My Brother

[JudyJB]

I've had a rough couple of days worrying about and dealing with my brother, so I wanted to just explain, in hopes some of you can offer suggestions on resources for me. He is a study in how bad choices can affect you all your life.

My brother is not really a bad person in most ways, but he has been an alcohol and drug abuser all his life. He was a passive child, overweight and big for his age. Apparently a lot of the things I shook off or ignored as a child really affected him and became huge in his eyes. For example, there were a lot of family secrets, which he imagined to be horrible things. They didn't bother me because I figured it was none of my business. I had a very good childhood, and all my many cousins would say my brother did also, but perception is a funny thing.

His main lifetime problem is not accepting reality. If he lost a job, he would pretend it did not happen because he did not want anyone to know. He would make up big stories and borrowed thousands of dollars from relatives to keep up his pretenses. He was very good at this, and fooled one wife for 5 years, believe it or not. He pretended to work from home each day while she went off to work. Then he told her he had to give all his money to his ex-wife, mother, or me so he had no money. He has lied to everyone multiple times because he does not want people to know how bad off he is. And sometimes he lies for reasons which seem ridiculous. Over the last year, he has told me about two jobs he had, in spite of the fact he could not walk or get out of the house. He attempted suicide with pills about 7 years ago and was involuntarily committed to a psych institution, but was recently living on little income in a subsidized substance-free apartment in Phoenix.

He has been on kidney dialysis off and on for edema and has had several toes amputated because of infection. He tells me his back was causing them to be numb so he could not feel the pain of infection. Supposedly had back surgery three weeks ago. However, you might guess that I seldom believe anything without verification. He pays friends to get groceries and run errands for him because he does not go outside.

So now he is severely depressed, stopped seeing his case worker, is losing weight because he has only four teeth, will not take public transportation because he is afraid to do so, has little food and worse eating habits, etc. etc. etc. He is also very passive and will not get insistent about getting care or asking for things like a power scooter or trying to solve his own problems, which is why I have decided I have to step in and do something. He said he will ask his back surgeon today to refer him for help. He also said he called the Crisis line as I asked him to do yesterday and they are trying to find him a place to stay, but he is very fearful of shelters.

If anyone has any suggestions on what I can do to get him help, I would appreciate it. For example, I know Lions Club provides glasses to poor people. What about dental care? I think his lack of teeth is really getting to be a medical issue since he cannot eat well. And any suggestions about where I could find a used scooter? I know I need to find out more about his insurance. He has Medicare and something like Medicaid from the state of Arizona, but don't know details.

Thanks for listening.

[WickedLady]

Check with Medicaid for dental.

[grammynmaggie]

Wow Judy.. you have a daunting task... when I came north this summer
I had to find some services for my father before I left... not nearly as severe as the ones
you are facing but here's what I did... what he needed most was transportation... I went to the Senior Center... wear I found out they were only a social service fun and games... but they did... have some good information that led me to free transportation and public for the elderly....I would get in touch with a local hospital go through their education department or personnel department or both.... I know when I worked in the hospital there was such information availableI would also go to his doctors office and ask them for information.... visiting nurses.. and other services for the medical needy...this is the best I can come up with at this time but I'll keep my thinking cap on.. I know there is help out there it's just a matter of tracking it down..

[bluepinecones]

So sorry, Judy.
We've had to deal with a drug abuse problem in our family………… sad to say, no long term resolution there.

As for your brother needing wheel chair, I'm pretty sure medicare covers such under durable equipment. One manufacturer used to advertise they would help file for it - Hov-around or something like that, I believe.

Most larger cities offer a hub for info about various assistance. Donna's suggestions on hospitals good place to start but also charities, churches, and see if there is a council on aging office one the area. Couple of examples:
(this one list free dental in Phoenix plus a lot of other stuff)

http://www.freepublicassistance.com/ci/az-phoenix



Good luck

[MandysMom]

Praying for you Judy. You indeed have a daunting task ahead. I think the ideas so far are good ones, sorry I don't have more.
Velda

[JudyJB]

Good news, sort of. My brother put dog in a kennel then went to back surgeon. Upon leaving he fell getting onto the van and the doctor saw him and called 911. He said he was in emergency room with just bruises and would probably be admitted for a couple of days and then sent to rehab.

