A Women's RV Forum run by Women RVer's!

Even though the email I referred to in my blog post today isn't from an RV Women member, I think there are a lot of women who let their dreams be squashed before even giving them half a chance. It's women like those here that continue to give me hope and renewed inspiration!

Happy trails, ladies!
Malia

http://www.maliasmiles.com/blog/too-depressed-to-rv/

Excellent post. Unfortunately that woman proves the self fulfilling prophecy. We each, ultimately, decide what we can do. I elect to do more than most think is possible on a limited budget and income, and smile while doing it. Like you I sometimes find myself wondering if I can continue, or afford to continue. Then I kick myself in the behind and ask myself if I can afford not to. The first afford talks money. The second talks my emotional well being. The second wins out every time, thanks goodness. And with it, the rest falls into place.

Malia and Beth, women like you are who convinced me, I too could do this. Back in March, a year ago, there was a woman who pulled into the site next to Chuck and me all alone. She was pulling a TT. I had always dreamed of fulltiming, but that dream always included Chuck. By March, we knew that camping trip would be his last. He was just too weak. He drew on what strength he had to go camping one more time because he knew how important it was to me. We knew he was dying. Writing this is bringing tears to my eyes with the memory of that trip. My friend, Bev and I sat at our site and watched that woman. She was handling everything herself. I started to think I might be able to do it too by myself. Bev reminded me I had been doing everything for the last couple of years because Chuck was just not able to help anymore. In April, Chuck was put on Hospice and we knew the end was near. He began to help me figure out how to live my dream. I would not be here, doing what I love without that woman and him. I have my days when it feels overwhelming, but then the sun comes out and I know it is right for me.

Thank you, ladies!

It is hard to tell if the women in the post had serious clinical depression or a bad case of no sense of self or self confidence. I agree that all the women on this forum, especially the full timers, have found within themselves what it takes to go against the norm and live the way they want. It is that very "spirit" that links us as sisters. And that spirit of "can do" can be shared here and supported on the forum for others to assimilate as well. Thank you ladies for creating this wonderful support network.

I think a lot of us are trained in childhood that we need help in doing things. That help might be a father or a husband or someone else, but we end up accepting help as we grow up and get used to having it. Then when something like a divorce or a death happens, we end up finding out (if we are lucky) by trying things that we CAN do them. We have been trained to be helpless and fearful until we actually try things ourselves.

I can remember when I was newly divorced and had two kids to raise that I thought to myself that I could sit on the couch for the rest of my life and feel sorry for myself or get out there and do something. I decided to do things, even though it was not always easy. For example, I painted two whole houses on the outside--one side at a time. I just looked at a small part and said I would paint it and then did that with another part until the whole thing was done.

I get the "brave" comment a lot. Some of my old friends call me their hero or their idol or whatever because I have the nerve to travel myself. I find some of the misconceptions really funny--like how do I handle all the hookups? Duh. I plug in a power cord and then screw in two ends of a hose. Why do some women think those (and emptying a sewage tank) are difficult, mystical tasks that only a male person can do?? I think it is because they have been led to believe that way and have just always relied on other people to do it for them.

Good blog and good discussion area.

This forum has been a great find for me and I really do appreciate the kind of dialogue and encouragement here.

Beth, I know exactly what you mean about self-fulfilling prophecies. I really liked a comment I got from a Facebook friend along those lines: "Something my mentor told me years ago: if you think you can or you think you can't, you're right." I've heard that before and love it, but her own nugget of wisdom really resonated with me: "Knowledge gives us ideas; imagination gives us wings." I really liked what you said about "how can I afford not to?" Emotional well being is the key as far as I'm concerned. But that's also why I share things about the obstacles and depression I deal with sometimes. Women I hear from seem to think I must have some magic (or at least more money and always a Pollyanna attitude). I don't, but that hasn't stopped me for long from living my dream for the past 12 years.

Dawn, Glad we could help convince you. Your story about watching the woman set up on her own was certainly a great lesson! So sorry about the death of your husband, but so glad you didn't let it stop your life! FB friend request sent so we can keep in touch there, too.

Red, first I want to say I've got to curb my green-eyed envy monster when it comes to you since you have my absolute ultimate dream RV! But I also am thankful for seeing women here who "go against the norm and live the way they want." Very inspiring and encouraging to us all!

Judy, I loved your analysis of women being trained from childhood that we must need a man's help in doing things. But your conclusion that "we have been trained to be helpless and fearful until we actually try things ourselves" is the ultimate truth. It was also funny but so true that people seem to think hooking and unhooking (either a tow or utilities) is some big huge deal that takes at lot of time and strength. Duh is right!

