utah and then various trips down during the summer... two of my kids have me on an app where they can look on there phone and see where I am . that gives me some comfort. They did this after I was MIA on myy way to Q last fall... I really need to get a blue tooth so I am more available... so I am rambling on and on guess what I am saying is that they know where I am they know they have but to call and I will try to be there to help them but I try not to push myself in on their lives... but give me the go ahead and I will rearrange that cupboard or whatever.
we all have different lives and how we live them ... some are closer than others others are not...
Anne I like the idea of a good morning text if not to one of your kids than to a close friend... I have to admit that when I am out walking Shadow on BLM I worry about falling and how long it would before I could get help.
I try to take my phone with me... but still perhaps what I ought to do is text my eldest dd as she goes to bed later than the others a night love you text haha
sheila

[monik7]

I’ve mentioned my family story here a few times. Not better, just worse now. Nothing works. If I die in my home, no one will know until the smell gets too bad for the neighbors. I worry about my dogs.
Sandi

[Shirlv]

Sandi, you have us. Post a “good morning “ everyday.

[Bethers]

Sandi, you have us. Post a “good morning “ everyday.

Agree.

[mtngal]

I’m saddened by experiences of my friends who are estranged from their families. And it’s not isolated instances. My best thought that I often share is to ‘keep the door open’ with no expectations. Regarding daily check ins... I think the best.
Why not pop in here each morning, if there’s no one else? The love and support I’ve seen among our group of RV friends has been nothing short of astonishing over the years.

[havingfunnow]

Of course I don't see my son as often as I'd like. I'd like to see him once a day; that would be delightful for me but probably unhealthy for him. He's based in New York City, and as I've said since he transferred there in his junior year of college, it's just too far for me to drop in for lunch regularly, alas! We generally see each other in the flesh a couple of times a year, and that is always a delight! If I wasn't so impoverished I'd get out there a lot more often, and it's good to know I'd be welcome.

When I'm around my son and his wife, I'm reminded that there are people like me in the world. That feels good. I do IM them both most mornings, and I usually hear back from one or both of them, even if it's just "Hi, Mom." Good enough. We've started phoning once a week now that they're both writing dissertations -- it's more of a 'writing group' call, and I'm loving it!

I'm fortunate enough to have a number of cross-generational friendships, and that helps a lot. I'm friendly with the neighbors on one side, and I figure that if I died in the night, Drew would bark and howl until they came to check on him!

[BarbaraRose]

Someone at the picnic the other day said that she and her across the street neighbor have a sign for each other every morning where they open the front curtain by a certain time. If it isn't open, they will check on the other one.

I think the only way I would be found is if I didn't show up for work one day. They might check on me in a day or two... I didn't give them an emergency phone number because I didn't know who's to give them. Certainly not my brothers. I did just talk to my new friend Candy about using her as my emergency contact and she asked me to be hers too. She has two kids who never talk to her anymore either.

I guess kids don't realize how much their parents miss them in their lives until they become parents themselves. I loved spending time with my mom and we talked on the phone for hours almost every day. My dad, not so much. He was very intrusive in my life and tried to control everything I was doing, so that made me back off a lot and not want to talk to him or see him very often. Family relationships are very complicated.

[chalet05]

I typed a big ramble when I first read this yesterday and then did a lot of thinking.

Yes, I do get that they have busy lives and I don't want to intrude in any way.

Let's just say I learned my 20 yo granddaughter is in the hospital through FB! My daughter got her nose out of joint more than once and I'm pretty sure it will stay there. I stayed at my aunt's about 3 miles from my daughter for 5 weeks and saw her and 2 granddaughters briefly after one's concert. Never did see my grandson. The granddaughters each made one effort to get together but we weren't successful.

I am in Washington near my younger daughter now for several weeks. Her life isn't what I would choose but that's her business. Nothing bad just too good hearted, taken advantage of and can't handle money. We get along fine and I have started texting each morning and sometimes at the end of the day when I've been out riding or been on the road moving all day.

I have friends and family that have various relationships with their children - I just didn't get the one I wanted/dreamed of.