here's my vent,,,thanks for 'listening'

[JanetA]

i posted this on another topic and it died... just wanted to repost and get some much needed feedback from you sweet women!


I just have to tell ya'll,,, i'm a bit worried about mama. I also have a huge guilt hanging around me,, for obvious reasons,, those selfish ones of me wanting to get out and have a life on the road b4 im too old... me AND my dear NEW husband of 1 yr,, Roy. what a dear he has been helping w/ mama. ANyway,, about mama... she came out of her bathroom last night like she always does, passing thru the den on her way to her bedroom saying good night,, but this time she was chastising me about messing w/ her toothbrush,,, throwing it away and getting out a new one. WELL! i gotta tell you this hit me like a ton of bricks,, cuz,,, as yo might guess,, i hadn't touched her toothbrushes,,, etc.... She swore up and down that i'd thrown her old one away,, (the one she liked!) and put out a new one and i was to NEVER do that again! I sort of lost it and told her she was the one that had to have done that as i'd never do such a thing! i pretty much leave her br to her except every once in a while i go in there and clean it... but anyway,, just an indicator to me that she's getting more forgetful. I guess im just incredulous as to her losing her mind,, cuz ,, we know our mamas are spose to be the same forever,, right???????... oh well,,

I just pray God takes her before she gets so bad that we have to make other arrangements. It nearly killed me to have to put daddy in the nursing home,,,2 1/2 yrs ago,, and he hadn't lost his mind,, only his legs and continence. The dr told me that i could NOT take care of them both... so he went. I know mama missed him,,,cuz I sure do! But he is jollly and the NH isnt far... we go as often as we can....i go more often cuz mama is sorta hard to get to go,, gotta get all duded up etc...b4 she will go out in public and getting dressed is getting more difficult by the month. CHurch which was a regular thing is not a once in a great while thing, due to the trouble it takes her to get bathed, dressed,, etc...

I know I could get home health and all that jazz,, but it's not me that doesn't want it,,, i bow to her desires. Sigh...

thanks, girls,, for letting me vent. I just thank all of you for posting all your wonderful adventures,, be they big or small,,

Oh,, we did sneak out the other day while she was napping,, (she takes long naps,, like 4 hrs etc) and dashed down to south Llano river state park,, and looked at the lovely river and saw the wild turkeys and let the dogs run a bit and grabbed a bite at the mexican restaurant in Menard, tx. on the way. Junction looked livlier than ever, even in this off time of the year. There were several beautiful rvs in the campground,, as we drove thru it,,, I wanted Roy to see how the '"other half" lives.... w/ him protesting all the time that we didnt pay the day fee. I assured him thatthey didnt charge for a 'drive thru'. ha.. and if anyone stopped us.. which no one did,, we would just explain that we were looking the place over for future plans,,,,,, etc...

again.. thanks for you all! love you all!

Janet p.s. I'd post pics if it weren't so much trouble!

[Irmi]

Janet, what you are feeling is normal and unfortunately, what your mama is going through at this stage of her life is also normal. As a part-time caregiver for my parents, I totally identified with what you are seeing and feeling. My Mom, more so than Dad, is very forgetful and can't remember where she put something from only a few hours earlier. I have had to walk out of the room, when I was hurt or talked down to, and called hubby or gotten on my laptop with friends here to try to keep my sanity. I never thought helping our parents would be this hard to take care of, but right now, we have to be the parents for our parents. I'm so glad you & Roy are able to get out of the house for a few hours to clear your mind. You need that. I wish there was more that I could tell you, or say to you, to help with the hurt and pain you are feeling. If you ever want to PM me, please do, as I do know what you are going through.

[JoanE]

Janet, I have not experienced what you are going through as both of my parents died in their 40s but I do know that you do need a life of your own and especially time to be with your new hubby. Even if your mother does not want home care, you should arrange for it anyway. Caregivers need care too and you deserve a break. You will not be of much use to your mom or your husband if you fall apart. This is a lot of stress for you. We have an adult day care center and also a senior friendship center here in my town. See if there is something like that available to you too.