OK, I've gotta run now. Am going to meet my first Women RV member in person! AOkay is in town and we're gonna have dinner together.

Thanks again to you all!

Malia

I'm really enjoying this thread too. I'm so thankful to my parents for encouraging me to do things normally not expected of a girl. As a family, we built our home in the hills above Silicon Valley (although that wasn't it's name then). I became experienced in laying concrete (including building forms) and terrazzo floors in addition to masonry and carpentry. I gained so much experience that my father said I could do the final finishing of the cement better than the professionals - and that was at about 12 years old. In later years when he had an additional project where he wanted to put in concrete, he called me as his only helper. He taught me how to use all his tools including the grinder he designed and built to smooth the terrazzo. I regularly rototilled 3 acres of our orchard and assisted on carpentry projects. I stacked a ton of hay in our barn.

When I became divorced, nothing as far as what needed to be done presented a problem as far as knowing what to do. I had always participated in the financials in our marriage in addition to doing all the outside work myself. My parents taught me if you have the right tool and can read directions, you can do anything. I've found that to be so true. I even constructed a fish pond for the backyard with a pump and waterfall. Had to use a jack hammer to get through the hard ground. Came out great We as women are just as able to do traditional men's work. We may lack some physical strength that men have, but that can usually be overcome by using our heads to solve the problem. Once after painting inside my house and having had to take a very heavy memory box down that was attached to the wall, I contemplated how I was going to get it back up by myself - and having to hold it at the same time at the right height while using a drill to get the heavy screws in. With my love of history I asked myself, "How would the Egyptians have handled this." I ended using a bar stool with several pillows stacked on top so I could set the memory box on top at just the right height so it was steady while I put the screws in.

I think all this I've said is leading to the point that we can do anything we put our minds to. We need to forget that people seem to think women are incapable. We need to know we ARE capable. If we don't have experience in something we need to tackle, we have so many ways now to research. The world is ours and we shouldn't waste time thinking we can't do things. Life is too short. Sorry, I'll get off my soap box. I love and admire all you tough and go-getter sistahs!
Sandi

Ladies, I have not read the blog you have been referring to but I do feel sorry for the lady. She should have been on and reading the post on this forum. What inspiration all of you ladies have been for me. I do not have the fear of going it alone because I have been divorced for over 30 years, raised two children with no child support which meant little money, and my job has had me in situations all over the country that I had to make a decision quickly and go with it. When I pull out of the campground in June, to me it will just be a new chapter in my life. However, I have always known I could count on my children and son-in-law but I feel I can count on the ladies of this forum so how can I fail. I had parents that told me I could do anything I set my heart on

So much a part of depression is isolation. Many don't even know it until one day, like Linda, they snap out of it with some help, support and guidance. Some use it as an excuse. When I lived on a boat cruising the So Pacific I would get the, "Oh, you are soooo lucky. I wish I could, but......." (Fill in the blank). I get sea sick. I couldn't leave my job. How do you make money? My husband wants to, but I just couldn't. So many excuses. To me that means they really don't want it for themselves, they like the idea for others.

Like Judy said, many of us were brought up to ask for help or feel like we are not able to do for ourselves. For me, it was different. My dad died when I was 5. My mom was destroyed and had breakdown. My brother and I lived with her sisters in traditional families for about a year. When she was able to get it together she raised me and my brother by herself. She decided to be a stay at home mom while we were little. She never dated. was just mom. She fixed anything with a hammer, screw driver, duct tape or glue. I learned from an early age I had to be responsible for myself. I was fearless when it came to mechanical things. Took apart my bike. Couldn't figure out how to put it back together. Wanted help. She sat down and didn't tell me how to do it, but taught me the steps to problem solve. ( She was a design/mechanical engineer by education). When I was in high school and I wanted to take auto shop the school said it was for boys only. Mom marched down to the district superindentant and made such a big fuss that next semester I was in auto shop. She said I needed life skills in case I needed to take care of myself. Couldn't depend on someone to take care of me. At the same time she taught sexism. I would complain, "why doesn't my brother have to learn how to do with the laundry (or dishes or cook)?" She would say, "because he'll have a wife to do it for him." Or "why do I have to learn to type and he doesn't?" You guessed it. He'll have a secretary! She also complained about not feeling "whole", needing a man to be her other half. That confused me. I kept saying you don't need anyone to complete you. You are whole. She did re marry after both my brother and I left home.

