I Don't Understand People

[Dawn309]

I need a place to vent. I just don't get some family members. After we let family know what the doctor had said about Chuck dying, his little brother has been trying every way he can to get down to Chuck's garage. He wants to "go ahead and get what tools and machinery he wants". At first he was just saying he would go down there with Chuck and pick out what he wanted. When Chuck did not jump up and take him there, he then volunteered to go there by himself and get what he wanted since Chuck was not in the best of health. He only brought that up 4 times a week ago. Chuck again put him off. Tonight he called and said he wanted to come tomorrow and go down to the garage to get what tools and equipment he wanted. Tonight, Chuck told him he was not dead yet and nothing was leaving the garage until he was. At that point, his brother got angry and told Chuck he just thought that was what he figured Chuck would want to do. He then called back to apologize and tell Chuck he didn't want anything from him. It was like he was trying to make Chuck feel bad. He has been making Chuck feel like "he isn't even dead yet and his bones are being picked clean", his words.

Our oldest daughter has been pitching a hissy fit about our wills. We have the standard everything to the surviving spouse and then to the children equally when we are both gone. We have a small farm and there is no way I can keep it up by myself when he is gone. Since Chuck got so sick a year ago, we have been paying a couple of friends to help out a few hours everyday. I will not be able to continue that, financially, when Chuck passes. Several years ago, we moved my Mom out here to make sure she was looked after if she needed help. Our two other daughters understand and have no problem with me selling out and hitting the road with their Grandma. They think it's a good idea if that is what I want to do. They all have families and lives of their own. They have no interest in working on the farm. The oldest thinks if I sell, she should get her part of any proceeds right then. Her statement is that after Daddy dies, there is nothing to prevent me from changing my will and she wants what she thinks she is entitled to. She said she and her family had lived out here for about 10 years and they had helped out during that time. By helping, they kept their own lawn mowed and helped with vaccinations once a year. During that time, we "loaned them" between $60,000-$70,000. We will never see any of that back as it is never convenient to pay us. They have too many other bills that have to come first. They never paid any rent during the time they lived out here and we paid to replace any appliances they had go out. We also gave them 2 pickup trucks because they could not afford to buy for themselves. I got really angry and told her they had been very well paid for any help they had given us. She is also mad because she is not the executor of our wills. As the oldest, she feels she should be. The middle daughter is as she has a really good business head on her shoulders. This blowup took place last Monday night and she has not called her Daddy or come to see him since then. Until the doctor told him he was dying, she had completely cut us out of her life because her Daddy had refused to give her another car a few months ago. She is 42 years old with grown children of her own. She knew all the help we gave them was because we could not stand by and watch her kids do without and suffer because their parents were irresponsible. She moved away from here when her kids were ready to graduate from high school. Since then, we have not been paying any of their bills. If their utilities were cut off, they had to figure it out.

Chuck is so hurt right now. I just don't understand how his brother and our daughter can treat him so badly when he needs them. Chuck has always been the kind of person who wants to help make life better for the people he loves, beit friend or family. Sorry for the long rant. Just had to get this off my chest and don't want to make Chuck any more upset than he already is. Thanks for listening.

[Birdie]

Dawn, I am so sorry that all of those things are happening right now when you need hugs, love and understanding. You know the old saying that ends 'you can't pick your family' (you can your nose and your friends). That is so true. At this time it is also hard to let all this stuff roll off and out the door. But, try to do that. It will make you feel better to not let the bad actions become bitterness. Unfortunately, times like this cause some family members to put on a show. You expect them to be better, but people don't normally change.

Pray for a miracle, that they will extend to you a hand in sympathy, love, and understanding, rather than for a hand out. Focus on Chuck and his and your needs at this time. Know that I'll be praying for you to have the strength to get thru this very difficult time. We are here if you need to vent. Blessing to you.

[jthistle]

Hi Dawn,

I am really sorry to hear about the trouble you are having right now. I was a caregiver for 10 years and have seen many people struggle with this very same type of situation. I once single-handedly, got a man that had been estranged from his mother for over 10 years, come and make peace with her and be with her when she passed. I can't say that I know the answer because all families handle this differently. I just know that the vultures do come out when they get wind that end of life is nearing.

The fact of the matter is that you are Chuck's wife, and if you have wills in place stating that you get everything, that will be. Children are not usually eligible to receive anything unless stated in the will that they will prior to your passing. You are safe there. This doesn't mean that your daughter can't take you to court to get her part early, which I doubt she would even be able to prove that she deserves. AND she probably couldn't afford to hire an attorney anyway, right?

So that comes to the part about you selling the farm and going on the road. Do it! That is an awesome idea and you are free to choose that for yourself. If you do sell though, you may have continued pressure from you daughter for cash. I personally would consider talking to your accountant and attorney regarding gifting her "her part" if she even deserves it at that time and drawing up a new will that states that she has received "her part" and is not entitled to anymore when you pass. There may be tax benefits for you to gift that money and then there would be less to fight about later. There is no law that says you have to give anything to her when you pass especially if you already provided her "her inheritance". Just a thought.

