I Need Some Advice. What Would You Do?

[monik7]

I've had a fairly rocky couple years in my relationship with my daughter. No matter how careful I am to try not to do anything that will upset her, it seems in her mind I fail. I have also always tried to be the best mother-in-law possible. My daughter and I had a run-in this summer when she accused me of not giving my grandson enough presents for Christmas last year as compared with his 2 sisters. I explained I spent the same dollar amount on each but he had asked for a more expensive gift than his sisters, so they got a few more in number than he did. I explained I would never purposefully hurt my grandson and thought I was being fair by spending the same on all three. If I had given him more gifts, I would have spent more on him and that wouldn't be fair to his sisters. It's a no-win situation. I never taught her such bad manners as to complain about gifts given. So that's the kind of relationship we have.

Most recently, she agreed to take care of my cat while I went to Maui for a week. When I went to their house to pick my cat up, only my SIL was there. I went upstairs to get her. I put all her supplies together to take to the car first. I noticed the water bowl was completely dry. As I came down the stairs I asked if anyone had given her water. He said my daughter went upstairs every morning. Then I said the bowl was "bone dry." I didn't raise my voice or add anything to indicate I might be upset. My SIL began to yell at me saying what I was saying was offensive. I asked him to stop yelling at me and he yelled the same thing again. I have never spoken to my daughter or SIL that way. I just gathered everything and my cat and left. I tried to talk to my daughter about what happened and she said she would not get involved. She never did apologize for not giving my cat more water.

I'm devastated and hurt by her accusation about the Christmas presents, the fact that she apparently condones her husband yelling at her mother, and my SIL's verbal abuse. Later he texted an apology. I texted back that I accepted his apology, but the more I think about it, I wish I hadn't. I don't know what to do now. I want to see my 3 grandchildren, but I want nothing to do with my daughter and SIL. Do I have to just accept being unfairly accused and verbally abused so I can see my grandkids? This is not how I envisioned my later years. The best thing for my own health would be to just not have any contact with them - but then there are still the grandkids. I sure would appreciate hearing what some of you think and what you would do in the same situation.
Sandi

[Azusateach]

Whew!

Wow, Sandi. I feel for you. What a tough place to be!

I don't want to appear to know what to do, because I think every situation is unique. As I read through your post I think you've answered your own question. My advice is to follow your gut. Not your heart, necessarily. And remember that nothing is etched in stone.

It's unfortunate that your DD and SIL are acting so hurtful toward you, but there's nothing you can do about that. And equally unfortunate is the fact that your grands are connected to them.

If you get to the point that you're having no contact with any of them, maybe set up some sort of account for each of the kids and put whatever you'd spend on them in it. When they turn 18 you can give it to them then.

My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry that the adult kids are being so self-centered.

Laura

[Acadianmom]

I think we can see where your daughter's behavior comes from. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this and feel for you. It's a shame they would punish you and your grandkids for their bad behavior.

This is gross but if your cat had access to a bathroom she had water. My DH never puts the lid down and a couple of our cats seem to prefer the toilet. I keep a big bowl of water in the kitchen and a big mixing bowl of water in one of the bath tubs we don't use. If you go on another trip I sure wouldn't ask them to keep your cat again. I would be afraid of what they might do to her.

If you happen to be exchanging gifts this Christmas I would give the kids money and see if she can find fault with that.

Martha

[mitch5252]

..
Seeing as I don't have kids, my reaction would be to tell the adults to kiss my a$$. I certainly don't want or need or have people in my life who create such angst. But they're you're offspring...that's a decision only you can make.

Is it possible to take the grandkids on day outings or weekend camping trips and not have to deal with the parents? That could be a workable solution...

And I like the idea of gift time - one check, same amount, each kid. Then your daughter can't bitch. The parents are ultimately going to make their children pay the price by making contact with their grandmother uncomfortable or even non-existent. Just plain stupid.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this.

[chalet05]

Sandi, I feel for you! I went through a situation with one of my daughters. I have no answers. Unfortunately, when they get something in their head, there isn't much you can do but wait it out and hope they wise up. Both my girls have put me on the back burner so often that I would just not bother with them if it weren't for the grandchildren.

None of us ever think this is where we will end up. I just spent time with cousins and some of their families who all get along and have so much fun. What a blessing it was to be included because that is the family I always wanted.

Enjoy whatever time you can with the grandchildren! Sending you a big hug!

[linann]

It is so sad your DD and SIL are being so rude and immature. It is possible your SIL went on the offensive because he knew they should have paid more attention to caring for your cat. I definitely would not leave a pet with them again.

It's obvious you love your grandchildren and would miss seeing them. One way to avoid conflict would be to schedule alone time with your grandchildren, as Mitch suggested. Your daughter might agree for you to take the children for a couple of hours, especially if she thought you were doing it to give her a break.

[VickieP]

My first reaction/thought when reading how your SIL jumped on you, was that if this is how he talks to his wife, then that could explain why she lashes out at you. Sometimes when a person is in this type of situation, they in turn strike out at someone close to them. He may even be behind the Christmas gift thing. Sometimes abusive people try to cause problems in order to put distance between the spouse & people who care about them. I'm in no way excusing her behavior & don't know if her behavior goes back before her relationship with her husband, but that's just my thoughts. I say just do whatever you are able to do to let your grand kids know that you love them & are there for them, without saying anything against the parents. That way if they need something, are in fear or need to talk to someone, then you are there.

