I Don't Understand People

[AlmostThere]

Estate planning. It's essential. Then if any family members have a gripe, they have to take it up with the deceased.

[bertnspike]

When my DH's son started acting up over his grandfather's estate we went to a lawyer and had a Living Trust drawn up which basically states that the one who lives the longest gets to do what they want with the estate and if anything is left it will be divided equally between ALL the GRANDCHILDREN. We totally skipped the children. The DD understands, agrees, and doesn't want anything anyway. The DS (and D does NOT stand for "dear" in this case) had not spoken to his father for 2 years and still has not spoken to me.

If you were to set up something like that, say, a Living Trust for your grandchildren, everyone benefits and the oldest daughter doesn't get to take advantage, and anything you have may be used by YOU, with no one to answer to.

Susan

[HorizonSeeker]

Glad I made you laugh. Hope there is a lot of laughter for you mixed in with all this sorrow. And I hope your dh pulls through all this. That will really piss off the greedy daughter and some other folks. Good luck!

[mitch5252]

I was married to George for forty years. Two weeks before he died, just over four months ago, I was told, in an email by George's Youngest Male Spawn (age 50), that I am an "evil, parasitic, gold-digging, trailer-trash, dyke, whore". Come on - where'd he come up with "dyke" ? ? ?

When we moved to TN, we went to an attorney in Paris (TN) who knew NOTHING of our history. He kept up, over and over and over, looking directly at George, that if you don't have a "trust", a will can be changed the minute you die. OVER AND OVER AND OVER. George said he would consider what the attorney was saying. A few days later, George called him and told him that's fine. He didn'tt want a trust. And the lawyer put an article in both of our wills stating that he advised us of the ability for the survivor to change the will.

At the signing of the wills, I mentioned something about having been married over 30 years...he got a very surprised look on his face and said, "Oh, well - that's a different story." I told him he thought I was a gold digger. He said he did not. I said yes, he did. And we agreed to disagree. Eight years later, the attorney remembered having advised "us" (George) I could change the will after he died.

Guess what - I'm not nuts about being called an Evil, Parasitic, Gold-Digging, Trailer-Trash, Dyke, Whore". And guess what else? Will was changed within 2 weeks after my husband died on November 30, 2011. Ha-ha. I win. Actually, though, no one wins. George's legacy loses. Sad.

[Dawn309]

Oh my gosh, Mitch. That was horrible. What an evil thing for that man to do. Sounds so similar to this. Chuck and I have been married for 33 years. When we met, the oldest was just a little girl. All the girls lived with us when we first got married. The oldest moved in with their natural mother in about a year after that. She did not like our rules and her mother didn't have any. The other two girls lived with us until they were in high school. They then asked if it was OK for them to live with her too. They felt like they didn't really know her and wanted to. We agreed then. If we had it to do all over again, we would not for a whole lot of reasons. The middle and youngest daughters are more like us than the oldest because they lived with us in a stable home during their formative years. They both say that. The oldest has always felt that it is our responsibility to take care of her until we die. She has said that to my face. She has also told me she has always resented me even though Chuck and his ex were divorced for 5 years before I even met him. The middle daughter says the oldest has an unreasonable belief that every bad thing that has ever happened in her life is somehow my fault. All the girls are "my kids" in my heart. I could never have children of my own and I never think of them as anything but my daughters. I am so sorry that she is showing her rear in all this. I don't think it will ever change, I am afraid. I don't intend to change my will. They are all 3 my kids and whatever I have when I die will go to them. I don't blame you for changing yours, for sure. Like you said, George was the real loser there. I just hope he did not hear his son call you those horrible things.

[BarbaraRose]

My dad owns a home that is worth about 1.5 million dollars. It is currently in us kids' names so it won't go to probate when he dies. I will eventually get my third of it if he doesn't sell it first, however, I have tried to talk him into selling it and buying a townhome with some of it and using the rest to travel or do whatever he wants with it. He built that house a long time ago and he deserves to have the money from it to enjoy his last years with. He is barely surviving financially right now and I keep hoping he will decide to sell it so he can be more comfortable financially but I doubt he ever will. That house is his baby.

Thankfully, none of us kids will fight over anything. Actually the only thing my dad has is the house. We will sell it when he goes someday (he is 85) since none of us can afford to buy out the other two in order to keep it. None of us have very good memories in that house anyways.

I do know other families (and relatives) who have had major issues over inheritance and I think it is fairly common. It is sad that people are willing to damage/ruin relationships within their families over money/belongings/material things. Many people's priorities are really messed up and don't know what is really important in life, maybe until it is too late.

Right now your priority is your time with Chuck, nothing else.

[Suchomlin]

Hopefully you have some good friends, not family members, who can provide you with a reality check and lots of support. Your husband's brother and the daughter have a great sense of entitlement. No doubt the results of years of giving to them and helping them. At this point they expect it. During this difficult time, it is even more important to be very clear what you want to happen. You and Chuck do not owe any one anything. Perhaps it would take a letter to write to all family members and be very clear that this is the time for you and Chuck to support each other. Do not allow yourself being blackmailed. I find myself getting very angry about your situation. Please just take care of yourself and your husband and be with the people who can emotionally support you. You owe your children nothing. You have raised them and now they are on your own. My thoughts are with you and Chuck. Just go with your instincts and they will lead you in the right direction. Do not allow 'logic' to interfere. If you have to, get a good attorney and that person perhaps could be the executor in order to avoid all this family conflict. Hang in there. Tatjana

[JudyJB]

Ditto what Tatjiana said. Dawn, you need to do what is right for your husband and for you, not what one selfish child wants.

