Knowing When to "Fold 'em"

[Azusateach]

Well. I don't usually post this kind of thing here, but I'm just reeling and need a little perspective.

As you know, my youngest brother died about a month ago. That's left just my middle brother and me (I'm the oldest of the 3 sibs).

"M" has been kind of the black sheep of the family for a long, long time, largely because of his relationship with our parents -- an alcoholic father who broke his heart countless times and a mother who called his son out of marriage a bastard child. As I've said to others, he's had a huge mad on since he was about 18 (he's now almost 57). We've not been close -- haven't actually seen each other since our mom's memorial service about 5 1/2 years ago. And we've only been in contact over the last few years regarding "E" and his downward spiral.

When E died, M unleashed all the anger he's been hanging on to at me, and told me not to contact him anymore. It was actually pretty scary. I honestly don't know what I did to cause his anger. My only thought is that because I'm the only remaining family member I've been the recipient of almost 40 years of pent-up anger.

Today I was on Facebook and realized that he's unfriended me. I never thought someone could act in such a destructive way ... silly me. I'm working hard to just keep walking, and moving forward. I don't intend to approach him because I'm frankly afraid of what might happen.

I guess my family is what I'll make with others that I care about and love, and who love me.

Wow ...

[avalen]

Big big hug for you. You did nothing to cause his anger, he is fighting his own demons. Yes, love hurts but we all know life goes on. I had to come to that conclusion in my own family back in my early 20's with my very bitter mother. That was the last I saw/spoke with her. She passed on almost a year ago and my dad really wants me to come and visit. I never did anything that caused her anger, she just had her own demons and I had to walk away. Don't stress over your brothers demons, the sun will shine for you tomorrow just like it did today. Its like you said yourself, you gotta know when to fold em. Feel free to release the stress here when ever you need to as letting it fester causes multiple health issues.

[Bethers]

What Ava said. Long, long ago I accepted that most of who I call family are not related. But they are my family of choice.

[chalet05]

Ava and Beth have good points! Sorry you are having to go through this, but I've been through similar. You can't fix it and things won't change until your brother wants them to. It took me forever to learn I was only hurting myself by being upset because my siblings sure didn't care. Went through a 'thing' with my sister as well - never did know what ticked her off. She finally started speaking to me again when my husband died. I asked her what the problem had been and her reply was, 'Does it really matter now?' Okay.

I would rather be with friends and distant family members who I don't have to watch my every word or opinion.

It hurts, but try not to beat yourself up over it - life is too short.

[VickieP]

Same as everyone else said, Laura, you have to let it go or it will eat at your heart & soul. I'm one who believes people come into your lives just at the right time & I'm so happy that you have someone special in your life who can be your family & support (in addition to us, of course ).

[mitch5252]

..
I'm sorry you have to deal with this, right on the heels of losing your other brother.

You can't fix this guy, and you should try to do your best to let him go. I know - that's easier said than done.
He may be back in his own time. Probably not, though, at age 57.

I'm glad you felt safe enough to share with your friends here.
Wrap your heart around those with whom you share a lot of love.
Hang tough, sistah.
Hugs.
..

[dpf]

God gives us our relatives, thank God we can choose our friends.

Hugs...I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Please know you have friends who are willing to listen.

[snowball]

I'm sorry that this happened so many have given good thoughts..It is hard to loose a family member whether it be by death or choice...
we will hope one day he will realize what he has done and remember his sister and be able to find you when that time comes..in the meantime
make happy memories
sheila

[rvgrammy1953]

Laura, big HUGS to you....and my heart goes out to you....I truly believe that when God closes a door, he opens a window to something better....we've been friends for a long time (since our "hybrid camper days", remember... ) so vent anytime....and know, too, you have lots of sisters here who care about you....

[sharon]

Must be the time of year or something, seems like a lot of us are dealing with similar situations. Take to heart what everyone else has said, all good advice. Big hug, GF!

[Irmi]

Laura, I can't add to what anyone has said here and my heart goes out to you. Take care.

[grammynmaggie]

Bless you Laura..... the girls said it all
hugs to you...

[havingfunnow]

I'm so sorry for the pain. Yes, time to let go. I'm so glad you know you can be here with this.

Over the last decade, I've shed my biological family and held my heart family close. It's a good thing, and I wish I'd done it decades ago.

[retiredhappy]

Hang in there, Laura. Its so true true that we don't get to choose our family. I wish I had a better relationship with my granddaughter but I have to be so very careful what I say that its like walking on eggs. Bless this forum for all the wonderful, understanding women on here that we can vent to.

[Azusateach]

Thanks so very much for your kind words, everyone.

What's kind of weird about this whole thing to me is that I've been more affected by M's explosion than I was over E's death. Maybe because I'd already grieved E quite a while ago, and not so much with M. We all knew were E was headed, and at some level had time to prepare for it. With M, not so much.

The one good thing is that I still have a solid relationship with E's ex-wife and my niece. Again, we haven't been very close thanks to my mom (darn those family dynamics!), but Shelly has reached out to me asking for help through all of this and I've gladly offered it. And I'm texting regularly with her eighth grade daughter, which makes me smile.

I think we all have a Pollyanna hope of what our families will be. Sadly, it seems like they never turn out like we'd hoped. But as so many of you have said, picking your own family is sometimes much more satisfying. That's certainly the case with me.

I'm grateful for your support.

Laura