[BarbaraRose]

It seems there are several on here who are having difficult relationships with their adult children. I feel very bad for each of you. It shouldn't be that way. I have a girlfriend in Florida who has been dealing with almost the same situation as Sandi. She feels so hurt and confused and has done nothing to deserve that mistreatment. Even tho my parents and upbringing were far from perfect, I still would never treat my parents with such disrespect. Some people who know my family's background, wonder why I am doing so much for my dad, but he is still my dad and that is why I do this, and I do it with love, kindness and respect, not out of obligation, anger or resentment.

As for advice, I guess you just keep in contact with the grandkids as much as possible and stay away from the adults as much as possible. Tough thing to do, but you need to be sure the grandkids know you want to be a part of their lives in spite of what their parents say or do.

Sometimes you just can't win for losing with certain people... I feel for you

[Bethers]

Having no children, I can't really give advice. But I can give you support. I would think, though, that if there is anyway for you to have time with just the grands (day visits, for example) or even just phone calls - so they know you are in their life, while not having to spend time with their parents - until and unless they initiate it and seriously want to work things out between you adults. If contact becomes too limited - send cards or even frequent post cards to the grandkids. Hopefully they won't be so hateful as to not give them to them!

I hate to see this happen and know you are hurting so badly - wish I could help.

[mtngal]

Sorry to see this Sandi! The only thing I would add is too give it some time. Sounds like things might be kinda rocky there; maybe they are going through a hard time; so impossible to know. But I bet the kids are going to want to see their Grandma sooner rather than later!

[Aokay]

Sandi,

Mother/Daughter relationships can be very fragile. The SIL will most generally take his wife's side so even if he doesn't necessarily agree with his wife, he will stand beside her for fear of retribution and therefore you are always going to be outnumbered. By the same token, your daughter is going to stand by her husband when he yelled at you, even if she knew it was wrong.
Even though he apologized to you, she can't bring it upon herself to do the same and admit she may have made a mistake.

I have four daughters (and a son who is a no brainer). But, OH those daughters! I get along great with 3 of the 4 but one has always conjured up some type of grievance against me just for the sake of having a grievance against me. I have learned to say..."It is what it is" and move on. If our adult children still act like inconsiderate children, then they should be treated like inconsiderate children. The grandchildren are a separate entity, however, and should be treated with love and respect, regardless of what their parents do. If you want to have a relationship with your grandchildren, you have to work at it because you can rest assured the parents, if they are mad at you, will not make an effort for you to see your grandchildren. Then if you don't see them, they will blame you and say you are at fault and aren't interested in them.

The longer time passes and you have no connection to the grandchildren, the more apt you will end up being estranged as unfortunately they have the upper hand and control of the situation. The SIL did apologize so I think I would accept that and try to let this incident pass. Your daughter is offended and if you are waiting for an apology from her, you most likely will never hear it.

I tend to think things are not going so well on the homefront if they use a small incident such as this to lash out at you. Asking your daughter for an apology will probably make the situation worse. In the end, only you can decide what is best for you and your situation.

Wishing you the best of luck in resolving this situation.

Judy

[IrishIroamed]

I do not have children, but it's sounds like the parents are just bullying you and are toxic. Do what you feel is right for the kids. They need a good role model to look up to, and if they get to the point of prohibiting your contact with the children, more grandparents are going to court for visitation. I hope it doesn't come to that.

My thoughts are with you.

[retiredhappy]

Sandi, I really feel for you. I have a toxic relationship with one of my granddaughters. In her eyes I can never do anything right and she finds fault with anything I say so I basically don't have any contact with her. As for your grandkids, I agree with the others - try to have separate time with them if at all possible. Life is way too short to put up with rude, nasty people even if they are related to you.

[Pooker]

People we love are the folks who can cut us to the bone. I sometimes think just about every family is a dysfunctional family. If only we could fall back on the politeness rules of past times where there was a set reply to rudeness. Or the southern way of "Bless her heart" when someone offends. Most of us have had hurtful things thrown at us from our kids. We expect when they grow up they will outgrow wanting to hurt us, but their memories are long and not always true. Old grudges simmer in the background until something makes them boil over.

Think long and hard before you cut off your nose to spite your face. You can distance yourself from being hurt without completely severing all contact. Don't rise to the bait. Be extremely polite. Hard to have a fight with someone who won't fight back. Try to have visits with the grandkids if you can. If not, most kids today have computers, etc., so I'd suggest emailing them on a regular basis. Friendly chats with Gramma. They may be one-sided chats at first, but perhaps in time your grandkids will want a closer relationship with you.

I am very grateful for the early years I had with one of my granddaughters. We had a special bond. I babysat her often. Every holiday was family gathering time. After her parents divorced, I didn't see her very much since she was with her mother. And then the mother (I believe) made up an untrue story that caused a family rift. The only contact I have now is once or twice a year when I visit for Christmas or her birthday. I e-mail her now and then, but she has never answered me. It is what it is.

Tell yourself you won't put up with this stuff. Whatever your daughter's reasons for acting the way she does, should not make you have to put up with verbal abuse. She is an adult and it's no longer your responsibility to save her, or teach her, or be her punching bag.

Pooker

[havingfunnow]

I have no advice, only sympathy. I think having a separate relationship with the grandchildren as much as possible is the way to go.

I do have something to say about people who hurt you, based on my own experience. My parents were out-and-out abusive, and I still suffer from the damage they did. Fortunately, they are now dead and my only contact with my brother is via my lawyer. I can't express the enormous relief I feel or how much my life has improved.

I don't know if severing contact with your daughter would bring so much relief that it would be worth giving up frequent contact with your grandchildren.You are the only one who can decide that. Whatever you choose, you have my support!