Pride goeth ...

[Getupngo]

If you ask me if I'm a prideful person, I would tell you no.

However, I have been struggling with my son, who I believe is completely in the wrong. His love has been my constant in life. A few months ago, he picked something that happened FIFTEEN YEARS AGO and threatened to cut me out of his life if I ever did something like that again. It felt like the ground shifted beneath my feet. During a recent visit, he kept leaving each room that I was in.

Many of you know that I am a recovering alcoholic (26 years). Y'know, it always amazes me that when I go to an AA meeting, a solution to a problem presents itself. Usually, the answer is that I am the problem.

At a meeting yesterday, the topic was "resentments," and it dawned on me that I was being prideful about my current struggles with my son. It's like, oh, boo-hoo. Poor me. He "owes" ME an apology and why should I put out any effort (blah blah blah)?

I realized my pride was putting as much space between us as was his behavior. So last night I had a great phone conversation with him, without mentally keeping score. This is a miracle for me. What I know is that when I change, everyone around me changes. In an emotional tug-of-war, the dynamic shifts if I simply let go of my end of the rope. And I cannot predict what that change may be. My hope is that love is answered with love.

I just wanted to share this with all of you. Life is good. When I get out of the way ...

[Carolinagal]

I've been wondering what happened to you Janice, so glad to see you back. Also your messenge is food for thought for a lot of us. Struck a few cords in me, as it might in others. So glad you are on the road to mending fences in your family.

So glad to see you posting again, have truly missed you. Need to catch us all up to date on what has been happening and time for summer plans, you usually have interesting ones.

Waiting to hear
Take care,
CArol

[Bethers]

Ah that pride we think we don't have. And in your son's case, the grudges we never let go of. Sounds like you have taken a big step and I sure hope things continue in the direction of last night's phone call.

[avalen]

Oh yes, I too know about the pride thing with grown children and their attitudes.
I've learned to keep peace, I have to pick my battles. Hope it all continues on the
upswing for you.

[Getupngo]

Thanks for the support. One thing I do know about myself is that I am perfectly imperfect (read: I'll stick my foot in it again!). I need to cut myself some slack as well.

[sharon]

Oh boy, did that one hit home this morning...struggling with the same with my daughter. Seems no matter what or how I say anything at all to her I have hurt her feelings or made her angry. Thank you for a great and much needed post.

[Excel]

Wow Sharon... you sound like me. Going down to see daughter & family next Wed ..... As previously posted my new computer is being FedeX'd to her house as guaranteed delivery to mine wouldn't be in time before I leave & I want her Tech guy to take everything off the old one & put it on the new one. Anyway, when the Tech guy asked me how long I would be down there, I said, well, it really depends on when she gets mad at me....

As I'll be in my RV, I always try to be helpful, but out of the way sorta, so I don't create any tension & they have their privacy. Sometimes, that works.... sometimes it doesn't. Often it seems I just don't get anything right no matter how I try... she takes things the wrong way & that's the beginning of an unhappy visit... so I leave. Wish I knew how to deal with this issue & hate to always be walking on egg shells...it's hard.....and she's the only daughter I have now....

[MelissaD]

Janice, I commend you for your efforts but there seems to be an entire generation that for whatever reason, feels they were wronged as children. By "today's standard" we all grew up as abused children when it's just life. Our parents and thus us, are not prefect. We are flawed humans. I can't wait until their children feed them the same guilt they laid at their parents feet.

"My parents abuse because I don't have an iPhone" mentality. I just wish the boys would pull their pants up.

Also, congratulations on 26 years of sobriety. I can not imagine fighting that battle on a daily basis.

Excuse my rant, I don't know anything about your life but it burns my shorts the way some people treat their parents these days. There was a day if you had clothes, food, shelter and actually lived to 18, your parents were considered a success. Now parents are judged to be good based on how much stuff they buy their kids. Seems some perspective is required. Lord knows I've made enough mistakes.

[BarbaraRose]

Janice, I am glad you can find the support and help thru AA. Yes, sometimes we just have to suck it up and be the better person. And you are right, by changing your attitude/behavior, others have to change one way or the other too, whether they like it or not. I like your "tug of war" scenario and "letting go of your end". Sounds like your son still has resentments from long ago that he hasn't let go of yet. Maybe now he will think about that and decide to forgive and forget.

I grew up with two alcoholic parents. I forgave my mom long ago but still struggle with some issues with my dad. However, I keep that to myself and don't throw it in his face. That was a long time ago and it is my problem to deal with anything I am still hanging on to.

Kids (young and old) seem very ungrateful these days. It is too bad.

[Deeann]

Some very good thoughts, Janice. Thanks.

I don't have any kids but I was a kid once so I think I have a pretty good idea of what it must be like.

When I read the stories above about some of the gals who can't seem to say or do anything right around their kids, the kids get mad at the least little thing, etc., my first thought was mental illness.

Now don't get mad at me! There are mental illnesses that interfere with people having relationships with others. One of those is called Borderline Personality Disorder. There are lots of other mental issues that can cause people to be short with others, always finding fault with them. If you have someone in your life that is like this you might try to get them some help. Lots of people know that something is wrong but they think everyone else is at fault. They can't accept that they are the problem. Sometimes it takes a psychiatrist to spot these illnesses. The patient can then be sent to counseling.

My thoughts and prayers are with those of you who have family problems. Give some thought to getting help. It can't hurt.

[snowball]

Janice so good to hear from you..been thinking of you
So glad that things are getting better with you and your son...it is hard dealing sometimes
with memories and personalities
thank you for your in site
sheila

[Pooker]

We "ladies of a certain age" remember a totally different time. We wouldn't even consider saying the things to our parents that today's kids say. I'm guessing many of us get the cold shoulder treatment, the silent treatment, the I'm too busy to do whatever treatment, or the remember when you did such in such 25 years ago and I'm still hurt treatment. I think a lot of my boys' generation always look to some outside source to blame. They never look inside themselves. And remember how easy it was for the "experts" of the time to blame the mothers for everything?

First lesson about mother's guilt: You can't go back in time and change anything! Most of us did the best we could with what we had. They just need to deal with it! And so do we.

Pooker

[mtngal]

Thanks for a good topic Janice, and one that I needed to be reminded of this week too. But from a different angle, it was a frustrating conversation (via text no less!) with my sister. Finally it dawned on me that I didn't need to be right or to win, and found it best just to gracefully let it end. (I will say that text enables passive aggressive behavior in a way that face to face conversations do not!).

[sharon]

You're sooo right Diana! I got an email from my daughter last week telling me what I said that hurt her feelings when I saw her. She asked me not to mention it in person because she had trouble expressing her feelings to me in person. I emailed back..."I'm sorry, I love you". Haven't heard back from her. I don't even try any more, I just apologise and tell her I love her.

[monik7]

Not that I wish any of these problems on others, but at least it makes me feel a little better to know I'm not the only one with a difficult daughter. To me it means we can't all have been so horrible. Maybe, just maybe these kids are responsible for at least some of the difficulties between us. The problem is, they will never admit or accept that.
Sandi