Visit with Aunt and Uncle - maybe last one (long post)

[JudyJB]

I know most of you have gone through very similar things with elderly relatives, but I started a new topic because I needed to rant a bit and was hopeful you would be a good group of listeners. Aunt and uncle live in 6,000 sq foot house in gated community in mountains of Georgia, and have never had children. Also have a rental place on beach in Venice, FL, and a condo down there is a senior community where they could get care and services. Plenty of money, but tight as they can be--cleans and reuses old ziplock bags and she cuts up envelopes for scrap paper, will give you an idea.

Long post, so you might want to skim!

So went down there last Thursday after throwing stuff in suitcase. Other niece from California met me at Atlanta airport, and we drove up to their place with purpose of helping them move for a few weeks to condo in Venice, FL. (Aunt had been crying over phone begging us to come and help them get to FLorida.) Both are 88, and uncle is bent over and shuffles as he walks; she has cracked pelvis from earlier fall few weeks ago and broken upper arm bone from recent fall. Legs of both are swollen but neither will put them up for various reasons. She is not wearing sling doctor told her to wear because it is uncomfortable. She cannot drive and he should not drive, but nearest store and urgent care is 15 miles away, and nearest hospital is 60 miles away on mountain roads.

Anyway, other niece and I had them ready to go to FL on Monday, and were packing up clothing, etc. Postponed move to Tuesday, then cancelled, so we unpacked stuff. Aunt is sleeping on couch but kept getting her arm stuck in crack and yelling for help at all hours. In coming to get me on Monday 5 am, other niece came up stairs to get me to help, but fainted at top and hit her head on hardwood floor. COuld not sit up because dizzy and low blood pressure so I called 911, who saw aunt on couch crying and asked if that was the patient--noooo, I told them, she was upstairs after fall! So they checked her out and wanted to take her to hospital, but by them she was feeling better, so declined. They walked her to bedroom and put her in bed to nap.

Anyway, on Tuesday night, they decided they wanted to go again, except I had to take him to chemo on Wednesday so we could leave Thursday morning. He gets touch-up chemo every two months, so not an emergency. Other niece packed them up again while I spent day driving them to distant hospital and waited for chemo to be done.

They are really hard to live with and have lots of rules about how to wipe showers down and keep things clean, like washing dishes before they go in dishwasher, and no one allowed to wear shoes in house, etc. Aunt spent most time crying and having panic attacks because she was afraid uncle would fall, etc. and what would she do---wail, wail, wail. Except neither will follow suggestions about drinking more water, putting feet up, etc. SO, after an extremely long day Wednesday--me at hospital and other niece repacking and doing laundry and consoling weeping aunt, after dinner they announced, not going for several days or weeks.

We had both privately decided we had had it with the weeping and wailing and said we would have to leave the next morning. Other niece still had headache from fall and was concerned about her special needs daughter with babysitter, and I was having non-stop diarrhea problems for obvious reasons. I lost four pounds in the week I was there, by the way, and we were both suffering from sleep deprivation. Both of us really care for these elderly relatives, and we are only family they still have that comes to visit, but they insist they can get neighbors to help. DOn't think that will really work out, but left them contact for Visiting Angels.

So, I got to Las Vegas last night and am on my way to California. Other niece has seen doctor and told no brain bleeding, but definitely concussion, so she missed more than week of work and needs to rest.

[Bethers]

Oh Judy, so sorry the time went as it did. But you can know you did what you could. Big hugs!

[Irmi]

Judy, I'm sorry you had to go through that. Having tended to elderly parents and their tactics, I understand your frustration. Our saving grace is that we didn't have children to put up with that and hope we die in our sleep.

[BirdbyBird]

Competent to make really bad decisions. The other scary part is when the crises does happen and the state steps in and creates guardians for them and those guardians get paid regardless of whether they worry about spending other people’s money so much. Sad and frustrating for you and your cousin, for sure.

[Cudedog]

Oh, Judy, I am so very sorry to read what an extremely difficult time you are going through. I went through something similar - but not nearly as bad - with my father about ten years ago.

To try to make a long story short(er) the basics are that my Dad was in his mid-90's at the time (!). Although my brother lived only about 40 miles from my Dad, and I lived about five-hundred miles from him, he would call me at all hours with one difficulty or emergency after another. I would take leave from my job (big loss of $$), leave my then teen-aged children at home in the care of my neighbor so they wouldn't miss school, and head for my Dad, about a ten-hour drive away.

