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I'm starting to have second thoughts about leaving my parents, since they still live home. Even though they have nurses that go to their house every day, eight hours a day, they are so dependent on others, I wonder if I should send Steve & Teddy to Florida and I stay behind. I don't think it's fair for Steve to stay here, when I can take care of myself plus take care of my parents. It'll probably be only another ten years or so before we can relax and go together. Please help me.

Irmi, I am very opinionated about this, and I may be in the minority. For one thing, my mother died in her 50s so I was never faced with this. My dad lived until his 80s but chose his own way of life. I have always told my children I do not expect them to give up their lives to take care of me.

That said, what if something were to happen to Steve in the next few months and you didn't get that time to relax and go together? Life is unpredictable.

Hugs to you as you face this dilemma because I know you are torn.

On edit: I wasn't totally selfish and did help when my mother fought 11 months of cancer, but it meant she was at our house or I was only out of town short periods of time and took our daughters with me.

Irmi, my heart goes out to you now. But what I might do based on my feelings and beliefs is probably different from what you may decide. You need to decide and do what works best for you AND Steve and he needs to be on the same page with whatever decision is made. And you need to be able to live with you decision ...

My mother's decline happened and I helped as I could, but I also moved out-of-state several months later (which was in the works before her decline) and doing so was heartwrenching but the right thing for me at the time. I was on a call list with her care givers and went down whenever they thought things we nearing the end. Both my sister and I were contacted and able to be with her at the end - but this went on 4 years and neither of us could have been there all the time. Of course, we were both working still then, also.

Big hugs to you while you work this through. And I know all the ladies on the forum (no matter what THEY might do individually) will support you in whatever you decide is best for you. I do want you to think carefully about what Anita said though. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow, let alone all of today - so remember, while you know your parents have these problems, you don't know whether it might be you or Steve who have something happen first.

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That is one tough decision on your plate, and I feel your pain.
Hugs to you as you think it all through.
You'll come to the right decision.
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((((Hugs)))) to you both, Irmi. You really do need to search out the answer that works for you and your family. This is one of those "routes" that doesn't come with a map and you can't borrow the maps from anyone else. There are so few things that are promised to us.

Do think about what Anita shared. I was not as close to my step mother as you are with your parents but I was all the primary family support that she had. She was 90, in stable condition, very frail but also very protective of her independence and living in Assisted Living when I headed off to Alaska last year. She kept telling me that she would miss me but she was also excited to follow me from one destination to another and had asked for a map of Canada and Alaska so that she could mark the cities. She had loved to travel and knew that I had not had the opportunities to travel that she had had.

She became ill and passed quickly in July in the middle of last summer and the Alaska trip, but she could have also remained fragile and stable for another 10 years.

Aw Irmi... This is a tough one... As the others have said, you & Steve must decide what is best for you all.
All I can offer is prayers for wisdom... Do what you think is best & know that you have a support system of friends here to back your decision.

{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}

Everyone is different along with their situation, do what feels best in your heart. Saying prayers that all works to the best of everyone involved.

My prayers are with you as you struggle with this decision. For wisdom, and for peace of mind, whatever you decide. Do take care of yourself, and don't let feelings of responsibility or guilt weigh you down....it won't do you or your parents any good. Remember, even in Florida, you are only a few hours away by plane if the need arises to get back there quickly or just to visit mid-winter.

We, your friends here, will support you, whatever you decide is best for you. (((Hugs)))

Sweet Irmi---"ditto" what Liz says....

Caring for elderly parents is such a personal decision. My sister and I moved in together in order to move our parents here and care for them when their health declined. We were fortunate to have the resources to make it work well for us. I know our parents were happier and safer and we were less worried than when they were hours away. Looking back, it was precious time that was much shorter than anticipated. What worked for our family may not be an option for others. Irmi, my heart goes out to you as you struggle through this decision. We will all support you as you and Steve decide what is best for your family, now and in the future.

Irmi wrote:I'm starting to have second thoughts about leaving my parents, since they still live home. Even though they have nurses that go to their house every day, eight hours a day, they are so dependent on others, I wonder if I should send Steve & Teddy to Florida and I stay behind. I don't think it's fair for Steve to stay here, when I can take care of myself plus take care of my parents. It'll probably be only another ten years or so before we can relax and go together. Please help me.

Irmi....you are one of the most caring, giving, loving people I know...Your heart is as big as the whole outside...and you are doing your duty as a daughter very well....BUT, you are also a wife, friend and lover to that guy you married. Going on what Anita said, life is not a guarantee....alot can happen in 10 years.....things can happen with a drop of a hat....That said, you need your "winter break"....time for you to relax, re-group, refresh, and take care of Irmi & Steve....Your family there know that you 2 go south in the winter, it's time for them to step up and give you what you need......We have been in your shoes not too long ago, and know what you are going thru....and are at peace with what we decided together...

That said, it is Steve and your decision only...and as been said, we will support what ever you decide....I know it is hard, but you got to do what is best for you both....

Hugs and much love,
Lori and Ernie

Once again the love and support of this group comes shining through. So much thoughtful and wise advice and encouragement, here. You'll do the right thing, Irmi.
You and yours are in my thoughts.

Nikki

Irmi, I am so sorry you have this to get through. Think most of us at some time have had to deal with a situation much like yours. One thing I noticed no one mentioned was how would your folks feel if you stayed with them and let your husband go off for the winter as everyone knows you do ??? When my mother was bedridden for a time, she HATED that I was the one caring for her. When she thought I was unable to do things I wanted, she was very upset. If my husband continued on with plans we had and I had stayed to care for her, my Mom would have been really upset. So another thought to your decision.

Don't you have other family members that could pitch in and be there for them, for the short time that you all are in Fl? Last yr. the flooding detained you, this year you have a hard decision to make. As has been said you and Steve have to make the decision and you have plenty of support here from all of us, whatever that decision is. It does seem to me though that you have done more then your share and now its time for you to rest and have a wee bit of fun with your husband, while the others pitch in.

My two cents worth, sorry can't make the final decision, but you will be in my prayers for wisdom and the right choice made for all.

CArol

All good advice and I certainly can't add to it. I did have to make a decision as to whether to do my trip this year because of my daughters health. She insisted that I go, that she would feel awful to be be the reason I stayed home. You need to do what works for you and your husband.