I Need Some Advice. What Would You Do?

[dayspring39]

Wow there is so much good advice here... I would find projects to do, visit with friends do what ever you can do to heal yourself... family is not the route to go there are always backstories there... as grandkids get older their time is with friends...

if you need to go away your cat can stay by himself for long periods of time... have a radio set to come on several times a day... when I was traveling I would clean the covered liter box, clean the toilet and leave the lid up, put out a huge bowl of water and food I would leave the 5gallon pail I had food in with the cover open... normally animals shut dow n when we are gone... I was gone for three weeks one time and when I got home she was glad to see me and was fine...

Two of my children were not on speaking terms with me after I made my decision to stay in my mobile home and get help from Il dept. on aging... my son has come around... my daughter asked me to forgive her for trying to put me in an apartment...

All this said... remember life runs in cycles... if you put your finger in the spoke when the cycle is running you will get hurt...

Take care of yourself visit with your friends... air on here most of us know what you are going through...

God bless you Sandi

Kathleen

[JudyJB]

I didn't realize it, but I guess boys are easier than girls. Less sensitivity and being offended by little things. I am careful around their wives, however. They are all good parents to my grandchildren, and that makes me happy.

I agree that you should find another solution for your cat while you are away next time.

A long time ago, before my sons were married, a co-worker had had both of her sons married within a few months. I asked her how she was doing as a mother-in-law. She replied that she was doing fine because she had no opinions. In other words, she offered no advice and did not give any even when asked. I thought that was very admirable of her and a very hard policy to keep, but I do try.

Your daughter is super-sensitive for some reason you may never know, so the best you can do right now is try to not get upset yourself or let these things upset you.

[Azusateach]

People we love are the folks who can cut us to the bone. I sometimes think just about every family is a dysfunctional family.

So true, Evie!

As I look back on my relationship with my mom (who died almost 5 years ago) I realize how toxic she was, and how hard I had to work to keep our relationship in a place where I felt safe. She wasn't a "bad" person at all. In fact, she was admired near & far and had oodles of friends. But when it came to me, her only daughter, she was a black hole that I would get sucked into if I wasn't careful. She wanted to live her life through me and manipulated every situation to try and make sure she was the center of my world. Even went so far once and scheduled elective surgery during a long-planned vacation I had so that I'd cancel it and stay home with her. Didn't work.

Sandi, I don't know what your daughter is upset over. But maybe putting some distance between you and her family will give you both a new perspective and begin whatever healing needs to take place. There's always the risk that you'll lose her and your grands, but given the way things are going right now it sounds like it couldn't get much worse.

Again, my heart goes out to you. Please keep us posted.

Laura

[Excel]

Sandi... lots of thoughts here for you to ponder over... like others, I relate to your situation because of the problems I too have, with my kids. When I had the break-in and my son came over to help 'solve' a problem, all that came out of it was his abusive, screaming attitude. Then he left my home, telling me I would have to apologize to him before he'd speak to me again.... Wow! As I had little comment throughout his tirade, & never raised my voice, I was in shock when he left. I did receive an email from him, but not a 'I'm sorry for my behavior'.... so I ignored it & have not heard or spoken to him since. Many weeks have passed but I still don't feel the need to 'forgive' him nor apologize as he demanded. I would never speak to my Mom & Dad (who are gone) the way he spoke to me. That sort of thing would not have been tolerated by my folks & I never broke that rule.

As others have said, a lot of families are just not perfect so it's not just you and/or me & our families.... so let that console you somewhat. I have to walk on eggshells with my youngest daughter as for whatever reason, I can do little 'right'. Wasn't that way with Kathy, the daughter I lost recently & she lived with me for years & years. However, I agree with others that Mother & Daughter relationships are 'iffy' a lot of the time. You almost have to be a mind reader to figure out where they're coming from & if you are lucky enough to be able to talk about stuff, their memory of the 'event' is often not your memory of what really happened.

I have 3 Grandsons that live locally, although Alec is in college at ASU so I stay in touch with him by Facetime & phone. The other 2 are close to me & I treasure their presence in my life. Now my daughter's 2 children I am not close to. They all live in southern CA & as my relationship with my daughter there is so often up & down & on & off, that I have very little contact with the kids. Daughter & SIL are good parents but favor my SIL's parents over me. Interesting as his parents live in Florida.... I do feel sorry that I am sort of left out of their lives, but I really cannot change that. Like you, I try to be equal in gift giving to each of the 5. What you might consider instead of a gift or a check is a bond. I started that with all of them from when they were born & for the 3 boys nearest to me, it has helped them a lot. I stopped with the 2 down south cause their Dad is a Broker & places investment plans in large companies, etc., and he told me not to bother so I stopped. Now, I just send a check to each or a gift card.

I know I'm talking too much about me... sorry... What I would do & what you should do is probably not the same... I'm just telling you how I'm handling what's on my plate. Sometimes the attitudes of the parents rubs off onto the Grandkids... so you have to be aware of that. If Mom & Dad don't like you, chances can be that the kids will follow that pattern. Consider that. For your own peace of mind (& sanity), you may have to close the door on the whole family & let time pass & tempers cool..... Time has a way about it that may work better for you than trying to do something now.

BTW...... would never leave a pet with them again..... their behavior there should tell you something......