Mom was not happy at all when my then DH and I moved onto a boat and sailed of into the wild blue yonder. I was a great sailor and could single handle the boat. I had learned celestial navigation, emergency med, survival skills, sailing, sail making, basic diesel mechanics. etc. I never once questioned my ability to do whatever I wanted. Back to my point!?! Oh yeah, what was the point?!? It has a lot to do with the paradigm with which we were raised. We live with those ingrained life's rules taught us, or we make our own. It is up to us!!!! Only us!! And with the help and encouragement of others we can achieve whatever goal we set.

Nasoosie wrote:What a great thread this has been! I love reading such wise words from strong and self-assured women who aren't afraid to try new things and set out on their own. I am gradually getting better at being less fearful, although I do know I can do anything I really wish to do. I just always still worry that something might come up that I wouldn't be able to deal with on my own.....not necessarily needing a man to help, but just another soul to share the situation with. Companionship gives me strength. And things just aren't as much fun on my own. I guess it's not that I NEED someone, but that I prefer having someone to share my life with. I love Dawn's situation with her brother----they both have their own rigs and lives, but also have each other to share life with. That seems like an ideal to me.

I agree with you on having companionship. That's the only thing I haven't been able to solve on my own. I sure wish there were more forum members in my area of California. It would make it so much nicer to travel and meet up with others. RVing is great, but doing it alone leaves a lot to be desired. Right now I only have my dogs to talk to on my trips. So far they just listen. Sure wish they could respond with more than just a sympathetic look. I too envy Dawn and her ability to travel with her brother. But, I'm not going to let anything stop me in my RVing experience. Alone or with others, I'll keep traveling!
Sandi

Nasoosie wrote:What a great thread this has been! I love reading such wise words from strong and self-assured women who aren't afraid to try new things and set out on their own. I am gradually getting better at being less fearful, although I do know I can do anything I really wish to do. I just always still worry that something might come up that I wouldn't be able to deal with on my own.....not necessarily needing a man to help, but just another soul to share the situation with. Companionship gives me strength. And things just aren't as much fun on my own. I guess it's not that I NEED someone, but that I prefer having someone to share my life with. I love Dawn's situation with her brother----they both have their own rigs and lives, but also have each other to share life with. That seems like an ideal to me.

Soos, you made me laugh. Of ALL of the people on this forum, I consider you one of the most self-sufficient people out there. Look at where you live! Look at what you did for so many winters! For this So. CA kid, nobody in their right mind would willingly stay in that kind of weather! But you did, and did it successfully. So don't let a 19' trailer get the best of you. Heck! I'm pulling a 26' TT now, and doing a darn good job of it!

Laura

This is a fascinating thread! It is so interesting to see all the different ideas of what depression is. I am convinced that one day the collection of symptoms we now call "depression" will be divided into at least three separate problems, probably with very different treatments. I'd separate them like this:

There's "situational depression" caused by conditions in the sufferer's life, such as a great loss or some devastating event. There's "illness-related depression" that is secondary to a physical illness or injury (post-operative depression, for example). Then there's pure "biological depression" where the brain just does not function. All I can say about that one is that we are fortunate to live in a time where SSRIs have been developed! These are just the categories I'd make, of course.

It's interesting that cognitive behavioral therapy and SSRIs have just about the same success rate in treating depression. I think it's because they're treating two different things that show similar symptoms. It will be great when we have proper diagnostic tools for this -- the way an fMRI can now show the physical damage of PTSD.

I think one important thing is to recognize that it is OK to be scared of doing something. Fear is normal. The difference is that you also need to overcome that fear (unless it is a very reasonable fear in a bad situation) and do things anyway.

I was very fearful of driving my motorhome when I bought it since I had never driven one before other than a couple of short test drives. I was terrified of going over bridges!! But I told myself there were a lot of women doing this and there was really nothing about driving a big rig that was sex-specific to men! So I just did it.

I also find that not having someone to talk to is sometimes difficult, but TV helps, as does this forum and just being friendly when you are out and about. On the other hand, I do not think I would want a traveling companion because I like solitude also.

I have been to the U.K. several times alone. One of the things that made me not afraid to do that was talking to several 70-80 year old women on the QE2 oceanliner on a trip with my mother. Not only were these women going to Europe on their own, some of them were doing it without reservations! One was even backpacking! If they could do it, so could I, and I did.

I think it is important for us solo women to talk to people as we travel so we can act as role models for other women, like those women on the ship did for me.