I didn't think I could but I did it.

[mizdeb]

I gotta tell you this week has been so hard and Monday I didn't give my self 2 cents to survive Tues, but Yes I did. I don't know why it seemed so hard to face getting through our anniversary but it did. I know I have to make it through all of the firsts this year as many of you have and those newer to this club we find ourselves in sill have to go through. I hate being alone, I want to be a screaming diva like others have described themselves here. And I did at the cemetery on Tuesday. Then on Thursday I was sitting in my office and it hit me that Les had been gone for 5 months. Where has the time gone. I was so focused on 9/11 that 9/13 totally took me by surprise. How did that happen? I was talking to Les's sister the other night and she told me that today is 8 years since her husband passed away. I can't imagine that long right now.

I am finding things to look forward to now and find myself laughing more and more and then I feel guilty. Why? The house is getting there and hopefully I will find a buyer who wants a little house in the country.

I did update the blog, but not sure if I posted or not. Lobsta for everyone is waiting http://ramblinways.blogspot.com/

It has been a beautiful fall day in New Hampshire.
Deb

[sharon]

Deb, it's been 8 years for me, too, and in some ways anniversarys and birthdays are easier and in some ways not so much. It's just something that you get thru. And yes, I'm known at the cemetary as the crazy lady. LOL! Big hug to you, my dear.

[longdog2]

You should never feel guilty that you are able to be happy more and more. Your husband would not want to see you unhappy. You will get through this. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

[Bethers]

Oh, Deb, we are so much stronger than we think we are, aren't we. Feel very good about yourself - and don't feel badly when you want to scream. And never ever feel guilty that you are feeling happy again more and more. Both are okay to feel and your husband is watching and I'm sure feeling very good that you are happy more often. As Colleen just said, I'm sure he doesn't want you to feel sad and badly forever.

[Dawn309]

Deb, all these firsts are so hard. I am proud of you! We are both still learning to just put one foot in front of the other, like you said. I haven't found the time yet where I feel happy about anything. I just get through the day as best I can. I am keeping my fingers crossed that your house will sell quickly and you can get on the road like you want.

[mitch5252]

I sure understand the feeling guilty about feeling happy.
That's a big bad one for me.
Although new med is helping so far.
Thank God for drugs.

It's gotta get easier and easier...
Hopefully, some day without drugs.

Stay strong, sistah!!

[snowball]

our anniversary is coming up as well. But it is also the day my daughter will graduate from cosmetology school and she wants me there..so will go to the cemetery
before I leave this area. My plans are to take the 5th wheel down to SLC prior to her graduation and stay in SLC till the first Monday or so of Nov then go on down to Quartzsite...that are my plans subject of course on how I decided to get this rig down there.
Be Happy Deb that is what your husband would want do what you need to do the things you want to do
Its a life in progress I remember thinking I don't know what to do never been a widow before! we will persevere and life will go on
sheila

[mizdeb]

Although new med is helping so far.
Thank God for drugs.

It's gotta get easier and easier...
Hopefully, some day without drugs.

I tried the drugs and didn't feel like I was in control of me. Can't do it so I face the pain. Not sucking it up by any means, but Duncan's coat is great at absorbing my tears and he just snuggles that much closer to let me cry into his fur. If not for him I don't know where I would be now.

Dawn I find that even a pretty flower or just walking along the river across the street from my house can be a comfort and bring a smile.

This summer I have watched the butterflies emerge from their cocoons and they struggle so hard to get out and spread their wings, but it makes them so strong. I like to think that is what we are doing during this time of our lives.

[Dawn309]

Deb, I do smile at the birds and things the dogs do. They are such a comfort to me. When I am crying, they all climb in my lap. Now that's a sight! It's like they are trying to tell me it's going to be OK Momma. I know Chuck would not want me to be in tears daily still. I have been such a happy person my whole life and I am working on getting back there. At least the tears don't last as long as they used to. I tear up writing things like this, but then they go away and I can go on. The only med that I am taking is what is left of Chuck's Lorazapam. It is only 10 mg, but it helps me sleep. It will be gone soon and then I will have to learn to sleep without anything except Tylenol PM. I am getting better Deb but I am not there completely yet. I figure that is going to take a little while longer.