Right now, you should be able to spend your time with Chuck, without worries, sharing whatever time you have left. Try to do that as much as possible and tell the family to get lost if they have ulterior motives. If Chuck hasn't listed his brother in the will to receive tools-he isn't entitled to them. You will own them and frankly a woman needs tools too. Chuck needs positive environment and this sounds toxic. If Chuck wants to give his brother his tools that should be in Chuck's time. Right now, that is probably the last thing that he is worried about. Shame on his brother for that! Your daughter should be spending time loving her father instead of looking out for what she can get and shame on her for that too. Unfortunately, we can't control how shameful other people are but we can cover our butt's legally. Make sure all of your i's are dotted and t's are crossed on your paperwork......

Then, spend the rest of your time loving every minute that you have left with your husband because in the end, that is all that really matters. Oh and you will be exhausted and emotional but that won't matter. The love you share and those final moments will.

Jessica

[Bethers]

Dawn, I'm so sorry that you're having trouble with family. Have seen that way too often, and it just stinks. That said, keep your chin up and remember - nothing, and I mean NOTHING is what ANY of them are entitled to. And, as for your daughter, I'd tell her if she keeps up this attitude she won't get anything at all - she should be thinking about what she can do to help you - not what she might or might not get out of it.

I remember my mother being so upset that she might use all her money and be a burden on us. I told her, she could be a burden on me anytime. She spent all those years raising me, and doing what needed to be done for me, and helping me time and time again - that it was past my turn to do for her. So I told her to spend every penny she had, and enjoy herself doing it. Unfortunately, her health took a turn before she could try to do that - and all the money went to medical bills - too bad it wasn't spent sooner and Medicare could have kicked in sooner.

OK, long-winded there - but you worry about you and Chuck. And I wouldn't have any problem if I were you saying to both these people exactly how you feel. Maybe you will knock some sense into their heads. If not, then maybe you'll keep them away and shut them up.

Big hugs.

[BarbaraRose]

Dawn, I am so sorry to hear about the drama going on with your family. You and Chuck certainly deserve better than that.

Maybe if you itemized everything on paper that you have provided for your daughter and her husband over the years and gave it to her, she might rethink her demand for "her share". However, you probably would be better off just letting it all go for now, so you can keep your nerves calm and be in a better position emotionally to spend with your husband right now. Just do what is best for the two of you. The others will do what they want and may or may not have regrets later, but that is up each of them.

I used to resent my brothers for not helping me out with my mom (financially, emotionally, physically, etc) when she was ill. I did everything for her. Now I am glad I did that, since I have no regrets, but I am sure they do. But that is their problem, not mine. (One of my mom's nurses told me to just take care of my mom with love, not resentment, and it made such a difference in how I felt after that.)

Hang in there, and feel free to vent on here if you need to. You are going thru a very difficult time and a lot of the gals on here have been thru the same thing, so they all understand.

[Travelinana]

Can't add anything to the above..just know we all have your back. If possible, you might get into a support group. This is so common and unfortunately we humans have many failings. I will keep you and Chuck in my prayers.

[HorizonSeeker]

Dawn, welcome to the real world. I know that sounds cold, but when I was in your shoes I had much the same experiences. And when my husband who was a gunsmith and who had a large gun collection was dying, seems all the vultures circled. Every time he gave away a gun his ex wife would get all out of shape because she thought he should be leaving it all to her son. Really? Doesn't the fact that he was getting pleasure from seeing how grateful his recipients were mean anything?

There is NO WAY to make some people happy so I focused on making my dh happy and made no apologies when that interferred with anyone else's happiness. If you know the country song "Find Out Who Your Friends Are" you are now in a time when you really understand those lyrics. I am sorry that you or anyone else has to go through this especially with your own children. Been there and it is rough at any time but more so at this time. Keep your head up, your heart and conscious clear, and smile nicely when you say "screw you, my husband is dying and I intend to make the rest of his days the best for him even if you never speak to me again." It was kind of my mantra and it really worked. Good luck to you. I will send positive energy your way

[Nasoosie]

Keep your head up, your heart and conscious clear, and smile nicely when you say "screw you, my husband is dying and I intend to make the rest of his days the best for him even if you never speak to me again." It was kind of my mantra and it really worked. Good luck to you. I will send positive energy your way

Dawn, so sorry you are going through all this crap when you and your husband are trying to make the most of the time you have left. What on earth posseses people to act like vultures anyway.

But Horizon-seeker's quote above is perfect in my mind, and I love it! Especially if you can find the strength to say it and mean it!

Sending strenth and peace your way for you and Chuck, and don't forget we are here to listen to whatever you wish to share.

[retiredhappy]

Dawn, I'm so sorry you're going thru this with your family right now.

As for your daughter, some people are just greedy and there's nothing you can do to change it. Just because she's your child DOESN'T mean she entitled to anything. Get yourself that bumper stick that says, "I'm spending my childrens' inheritance" and take care of yourself. I'd also tell her that if she continues you'll make a new will leaving her $1.00 and nothing more. Remind her that she's already been given her "inheritance" with all the money you gave her.

