Closure ...
Posted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 10:34 amAppropriately posted from the Lunatic Fringe coffee shop in Holladay Utah:
A few weeks ago, I wrote a post about the nature of forgiveness and pondered whether I should visit my stepson Ben, who is on likely lifelong commitment at the state mental hospital for killing his father (my sweet DH).
When I got home, my BIL told me the state had granted Ben permission to plant a tree in honor of his father on the state hospital grounds, and asked if I wanted to go to the planting ceremony. I did. Well, It was yesterday, and when Ben saw me he came over and wrapped me in his arms and we just held each other for the longest time. He looked good (read: not like a lunatic) and seemed quite lucid. We expressed our love for one another.
The whole family was there, plus a couple of Ben's lifelong friends. After the tree-planting we gathered in a little park at the hospital, passed pictures of Jim around and told stories. One picture brought up tears, and I got up quietly and walked away, onto a pier over a little pond. I stood there and cried, and then I was filled with this calmness. Jim was there with me.
I'm really glad I went. I was told once that the most intense relationships we have are with those from whom we are estranged. Each time I had seen Ben in the past, there was always a court proceeding involved ... which shoved in my face why we were there. This time there also was the same context, but rather than being punishment-focused, we were remembering Jim and helping Ben cope with what HE had done. I know great healing occurred for me ... I hope it did for him as well.
A few weeks ago, I wrote a post about the nature of forgiveness and pondered whether I should visit my stepson Ben, who is on likely lifelong commitment at the state mental hospital for killing his father (my sweet DH).
When I got home, my BIL told me the state had granted Ben permission to plant a tree in honor of his father on the state hospital grounds, and asked if I wanted to go to the planting ceremony. I did. Well, It was yesterday, and when Ben saw me he came over and wrapped me in his arms and we just held each other for the longest time. He looked good (read: not like a lunatic) and seemed quite lucid. We expressed our love for one another.
The whole family was there, plus a couple of Ben's lifelong friends. After the tree-planting we gathered in a little park at the hospital, passed pictures of Jim around and told stories. One picture brought up tears, and I got up quietly and walked away, onto a pier over a little pond. I stood there and cried, and then I was filled with this calmness. Jim was there with me.
I'm really glad I went. I was told once that the most intense relationships we have are with those from whom we are estranged. Each time I had seen Ben in the past, there was always a court proceeding involved ... which shoved in my face why we were there. This time there also was the same context, but rather than being punishment-focused, we were remembering Jim and helping Ben cope with what HE had done. I know great healing occurred for me ... I hope it did for him as well.