Joan

[chalet05]

I don't have any experience other than the last few weeks of my mother's life before she passed away of cancer at the age of 54. She was staying with us for a short time when her behavior became odd - trying to take apart flower arrangements, trying to take a bite out of a small radio. It's a scary time. My dad lived in another state in his elder years.

While your mother deserves good, loving care, you deserve your life, too. And with a new hubby. I have seen too many put off their dreams to take care of parents, and never get to their own dreams. Hopefully, you will find a good balance. I have a couple of cousins that wish they weren't only children because everything is falling on them.

Caregiving is stressful so be good to yourself when you can.

[mitch5252]

Caregiving is stressful so be good to yourself when you can.

This advice is some of the best you could receive.

{{ HUGS }}, Janet...
I'm sorry you must go through this and I'm glad you and Roy found each other.

[monik7]

Hi Janet:

I just thought I'd chime in with my experience. At 84, my father was diagnosed with early-onset dementia. He started doing many things just like you've described. In addition, he became aggressive. I have to admit I didn't handle it in the best way for which I have big regrets. My only excuse is that I was in the middle of a 7-week trial for the murderers of my son and under great stress. But now I can see that I should have handled my stress in a better way so I could better help care for my father. My mother was left with a terrible burden and when I couldn't take his belligerence and told him so, I made it much worse.

So my advice would be to take some time for yourself so you can better handle what comes along the way from your mom and make the decisions you may have to confront. Remember, she's not herself and try not to take the things she says and does personally. That way when she is gone, you won't regret what you did or didn't do. You have my prayers for love, strength and patience.
Sandi

[HorizonSeeker]

Bless you Janet. I have been there and know it is hard. My mother got more forgetful and angry, very angry. She was living with my baby brother and I thought for sure he would drop from the pressure but fortunately (and I know this sounds harsh) her lung cancer returned and spread to her bones killing her in just a few months. But it was a rough year for all of us. I know the caretaker takes the hardest blow on this but in the end you do learn to appreciate the little things in life so much more. I'll keep you in my thoughts and pray for strength to stay with you.

[havingfunnow]

Caregiving is about the hardest job there is -- and while caring for small children is work, caring for elderly parents is even harder. I think that's partly because of the role reversal and partly because there's just no hope of improvement.

The best thing you can do for both your mother and yourself is GET HELP! Your mother probably doesn't want to interact with a stranger, but she isn't thinking clearly now. You have to make the choices for both of you -- and getting yourself exhausted and miserable is not good for either of you. Make sure you have plenty of "off duty" time. It's entirely possible to ruin your own health with this job. That's bad for you and doesn't help your mother either. (I won't tell you my story, but believe me, I know that to be true.)

I would also suggest joining a caregiver's group. You might check with your mother's doctor, or the county office on aging, to locate one. It's really wonderful how comforting and helpful the company of others going through the same thing can be.

I'm so glad you "vented" here. Keep it up!

[Dawn309]

Janet, my heart goes out to you having been through so much of this the last year of Chuck's life. He had mild dementia and when his medication was wearing off, mostly in the middle of the night, he would get up thinking he was not in his house. He was in a house that looked like his, but wasn't his. I was afraid to sleep for that last year fearful he would get the keys and take off in his truck, not knowing where he was going. My saving grace was he could not walk very far without holding onto something or he would fall. He also woke me up walking on my side of the bed. When I asked him if everything was OK, he asked me in almost a little boy's voice if I knew where his Daddy was. It was heart breaking because his Dad had passed away more than 20 years prior to this. I quietly explained to him that his Daddy was not there and he seemed to come back to himself. He would also forget where rooms in our house were. Luckily, he never became combative or abusive in any way. I did have home health nurses that came once a week. They said I could also have help to get out but like you, I did not want it. I was afraid to leave him for more than about 15-20 minutes at a time. I got to where I would run into the store, throw things in the basket and run back out again. Paul would come down to the house to be there just in case while I was gone.