Sell your farm and hit the road with your mother and enjoy life. You're entitled. Most of all take care of yourself and your hubby.

[Sandersmr]

A "friend" of my dad's came to my mom the day after my dad died and offered to "help" her out by taking a gun that he had sold my dad almost 40 years before at the price my dad paid for it. Um, no. They then got really nasty to my mom. I was ready to throw them out of the house but didn't want to make even more of a scene.

It's amazing how people react. I know that my mom promised me the house because of all the time I spent with them when Daddy was so sick. And my sister is ok with that. But Mom moved and my sister helped pay for the new house so I won't have a house clear in my name. Does that bother me? Not really because the house isn't mine... just the promise of the house. If my mom leaves us something, fine. If not, it wasn't our money to begin with - it's theirs. They are the ones who worked for it.

Why do people think they are entitled to an inheritance and get upset if Mom and Dad spend "their money? That just really doesn't make sense to me. I want my mom to enjoy the years she has left without worrying about any sort of issues regarding "my inheritance".

Hugs to you - concentrate on your husband and tell the rest to go suck eggs!!!

[Dawn309]

Thanks everyone for the good advice. I had to laugh at Horizon and that felt good. Chuck was having a bad, restless night last night and I was feeling very anxious.

Our daughter is going to have a fit when she finds out her Daddy has already given his 4Runner and bass boat to his friend of 40 years. The other daughters already know, but no one is telling the oldest. Too bad for her. She has the same pants to get over it in. I am not above telling her to not come around. When he was in intensive care a year ago, I told her not to come to the hospital because she got him upset and agitated him every time she came. I kept her up with phone calls until he was strong enough to deal with her. She likes to put on a show for other people about how much she loves her Daddy in a loud voice. All the girls were there one day and I left to take a shower. She called me before I could get home to say the nurses had kicked them out. She tried to tell me I had been included in that. Of course that was not true. Just her. The nurses had no problem with anyone but her. Too loud and bossy. To be honest, she is one of the reasons I am looking forward to getting on the road if Chuck passes. I don't want to have to deal with her. I love her, but I don't have to like her ways. I keep hoping she will grow up, but I don't think it will ever happen. The other two girls are more like Chuck and me, more laid back.

Still venting. LOL. I hope I can tell you one day this has all changed. Not holding my breath. My job is to keep Chuck going as long as possible. Anyone with a different agenda can just go jump in the creek. I'll even open the gate for them. They'd better watch out for the snakes down there. LOL.

[JudyJB]

You don't need any more stress, but your husband's and will was set up giving you all the money after your husband's death for some very good reasons. You do not know how much money you will need to take care of you when you get elderly. You also do not know how your circumstances will change. It would be nice if there will be some money left over for children, but you would not know how much that might be until after you are gone!

So your children should not expect a penny until after your death. Wanting "their share" right now is unreasonable and selfish, so you need to be strong and say "No," no matter what kind of a fuss your daughter puts up. Remember that you may well need every penny yourself so you won't have to be a bother to anyone else, especially those children who are not selfish and who may end up caring for you.

Hope this goes OK for you. Maybe the other children can talk sense to this daughter. Surely, they can't like her behavior. If she does not change her behavior, you will have to ask her to stay away for a while so as not to upset your husband.

[Dawn309]

Judy,

Middle daughter and oldest daughter are having words about all this, unfortunately. Middle and youngest are saying same things everyone here has been saying. Oldest is angry with the middle girl. Youngest is trying to stay out of the line of fire, LOL. She has driven in from Alabama with her son and staying with the oldest since she lives the closest to us in next town over. Not staying here to give Chuck quiet time each day. Grandson can get rowdy like all boys.

Am in a better frame of mind in the light of day. It's all going to work out. Chuck's Pulseox is back up now and our day is underway. He was teasing me a few minutes ago so I think he has decided to just ignore them too.

Everyone have a wonderful day.

[WickedLady]

There is no understanding a greedy leach and there is no changing them.
Do what is best for you. Kids have no RIGHT to your money.
When my dad died his insurance was split equally between mom and us three grown kids. The three of us each signed our share over to mom as it was the right thing to do.

[ohlucy05]

I don't post very often ( I am still dreaming of my RV...it is coming just don't know when..) I agree with all who posted here but I want to add a thought.

My mom got very ill and wished to live and die in her house so we did...(we paid all the bills and provided nursing care) - my husband endured being called a moucher- people did not know all the details. But I saw my mom happy and my mom sneaking into my young children talking about their day...(she loved them) and memories of us all as a family. And my husband loved her too and took care of her.

Mom died. I also saw my sister load a cattle trailer taking out loads of furniture and car..it was all stuff...I had the happy memories and love and so do my boys. Do I care? Not really - stuff is stuff but love and memories trump all. Plus I got what I really wanted before the vultures came.Take care of your and your love.

As for the vultures, tell them to back off and I agree -rewrite the will with a $1.00 inheritance ...enjoy the time that you have with your love. And live your life. That is hard but take care of you and Chuck. Prayers and hugs to both. Also go to your sensible children to help you.

Ohlucy05 (Pam)