fUNERALS

[retiredhappy]

Is there something wrong with me? I just can't attend funerals. My last memory of my father is him laying in his casket not looking at all like the man I knew. I'm not attending Carole's funeral. I don't want my last memory of her to be her laying in a casket. Instead I will get out my travel books and look through all the pictures of us on the various trips we made to California, Las Vegas, Gallup, Monument Valley and South Dakota to mention just a few of the places we went together. We had cranky moments with each other but we also had so much fun and laughter and that's what I want to remember.

[monik7]

I agree with not wanting to remember your friend in her casket. As a teenager, I went to my cousin's funeral and all I can remember is how he looked in the casket. When my son was murdered, we chose a closed casket so we and his friends would remember him as we knew him. It was hard to convince my ex to go along with this, but he finally agreed and I'm glad. Could you go to the funeral and just not go to see her in the casket? If you can't do that, I think your plan to remember all the good times you had together is a good one.
Sandi

[BirdbyBird]

I understand.....A lot depends on how connected you are to the family. I go to funerals if I think it will matter to those that are left behind. For some it does.

I don't visit the casket if I can help it. Best are Memorials that have no body present but may have a bunch of pictures and stories and the ability to share memories of the one who has passed.

[Carolinagal]

Karen, I think it's your choice. Funerals are for closer, and the more that take time to attend helps the family know their deceased loved one was loved and will be missed by more then them personally. Also going through a funeral makes the good bye seem real, for everyone. Open caskets keep many people from attending, it is better to remember a person as you enjoyed them in life. They are not in that body anymore anyway.

I think a personal note to her family on how you choose to do instead of attending will do the same for them as your presence. They will know you loved her and you two had some great times and many super trips together. Don't hurt yourself more by doing something you don't feel you should do.

Thinking of you, take care and stay well,
CArol

[Acadianmom]

I dont' attend many funerals either. If I think it will matter to the family I go. My first funeral was when I was 7 and my uncle had died. I was very close to my aunt and uncle and it really traumatized me. I don't have many memories from that age but I remember that funeral like it was yesterday. Today if you go to a funeral home there are kids running and playing all over the place. I think some people consider it a social occasion even if they didn't know the person that passed very well.

Most people wouldn't think this is very funny but in our family we threaten people that if they don't behave we will let Aunt Dot plan their funeral. When my brother passed his daughter was his next of kin so it was her place to make the arrangements. Her mother(the ex-wife) turned the funeral into a circus. She couldn't have him in life but she's got him now. He's buried in her family plot. We have had 40 years of her antics so nothing new to us.

Martha

[JudyJB]

I hate funerals also, and will not longer go to any with open caskets. My mother hated them also, so I never had one for her. I don't care if people thought I was a bad daughter or not--it was what she and I wanted. I took her ashes and the ashes from my dad that she had saved and sprinkled them in places they had told me they wanted them to be sprinkled, so I did not even bury my parents, even though there are still two perfectly good cemetery spots in their names that they bought in the 1940s.

I think everyone has their own way of remembering someone and showing they care, and I think the letter is a good idea.

My ex-mother-in-law loved funerals because she got to get dressed up and go someplace to socialize. She went to funerals of people she barely knew and often wanted to take us along. That kind of stuff reinforced my negative feelings.

However, for those families that feel like funerals help them in their grief, they should have them. I might even send flowers, just not go myself.

[Rufflesgurl]

Karen - If you wish, you could go to the funereal and just not walk by the casket. Some people just feel the need to see the person one last time. I think your idea of going through all your pictures to refresh your memories together is a great one and the family would appreciate that. You need to do what is right for you.
I do not like funerals either and do not go by the casket if it is open. When my brother (year younger than me) died of cancer in 2010, he was cremated (his and family's request) and a few weeks later had a beautiful memorial service at the Santa Nella, CA Veteran's cemetary with the full military salute, people speaking at the flag pole, etc. It was a warm, clear, sunny, quiet day in October. A few months ago,as I was traveling Hwy. 5, I stopped at the cemetary and just enjoyed a few moments of reflection as he rests in peace. Another beautiful, clear, sunny quiet day.

Linda

[WickedLady]

When we buried my mother next to my father I swore I would not go to another funeral unless it was my own and I didn't intend to have one. I think they are a ripoff on the family grief for one thing. Cremate me and send the ashes to the gods of the ocean.
Marda

[bluepinecones]

It is totally a personal choice Karen. I'd say do it your way.
I too avoid funerals but will attend visitation and stay away from casket and I still attend brief memorial services (graveside or to scatter ashes, etc).

[Olive6001]

No dear friend; there's nothing wrong with you. If you don't want to go, don't go. But you know that without my saying it. Nice notes to the family members who will miss seeing you might be in order. They will know you're thinking of Carole and her loved ones while you honor your own need to grieve and celebrate your friend in the way that best honors your friendship. Big hugs to you.

Nikki

[sharon]

Do what you need to do to honor your friends memory. I haven't been able to go to a funeral since my beloved Jack passed. There are 2 that are probably going to be pretty soon and I'm going to have to go just because I'm so close the families. sigh. Send a note as has been suggested and maybe flowers if you're so inclined. I had a tree planted in my BIL's name when he passed, the family loved it. Hugs, my friend, my thoughts and wishes for peace are with you.

[gingerK]

There is nothing wrong with you for not wanting to go to your friend's funeral. To remember her and your good times together is a memorial in it's own right. Perhaps you could do something in honor of her memory such as planting a tree or donating to a charity or good works that she held dear.

[dayspring39]

This is so personal. You loved her and you need to do what is best for your fond memories.
Always the funeral is for the living.
When one of the dispatchers for the school bus district was killed I wanted to go to the pre service memorial so I got there before the 2 to 6 visitation. I was shocked there was no parking place. I thought maybe the church had another service going on. I was wrong there were thousands of people there I stood in line until after 6. The line was equally as long when I left as when I came. The funeral director said even congressmen that they had services for did not have so many people.
I said that to say this. Do the family members even remember? No. I know that funeral was extremely hard on his widow.
Again my own opinion is wait and see the family later on. They will have lonely times just as you will and later people forget to visit. Take along the photo memories and if they would like to have some of your memories share them with them. That could be very comforting.
God bless you and keep you Karen safe in His arms,
Kathleen
Karen this has helped many of us as we continue to process losses. Thank you for sharing what you intend to do.

[havingfunnow]

Funerals are for the living. I hate them with a passion, and I will only go if I love one of the mourners and think my presence will give them some comfort. Otherwise, no!

Remember your friend in a way that will comfort you and honor her memory.

[drocknut]

I agree with the others on this. Nothing wrong with you at all. I have not attended any funerals thank goodness, mostly because I lived farther away from my family and could not attend. When my father died he donated his body to science and was cremated with no funeral or memorial service but he did not have any real close friends and all the relatives are scattered across the country.
Your idea of honoring her by looking through all those photos and remembering the good times is perfect. We all grieve in our own ways.