Of Mice and Men

[Travelinana]

I get too comfortable with this forum forgetting that anyone can read it, thought it best to delete.
Thanks Kathleen and Irmi for your supporting words.

[dayspring39]

Oh Nancy I do know about back pain... I hope the doctor can soon find the correct med and dose to help... that changes often...
I will put my two cents in about your son and grandson... think about the situation... would you simply be a substitute for his soon to be x? He may need to go about things by himself with your distant support then he will sink or swim... he will come out stronger in the end... things are never one way...
Kathleen

[Irmi]

Nancy, I'm so sorry you are facing this situation. Because of things going on in my life, I can understand the pain. I will keep you lifted up in prayer and hope things continue in a positive way.

[rvgrammy1953]

Don't know the situation, but we're all here to support you, if you need to talk....

[Getupngo]

I'll say something based on my inference from Irmi's response. I think our adult children can be as dependent or incompetent as everyone around them allows -- or unconsciously encourages -- them to be. Drawing a line while expressing confidence in someone's ability to take care of him or herself teaches resilience.

If my son, for instance, landed in a tough place and asked to stay with me while he regrouped, I would say yes. That is because he always has been self-supporting and productive. I would trust that he would find his footing and move on with his life. My youngest stepson wanted to come live with my husband and me and we agreed, only if he not only got a job but paid us rent while he lived with us. He decided to stay with him mom, who let him live there for free.

A little later, after he continued to go out and drink and hang out with his friends all night and sleep all day, my husband, his ex-wife and I sat down with their son to talk about it. Dad and mom talked to him -- at great patronizing length -- to convince him why he should get a job, that it would be good for him, blah blah blah. After listening to 45 minutes of that drivel, I broke in and said, "Hey Ben. You want me to boil it down for you?" He looked at me gratefully. "Yes," he said."

"You're 19. You're an adult and adults are self-supporting. It's time."

He smiled, said okay, and went out and got a job. I treated him with respect. His parents, with the best of intentions, were saying in a thousand different ways that he was not competent.

Turns out later, he wasn't competent. But that is another story.