At least I hope this is l true. I have name of hospital and will check tomorrow by calling hospital.

[gingerK]

I have no information to offer but I'm praying for you, Judy.

[Liz]

Medicare provided a wheelchair/scooter for my husband. Had to state it was needed inside as well as outside the house.

[dayspring39]

Oh Judy thank you so much for taking the time to fill us in on your brothers patterns... It is so sad to see someone we love destroy their lives...
(My twins have many of the same tendencies it is painful indeed... their perceptions are so different.)
You may need a doctors prescription for a mobility chair.
The tooth problem is so important...
I am no help but will pray for you and your brother... others have given suggestions... the best to you...

[judi]

Just remember to take care of yourself while you are going through this stress. I wish I had more concrete advice but I am sending good thoughts your way.

[snowball]

I too am sending good wishes your way that you might find the help your
brother needs...what a way a life can be wasted so sad
sheila

[JudyJB]

Kathleen, long story, but about 20 years ago, I found out that my brother did not have custody of a three-year-old child he had had with a girlfriend. (They had met in a psychiatric institution, had the baby, and then split. Mother attempted suicide and baby was taken from her at a year old and put in foster care.) The baby was actually living with the mother's sister and her partner who were acting as foster parents to keep the baby in the family. I found the aunt and called her. We talked on the phone for two hours that first time and compared experiences.

What we had in common and what was amazing to us both, was how my brother and her sister had such horrible memories about their "dysfunctional childhood." They felt they had been abused and said all kinds of things had been done to them by our horrible parents. She and I thought we had great parents and terrific childhoods. She had two brothers to go back to and I had very close cousins that I talked to about this. They all confirmed that our childhoods were normal and happy, and in fact, probably fairly privileged. Basically, their response was he same as our ---"What???"

I don't know if this change in perception happens when someone goes through a lot of psychiatric counseling or what happens, but it amazes me. The aunt and her partner eventually got complete custody and finally adopted him. That child is now 21 years old and a straight-A student at a Minnesota college and plays cello in an orchestra. He is the nicest young man you will every meet, and I have kept in touch with both his parents and him, as well as my brother's other two children who are adults and have children of their own.

So perceptions are really strange things, I have learned.

Brother says he is possibly going into rehab tomorrow. Hope they keep him a while and work on solving some of his problems. And I hope I sleep better tonight!

[SoCalGalcas]

Oh Judy, What a story! I'm hoping to hear that rehabilitation can help your brother. And, you get a good nIghts sleep! Lyn

[JudyJB]

I did get a much better night's sleep last night and had no more diarrhea this morning which for me is often caused by stress.

He is being transferred today from the hospital to a rehab facility. He needs to get walking better so he can be more mobile. Being able to walk only a few feet is his biggest problem right now, plus his lack of teeth. He said he talked to a couple of social workers at the hospital today and they had some sources of help for him to get an apartment. Hopefully, the rehab place will also find resources. He is so disabled in his walking that he really cannot even get out and find anything. And it is just too hot for him in Phoenix this time of year to be out anyway, as weak as he is. That is probably one reason why he fell trying to get into the handicap bus.

And many, many, many thanks to one of our forum members who has offered to take his dog until he gets on his feet. (I will let her identify herself.) I just cannot afford to keep him in the vet's office for a month or so, which is where he is now. My brother was really upset at the possibility of his going to a shelter. Knowing that his pet is safe made my brother feel so much better.

I am still going to somehow see that he gets a mobility scooter that he can use to go to grocery stores and such. I discovered that my brother has been paying friends to do his grocery shopping and laundry and other tasks, which he just cannot afford on his $800 income per month. It leaves him without enough money to eat properly.

Lots of other issues to work on, but things are OK for now. The lesson is that alcohol and drugs cause a lot of physical problems later in life, as we all know, with liver, kidneys, circulation, brain function, etc. It has made me virtually a non-drinker, to say the least.

[bluepinecones]

Glad things are looking up at least a little bit.
If the forum member can't take the dog or keep it long enough, you might be able to locate an organization there that offers foster care for pets. We have a good one here so I assume they are fairly wide spread across the country.