Campfire

[VickieP]

Kathleen, I'm so sorry for your pain. There really is nothing that we can say to make it any easier for you, but we are here to listen to you when you need us. You know in your heart that you did right by your kids, they are grown now, at least physically if not mentally and they have to answer to the things they say and do. It's never easy to separate yourself from the drama that some people thrive on, but you seem to have done that, at least you are trying to. Don't let them suck you back in by making you feel guilty. Time will pass and they will either move through it or be unhappy for the rest of their time, there is nothing that you can do about that, other than love them.

[Liz]

Well said, Vickie. ((((Hugs)))), Kathleen.

[MelissaD]

Not a "huggy person", but you deserve one. ((((Hugs))))

I find it interesting that, what was once called life, is now considered abuse. Seems reality has left the room.

[JudyJB]

Sorry about your children. It is amazing the strange memories people can have. My brother also blames all his alcoholism and drug abuse on the terrible childhood he had and the abuse he supposedly had from my parents. It was as if we had entirely different childhoods, and my cousins, luckily, back up my memories of caring and indulgent parents. My nephew's aunt had the same experience with her sister. She had to confirm with her two brothers what her childhood was really like.

I don't know if these strange memories are due to dreams they incorporated somehow as reality, or from some psychiatric therapy that implanted these ideas or what, but they DO happen, and it is nothing you did that caused them.

I hope you are able to focus on other family and friends and hope that someday your kids will realize their problems are not caused by you.

[grammynmaggie]

I feel for you Kathleen....((((hugs to you & Shadow))))

[Acadianmom]

I am the oldest of 4 and the different memories of the same life amaze me. I am the oldest so think I was old enough to remember what and when thing happened. My sister was the baby and she can come up with some duzzies. Her memories of things that happened when she was a baby are amazing. Most of the time I don't argue with her. My father was very distant and not involved with us but we never went hungry. We had what we needed just not all we wanted. I'm sure my boys would have felt abused if they had grown up like I did. We only had a heater in the living room and bathroom and my father ran the TV. We never had air conditioning when I was at home. For some reason he final put one in the living room but never ran it. My brother told me one time that I had a better deal than he did. I don't know how he figured that but he got over it. It's hard to deal with family because most of the time you have to put up with them unless they are too bad.

A couple of years ago the boys thought their dad shouldn't be driving. I told them they could tell him that not me. I told them they would have to pry the steering wheel out of my cold dead hands. They have since gotten busy and we don't see them often which is good.

Martha

[Bethers]

I so feel for you ((((((((((((((( Kath ))))))))))))))))). But I also know that we cannot control what others think or feel, even when we cannot fathom how they think or feel what they do. But I and so many others are here for you - to listen, and give hugs, and if we can help any other way, please speak up - I so feel for you.

[IrishIroamed]

Kathleen - I too am so sorry for what you are going thru. I agree with VickiP "You know in your heart that you did right by your kids".

(((((hugs)))))

[avalen]

big hug for you (((((((((((((Kathleen)))))))))))))))))
I think with all todays technology when the little grownups compare it with how they were raised they imagine it was abuse when they didn't have what they have now. In other words, they are confusing their own memories with what is now and what was then. I never was close with my mom as I grew up but I definitely remember a time when she just had no clue what to fix for dinner when the cabinets and fridge
were bare. There was rice, and there was a can of spaghetti sauce. In the fridge was a package of liver, at that time it was like 10 cents for the whole carton of liver. She chopped it in bite size pieces, cooked it and added it to a pot of cooked rice mixed with the spaghetti sauce.
To this day I still remember how I really did like it and I wanted a second helping but as I reached for the second helping I got stabbed in
the back of the hand with the fork. Not a nice thing to do but I don't consider it abuse, but she said I didn't ask. But thats not the point,
the point was we didn't have much and she made due with what we had and we were fed. I was disciplined and todays children confuse
discipline with abuse. You know you didn't abuse them, and distance from relatives can many times be a blessing. Be happy in your life
now and let them stew over what ever they think they have to stew about. Many hugs to you.

[JudyJB]

I remember being spanked as a child, definitely for something I deserved. (My brother strangely enough was very fearful and so never did anything he wasn't supposed to do, so almost never got spanked.) I was more adventurous and did a lot of rule breaking, like climbing big trees and getting into scraps with neighborhood kids.

To this day he claims I was beaten because I used to yell so loudly when I was spanked. The truth is that I remember yelling loudly because it made a larger effect. In other words, I was not yelling from pain of a hand on my bottom, but because I was mad and wanted to be heard! I didn't like being spanked, but nearly always realized I deserved it and never held grudges against my father for spanking me. I remember parents who cared about us and fun times with cousins and aunts and uncles!

Perceptions are funny things.

[dayspring39]

Thank you all so much... I believe our friends are most of the time closer than blood family!!

I had an awful childhood and when my nephew Keith gave the eulogy at my sisters funeral his mentioning some of the abuse confirmed that what I remembered was accurate... 1/2 hour tv a week, 1 bottle of pop a week (at times), pulling weeds out of a 3 acre field every summer and being told they would not grow back if I did it right, cleaning out the grease trap and septic tank and there was so much abuse some than I can't say...

When we divided up my mothers possessions after her funeral I turned down the turkey roasting pan... It had the impression of my head in it from where my mother hit me very hard over the head with it...

I determined that my children would not be abused ever! ha ha ha little good that did for their memory!! at least my son and Margie believe they had good childhoods...

I will mentally come away from this place and dwell on the good and positive things you ladies and others bring into my life... Because this is the best time of my life!!!

One day Beth if I get off my duff I will finish the book I am writing... it is a positive book...

Me and My Shadow!!!

[bluepinecones]

More (((((((((hugs)))))))))) Kathleen

[Bethers]

You get that book finished, Kath - I know how good your writing is.

[MelissaD]

Perspective is an interesting thing. In many ways my childhood was a fairy tale compared to what some describe, but we did get spanked. My dad took an old Basset crib side rail apart and used the vertical slats to warm our butts. Now, I can probably count the number of times I got my backside warmed on one hand. Going to bed without supper was the worse for me. Anyways, I had the bright idea that if I cut all them slats up, dad could not warm my backside. Instead my dad grabbed my mom's yard stick and broke it over my backside. Do you know how hard it is to cry and laugh at the same time? It was mom's favorite yard stick and upon hearing her favorite yard stick break over my backside she commenced to give dad a piece of her mind.

Come to think of it we got 1 soda pop on Sunday with our submarine sandwiches.
Dad would not pay for cable TV when it came out since we got the big 3 with the rabbit ears.
If we wanted money we had to earn it.

Point is for many what was called parenting and life back then is now called abuse. I'm almost dreading the pone calls I will get when the grandbaby starts school in a couple of years.

Hang in there.

[Excel]

My childhood was pretty rough too as my Mom was frail & almost blind.... we were really poor... there's a lot I wouldn't put in a book either as it would do no one any good to know those unspoken about times. However, I sometimes wonder what planet I was living on when I hear a comment about how this happened or what I did when they did one thing or another.... their stories are nothing like the truth & I see now that it's their perception of what happened & not necessarily the actual happening... My daughter told me the other day that she is continuing the tradition of leaving a heart (box) of candy on the floor by her kids bedroom doors on Valentine's, cause she said I did that.....?????? No, I didn't, but I did do Valentine's day surprises.... That evidently was her perception.... don't even want to talk about some of the other crazy things she remembers that I never did.... Some times family relationships can be really awful... that's when good friends are needed and of course a place like this where one can kind of release some of the pain & misery that we have lived through....
Wishing you peace Kathleen....