I guess I was lucky in that my only sibling, my brother, was completely absent during the years I cared for my mother and handled all of her finances. (He is an alcoholic and drug addict who is out of state and not competent.) I got complete POA very early and did not have to consult anyone. Her grandchildren were also supportive. I spent every penny she had, plus the money she had left me, on her care, and was very glad to do so. There was a will, but nothing in it because we gave the items she wanted given to grandchildren long before she died.

Speaking of my brother, I cannot explain why one child ends up being so different from other people in the family, especially in terms of how they spend money, work (or don't work), blame everyone else for their problems, etc.

Most importantly, you can't blame yourself or anyone else--sometimes these people just turn out differently, and you have to live your life around them, not with them. (Mitch, you did the right thing.)

Hope things are going well for you both.

[Acadianmom]

It seems that the more you do for some people the more they expect. My DH has 4 kids with his first wife. Their grandmother paid for them to have a gold plated education. The 2 girls got a degree, the 2 boys just wasted money. Their mother didn't have much and those 2 boys were always coming with their hand out. My son and I helped her move twice. Do you think her boys were around to help when she needed them. My DH still doesn't know that his mother was afraid to be alone with the younger one. I never did find out what went on there. The older one will hardly speak to his sister because she told her grandmother that he was lying about how much money he needed for school and that was 40 years ago. Thank goodness when my DH wouldn't give them any more money we don't see them.

[bluepinecones]

There is just no explaining the bad behavior of some people. Took me a long time to realize that fact.
Just remember to take care of your self.

[Gentleladybear]

This all comes down to money. It happens between children and parents, siblings and so on. They have a greedy side to them and they want what they "think" should be theirs. They are inconsider, ungreatful people who never say thank you or please. They take and they kick you.

On the basis of that, Your husband has first priority. He does not have that much time and I would do anything I could to make it as enjoyable as possible. If someone arrives that doesn't add to the enjoy they would be shown the door as quietly as possible. NO one deserves their final months on earth to be made miserable by miserable people. So as they exit the door you opened for them, slam it quickly...before they completely exit, smile and go back to the enjoyment of the moment. Now if they don't exit quickly, and they have stepped on that last nerve, you might want to help them out through that closed door.

Been through this more times than I care to mention....so hang in there, put your motorhome together and get out here with all of us....we have a great time.

[Dawn309]

Nan,

Chuckled at the closed door part. Our oldest called last night and had a good conversation with her Dad so maybe all will be OK for him. I will cross whatever bridges I need to when the time comes.

Looking forward to getting out there with all of you. On bad days, I sit and look at pictures of my dream RV. I let those pictures take me away for a little while in my mind. I picture camping beside a river or a lake in the mountains somewhere or possibly on the gulf to hear the surf. It helps when I go back to reality.

Hope it is awhile before I meet any of you ladies. I am sure you understand but thankfully, I know you are out there when the time comes.

Back to my chores,
Dawn

[dayspring39]

You and Chuck are in my prayers... take care of yourself...
Kathleen

[Carolinagal]

I'm so sorry, you have this to deal with. Your wills leave all to each other. You will be the one left, whatever there is, is yours, and only yours, when you die, then it goes, if anything is left to others. No one, is owed anything ever. To expect anything from someone is so totally wrong. Takes the joy out of what you would like to do with anything that might be left after you're gone. Think I'd leave it to charity,

Enjoy your time now with your hubby, forget the rest of this crap and don't let anyone, whoever they are hurt him now. And you can vent and blow steam off here anytime you want, whatever it takes to make you feel better, so you can enjoy your days . We are all here for you, and we are strong supporters of one of our own. Hopefully we won't see you out on the road with us, for a very long time, but we'll always be here for whenever.

Take care of yourself, you're both in my thoughts and prayers ,
CArol

[JoanE]

Well, I've got a slightly different story. My father remarried several years after my mother died. He married a woman my mother couldn't stand. She was coarse and vulgar but she looked a lot like my mother - very Irish. I think that's what attracted my dad. I was out of the house and married but my sister was still living at home. She was about 13. One time while speaking with my sister on the phone I heard Jean bellowing in the background. I asked my sister what the commotion was and she was screaming at my sister telling her she was lying to me. About what? My sister was telling me about a picnic she had been to with the Smiths, "friends of Mommy and Daddy". The lie? Jean was screaming that they were never friends with my mother.

I tried to tell my father about the verbal abuse. My sister told me that verbal abuse was common. My father told me to stop being a troublemaker and mind my own business. Jean decided I shouldn't have contact with my sister anymore. When my father became sick and went in the hospital for heart surgery, Jean didn't tell me. When he died she tried to bar me from his funeral. She didn't succeed because my mother's many sisters came to the funeral to give my sisters and I support.

When Jean moved into my parent's home, she decided to clean house. She took what had been my mother's possessions and threw them in the trash. At night, under cover of darkness, my little sister would rout in the garbage cans to retrieve my mothers things and hide them. My parents did not have much money. Life was always a financial struggle for them however they always purchased good quality and they took exceptional care of their possessions. The items going in the trash were beautiful and had much sentimental value to us.

When my dad passed, he left the house to Jean and to my two sisters and I but Jean controlled the disposition of the house. She sold it to her son for next to nothing, so that is what we each got - nothing. My father didn't have to leave us anything but he had been proud of being a home owner and always told us that someday the house would be ours.

Eventually Jean died too. Before her bones could cool off, my sisters and I moved my father's grave next to my mother's and had new headstones made. Karma!