Be sure and share your thoughts and feelings with us here. I know I would have fallen apart more than one time if I had not had this forum to "talk to". We are there for you. do try to get out as much as you can and ask for help. It will be the best thing for all of you. Your Mom may decide she really likes the nurses. You can't ever tell. They are very patient and even toned. Your Mom may really respond to that.

[cnq50b]

Dear Janet,
I can't really add to anything that others have already said - just try hard to hold onto the mom you know & love - she's in there, just hard to find at times. And know that frequently it is her own frustration that is talking - it has nothing to do with you or even her toothbrush. I can't imagine how tough it will be to not be in control anymore, not to remember things, to be dependent on others, especially on my kids...
I will be surrounding you with prayers for peace, patience & strength....
Catherine

[JanetA]

I just wrote a long letter to you all about how much you all mean to me and thanking you for all your sweet words and the damn thing disappeared due to an automatic reboot tht my computer slipped in on me,,,, grrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

anyway,,, I will attempt to do it again.....a great big thank you for writing back to me to give me encouragement and comfort while i do my DUTY to my parents. I don't mind doing it really ,, as I know it's payback time for all theyve done for me during my life. THey were the best parent a girl could have asked for. Very supportive,, and when i was in a tight for money,, they bailed me out a few (very few) times but when they deemed it really deserving,, then they did help us out. also me,, since i was single,,, i lived in my grandmother's house about 10 miles from them on the place where my dad was born and raised. It had been vacant ever since my grandmother went in to the nursing home in 1979. I moved in there w/ my fam in '83,,,, an old farmhouse,, built by my grand and great grand fathers.... i was proud to live there,, even tho it was pretty primitive... no central heat,, a/c all that jazz... 2 bedrooms for 2 kids,,, but we had a great life there... and I had 20 single yrs there enjoying my solitude...as it is about 10 miles out in the country from this small town of 5600 where we live . I moved in w/ the folks in dec. of 07 when my mom had her first health episode, from which she recovered... then remained thru 2 of daddies' knee replacements and breast surgery for mama,, etc,, on and on.... until daddy went in the nursing home and mama remained home w/ me,,, then came sweet Roy.

anyway... just wanted to say,,, you can't imagine how much i appreciate you girls and all your words of encouragement and comfort to me. I just want to thank you and let you know how grateful I am and how much I value you all and this forum.

I feel like very close to you all,,, and im so glad I found this forum several years aago,,,, I know im not always faithful to come in regularly,, guess i just take it by spells,, w/ all that's going on around me. Roy had heart surgery last yr,, and also gall bladder. poor guy,, sorta had the fall-aparts after we got together,, but we've weathered that and got thru it just fine and are one big happy family...so,,,,

I just want you all to know that im going to sit down w/ my daughter and have her pencil me in a couple of weeks for this summer for US to get to take another vacation and let mama stay w/ her in Lubbock. That's what happend last summer but 5 days just wasn't long enough,, although,, it sure was enough to make a big hicky on our credit card... none of which i resent one bit!

Just wanted to tel you that mama is NOT abusive or really hard to get along with,, quite the contrary,,, she's a sweetheart,,, just sometimes i think she gets frustrated, being blind and not hearing worth a poot,, and not being able to get around and do things like she use to ... im sure that is REALLLY frustrating,, i try to put myself in her shoes.. Thats why i feel guilty sometimes for resenting not having a life of our own,,, to get out and travel,,,, so i go back and forth.

Thanks again,,,, and keep posting your wonderful trips so that I can live vicariously if you don't mind! And the more pictures the better!

I just wish i could master this picture photobucket debaucle!

love you all!

Janet