Should I send him off alone?

[JoanE]

Irmi, you can be there for Steve and your parents. As Liz said the airlines have you only a few hours from each of them. You need to consider your own needs too. It does no one any good if you are worn down worrying or caring for everyone else.

You will do what feels right for you and Steve.

Joan

[Getupngo]

Irmi, what a struggle for you, and you do have an enormous heart. But the one question that keeps coming to mind is whether you have talked to your mom about this. What does she think? It's so common to shield and even to infantilize old people when they are frail. Is she competent to tell you what she wants from and for you?

Having said that, I was never faced with aging parents ... both my parents died when I was about 35. But one thing I have experienced -- in an instant losing my husband when he was far too young. I am so grateful for the things we were able to do together.

That's my $.02. My heart is with you while you make this decision.

[Irmi]

Thank you, everyone, for your input. Steve & I have talked, and we are still planning on going to Florida for the winter. I have other siblings, one is bedridden and in the hospital as I type. Two sisters are out of state and have appreciated everything I've done. A brother and his wife have carried my parents through the winter and we have tried to do the same for them during the summer months. It just seems that as my parents age, their care changes, even though they have nurses on a daily basis. Again, thank you so much.

[Getupngo]

Irmi, I'm happy that you and Steve have come to a decision together. I know that sitting on the fence is so much more painful than making a decision.

Have a good winter in Florida. You can always dash back to see your mom if need be. In between, there are telephones.

[bluepinecones]

Sending prayers for you and family
Hope to see you in FL.

[Sandersmr]

I'm glad that you and Steve have made a decision together. I know it's tough to be the one responsible and it's tough to be away. I was there when Mom needed help with Daddy and I was there when Mom went through her chemo. But she's moved off and I still work fulltime so it's not as easy for me to be there for her now. My sister is supposed to be the one doing it now, but she travels for her job. So she's still bouncing stuff off of me. As a result, I'm making a flying trip to Atlanta this weekend to celebrate Mom's birthday and do a subtle check out - even though I was just with Mom a month ago for 2 weeks.

[JudyJB]

I went through being responsible for my mother for several years, when she was in independent living and not doing too well, and later in a nursing home for three months and then in Memory care. I know how difficult it can be, so I am sorry you have to go through this.

One thing I did when I had to travel for more than a couple of days and once when I had surgery, was to hire a "spy." Well, basically, she was a person who went to visit my mother and just checked on her. She made sure that she was getting the care in the nursing home and memory care that she was supposed to, and reported back to me daily on how she looked and whether she was clean, etc. She did this for $22 a visit, which I thought was a bargain. She did this for several families in various local nursing homes, and was very good at calling families if someone was not being cared for properly. I know of a couple of times the families pulled their relative out immediately. The best thing is that she emailed me daily.

You might want to see if there is someone in the community, maybe from a church group, who would go visit her while you were in Florida and just be snoopy to make sure things were OK. The lady I had was very astute when something was not right. She did things like asking if my mother had eaten, etc. When my mother was in independent care, she even went through her refrigerator and tossed any spoiled looking food and then would fix my mother a sandwich or soup or something if she had not gone down to dinner.

[Irmi]

Thanks Judy. That's a great idea and I will have to give that some thought.

[JudyJB]

The key to choosing your "spy" is to find someone who is really observant. My mother used to get her meds given to her by the staff at the independent living apartment building when she lived there, but she was very good at, and the only word I can think of is "bamboozling" them. Several times she talked them out of giving her her pills. And another time she talked one into giving her the whole bottle of pain meds. They were young women who just did not pay attention to details.

Linda, the lady I hired when I had to go out of town or had surgery, was really smart, although most people would consider her completely unqualified because she had no medical background. But she kept her eyes open and watched out for things. She was hired by me directly, and was an independent observer of all the nursing and aid staff that came and went.

A colleague of mine once hired a "friend" for her mother who came and visited three times a week when she had to move to memory care. She did mostly the same thing.

[JoanE]

Along the lines of what Judy suggested, my ex FINALLY engaged an elder care person that my daughter recommended. After two back to back hospitalizations and then a few weeks in post acute care, he is home. The person arranged for meal delivery, housekeeping, physical therapists and rides to his DR appts. So far he is very happy but he is a very difficult person.

This is costing him some cash but not even close to what assisted living would be. That could be another option for your family.

Take care of yourself, Irmi.