Towards the end, this happened every couple of weeks. Finally, I looked around and found an assisted-living apartment place in my area, and respectfully requested that he consider a move. He finally consented. After all the arrangements were in place, I then took the train to where he lived, in order to do the packing for him, and to fly him home with me. When I arrived, after a 12-hour train trip (I didn't drive, because we would be flying home) he announced that he had changed his mind, and insisted that he could continue live where he was, and to manage on his own.

I didn't get upset or argue with him, I just told him, respectfully and straight-out, that he was an adult, and so fully entitled to make his own decisions. I then went on to explain, calmly and carefully, that I would no longer be able to make the now twice-monthly trip to care for him, because if I continued to do so I would lose my job. At that time I was the sole support of myself and my two children - my ex was out of the picture.

He then stated - very angrily, as was his way - that it was his life, and that he was entitled to live it as he chose. I smiled and agreed. I then stated, calmly and clearly, that I was also entitled to live my own life as I chose, and I repeated that from now forward I would be unable to come to care for him, no matter what happened, and if he needed help in future he would need to call my brother.

I was firm, and I meant it. I actually had no choice. I then said that I was going to go for a long walk (he knew that I was a walker) and that when I got back he would need to let me know what he had decided. Whatever it was - the decision was completely up to him. And then I left on my walk.

When I got back after about an hour, he had decided to continue with the move. It is true that had the bureaucracy stepped in, things would have become out of my hands - and out of his. At this point I was fine with that, and I think that he knew it.

Good luck, Judy. You are in a very difficult position. My thoughts are with you.

Anne

[monik7]

Sorry Judy. I hope both you and your cousin take care of yourselves. Your aunt and uncle are lucky to have both of you.
Sandi

[JudyJB]

Thanks all. I am now in Tehachapi for two days. Felt a little better after a much needed vacuuming of my rig and some dusting. Have not eaten yet, but that is next on my list.

The other person, by the way, was her niece. I am his niece. The best part is that we are 100% in agreement about all of this and how inconsiderate they were. (I will only explain part of it as dementia and old age.) We have also agreed not to let them divide us in order to conquer and play one against the other.

I am very thankful that dealing with my mother, at least, was a lot easier because she was easygoing and I did not have a sibling involved. Anne, you did a fantastic job of handling your dad.

[Cudedog]

. . .Anne, you did a fantastic job of handling your dad.

Well, thank you, but I don't know about that.

I really wasn't trying to "handle" him at all. Any kind of argument, any kind of attempted further "discussion" would just have just led to a major blow up. That was his personality. I was just clear - and determined - in my own mind, what I was, and was not, willing to do going forward.

The decision really was his to make.

Had he decided to stay when I returned from my walk, I would have said no more, just given him a hug (if he wasn't too angry), called for a cab, and taken the train back home.

Anne

[JudyJB]

I think these "blowups" that cause families to walk on eggs around someone are really power control techniques. At least that is what has been happening for years with aunt. Even tiny suggestions that removing personal items from her home might help it sell faster because not everyone had the same taste was a cause for yelling and insults because how could I possibly not know she had the best and only proper taste because she had taken design in college.

[Acadianmom]

I am lucky that our family has gotten along through our ordeals except for my son's ex-wife. Harold's kids were grown when we got married so they are more like friends than step-children. I found out later that Scott's ex was going around the funeral home questing people about things that were none of her business. Everyone told me they played dumb and said they didn't know what she was talking about. I am never rude to anyone but everyday that she was here I would end up telling her something because she would get fixated on something and keep going on and on. She has already called the VA to see what she can get her hands on. I didn't tell her but I have the will and it names me the executor. Next week I will see a lawyer and find out what I need to do. She can't do anything without a death certificate and she might have to order one. Scott's son will get what ever he had and he's only 15. I will do everything I can to see that he gets his inheritance and not his mother.

Martha

[snowball]

Martha
I think he will get SS until he is a certain age from the sounds of it that will read she will
as there is a lot of ways to control that money...wish you could and perhaps you can I don't know.... I am so sorry for your loss it's been a double whammy.
sheila

[Othersharon]

Judy, situations like this are so difficult to go through. Sounds like you have a good plan for going forward. Take care of yourself.

[hokiephile]

Judy,
I have to put my lawyer's hat on. Is it time to consider guardianship for one or both?
Terry