[monik7]

I'd like to thank all of you who took the time to post your thoughts here on the forum. I appreciate all your ideas and opinions. I don't know where this is going to end, but it's a great comfort to know I have friends here who care enough to try and help. Thank you all.
Sandi

[Redwahine]

Hi Sandi. I care, but don't have any good advice. I have 5 adult kids ranging from 30 -43, 2 sons, 3 daughters. Relationships have been up and down with some and pretty much even Steven with others. When things are not good it is usually because something is going on in their personal life or conversely, something going on in my life that affects the relationship. 20 yrs ago one daughter un-invited us from her wedding and didn't speak to us for 3 yrs. (marriage lasted 5 yrs). We are very close now and I have a great relationship with her kids as well. Today, we can't remember what caused the rift. Time heals wounds and there will be a time when you won't be able to remember what you were upset about.

[snowball]

Sandi
I'm so sorry that you are having troubles again with your daughter ...it's really hard to give advice when I've not been in your situation.
Just know that I'm here as are all of us...so you can vent when needed wish Jenny would see this as she went through a situation with one of
her daughters...very explosive and lasted a long time affected the grandkids but apparently this summer they were able to over come the past and are 'friends' again....I hope this will happen to you...in the meantime make connections with the kids via phone mail e-mail or face book
take care my friend
((((hugs))))
Sheila

[JoanE]

Interesting that the mothers and daughters who posted here each found the other party at fault for their relationship problems. That may be the real problem. If you want change, it must begin with you.

[Nasoosie]

Family relationships are like puzzles----sometimes the pieces fit perfectly, and sometimes they get all twisted around. I feel really lucky to have a wonderful relationship with my two kids, although my daughter can be really bitchy and grumpy and accusatory and put me down now and then, I realize she has been this way for as long as I can remember and that she will be fine again soon. When it comes right down to it, I know she loves me and respects me and would do anything for me. But, during those outbursts when she hollers at me, and my feelings get hurt, I have to remind myself that "this, too, shall pass." It works for me, and I adore that girl. However, her mate, my son-in-law, is another story. I feel that he has absolutely no right to holler at me for reasons that I feel are very unfair. Even after an apology from him (hollered at me for reprimanding Orion who was hurting another person when both he and Mandy were present----he told me I had no right to discipline my own grandson when he was around----bullshit is a mild way of putting the tantrum I threw in the wake of that comment!) I still feel annoyed and as if walking on eggshells now when he and Orion are around me at the same time. I feel that it takes the entire group of adults present to make sure the behavior of a youngster meets the family's expectations and that no one who sees errant behavior should turn one's back to it, waiting for the 'real parent' to notice it and correct it. My daughter stood up for me in that instance, but told me that it had been a 'thing' with Joe for a long time that he felt I was too bossy with Orion when we were all together....as if I were trying to be the 'boss' and infer that the two of them are negligent parents. I thought nothing of the sort, and was shocked at those feelings he harbors. I feel that the two of them are wonderful parents who are very busy, sometimes preoccupied with other tasks at hand, and just don't see things happening that need to be addressed. Joe is a super father, I think, and I have told him that. I have since apologized for my tantrum as well, and now plan to just try to be a wall-flower when we are all together. I guess I should tell him things like, "Your son is kicking my dog." or "Your son is pulling his cousin's hair and trying to pull it out by the roots." or "Your son is banging on my coffee table with his rock and making dents in it." As I have been both a mother and a teacher all my life, I find it nearly impossible to ignore such behaviors when others are not seeing them and acting to correct them. But oh well......I was to have gone up to their house for a couple of weeks before I leave for the south so that I could watch Orion while his father worked in the yard on chores needing to get done while Mandy was working at school. I made excuses for not going as I have no desire to have to walk on tip-toes around Orion and his father. As a result of my bruised feelings, I guess we all are suffering. But I need to avoid stress for my own sake.

Sorry to get carried away with a personal situation, but I feel your pain, Sandi, and all I can say is, to protect yourself and your relationship with your grandkids and kids, I would suggest trying to ignore the rantings and accusations and realize they are what they are, but know you are not the evil person they tend to make you feel. I love the suggestion of giving an equal amount of money checks for gifts from now on, if it's strictly money that seems to be the catalyst for causing you to be chastised. It makes it not so much fun for you, as you don't get to choose 'special' things for each grandkid, but if it keeps harmony and avoids the stresses, I would go with it. Your son-in-law seems to feel guilty about allowing the cat water bowl to be empty and resented your bringing up the question of whether the poor kitty ever had any water while you were gone.....sometimes a feeling of inadequacy allows people to lash out at others, especially if they resent ever having to do anything for others to begin with. Hang in there, and appreciate whatever time you can get in with all of them, and just don't allow them to throw any false guilt your way! I suppose all kids might feel that their elders are 'too bossy' and that's the way of things. Some day they will be walking in our shoes, and will suddenly realize how we are feeling right now!

[mitch5252]

...But I need to avoid stress for my own sake.

..
As we all do/should...
Stress can kill you.
..

[Olive600]

Sandi, I've been thinking about your post since I read it. I don't have children and I'm not close to my biological family, so I can't walk in your shoes. I do wish you peace and happiness. I'm so sorry for your pain.

Nikki

[Carolinagal]

Sandi, I'm so sorry to hear of your hurt. I have been reading the responses in hopes of some good advice that would help me and my situation also. I have no advice for you, sorry, searching for my own answers so am really selfish here. I do know and understand your hurt though, and hope for your sake you can find something that will help keep most of the hurt at bay, where you can enjoy your days more. Dwelling on it, will only make the situation worse for you, as its been said, stress can kill or make you very ill.

Take care of yourself,
CArol