[Rufflesgurl]

You gals are all so strong and should e proud of yourselves and your accomplishments! Let the tears roll when they need to and ENJOY all the happiness you feel when that comes too.

Linda

[Nasoosie]

It's definitely a human emotion to feel guilty about learning to smile and laugh and find happiness slowly again after a horrendous loss. I have no idea why this should be, but I do know that it is. "How can I smile about this in the face of my traumatic loss?" "What am I thinking, having fun here?"

Our human minds have ways of healing themselves enough to never forget the losses we suffer in life, but to recognize the happiness available and out there for as long as we breathe. The guilt is a strange part of this, especially early on in the loss. The guilt fades as time passes, and we find we can sometimes laugh and smile and be really happy for longer and longer periods of time. I was advised to take some sort of anti-depressant drug after I lost my baby to Sudden Infant Death, but, like others of you, I found that I hated being drugged enough to not be able to deal with the truth and the loss as well. Others tried to insist I take the danged drug so I would stop crying-----I needed to cry and adapt to life with my full brain powers and with my true emotions.

Our brains have been made to adapt----all of us, if we give ourselves the time to mourn fully and openly and shamelessly. Sometimes we need to tell others that we are fine, but just sad and terribly injured, and that we just need the time to cry and learn to see happiness again. I loved the description Dawn had of the hatching butterflies-----this is a great comparison of us emerging into a new life. Sharing the pain and anguish is also very good for the mind and our souls, so keep talking about what you are going through. We may cry with you as we remember our own agonies, but that's the way of it. Sometimes I used to think that nobody else on earth could ever have experienced the pain I was feeling, and that I was so different from all others. I found myself resenting the books that talked as if humans were so alike in feeling the pain of loss. Looking back, I see that we are more alike than unalike!

You are all experiencing, in the words from Desiderata once again, "the Universe is unfolding as it should."

[Pooker]

It's been 5 years for me and feels like 5 months. The weeks and months fly by much too quickly and I feel like I became an old lady when I wasn't looking. We were supposed to have 10 more years of our wonderful trips together.

Deb, you are doing amazingly well. We bump along trying to figure out what this new life is to be and wish we could go back to the old one. There are times when I see our friends dancing with their spouses and start to cry with jealousy. But then I remember that my DH hated dancing! Doesn't matter - I'm still envious. Other times a song will set me off to a crying jag. The words get to me. Or that particular song was popular when we got engaged. Why does it seem like the whole world walks two by two holding hands? It's hard to be happy with only half a heart. There are happy days, tho. We just need to fill our lives with things we enjoy. That's sometimes hard to do because often we don't know what would bring us enjoyment. I guess it's a learning curve and some of us are faster learners than others. Writing in my journal helps. And these sisters help so very much, too.

As you said - you can do it.

Pooker

[mitch5252]

...You are all experiencing, in the words from Desiderata once again, "the Universe is unfolding as it should."

Soos, that quote inspired me to look further.
Here is more from the prose that I found particulary lovely:

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its shams, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

[Readytogo]

There are so many in this group with such a great gift for words. Evie, it's been six years for me and I wondered if others are still experiencing such feelings after "so long" Sometimes just out driving and passing a place we would eat lunch makes me sad. But not like in the beginning, more like a wistful sadness. I have decided we don't ever let go, but build a new life and all in all it is full and happy. Deb, Dawn, and Mitch , don't rush the grieving process, but let it unfold naturally. It will be a new life and a full life but a different life!

[sharon]

Evie (Pooker) and Soos, your postings were so heartfelt or in-sightful or....geez, I don't know, but both of you were able to put into words what I was feeling and couldn't seem to get on paper. Thank you both so much! I always felt like I was the only one on earth hurting so badly...and then I found a couple of ladies on the old forum, Sparkle for one, and found out that I wasn't alone and wasn't the only one on the planet hurting like this, and no one really understands how it is to lose the love of your life unless they've been thru it.

I'll never forget, I was on my first trip in the rv by myself and I had stopped in Albuquerque to see my dad and sister. I was over at my nephews house and there was a comedian on tv and I just about busted a gut laughing at him. My sister told me it was so good to hear me laugh again. Imediately I felt guilty and see now that I shouldn't have. It's ok to cry, but it's also ok to laugh and have a good time.

So true, Wendy!