A senseless loss ...

[Excel]

Soos....thank you for sharing that part of your life. I re-lived a portion of my own life years ago while reading it. I could not have put the words out there that you did...but it reminded me of the hell I was in then...I don't know about insanity, but I do know that the inner pain was so horrible that I just couldn't even think clearly. What stopped me was thinking how my kids would react seeing me like that as they would be the ones that would likely find me & who would clean up the mess....Stupid, I know but that's what stopped me. I think there are more of us out there that get to that 'edge' than we know about....There's two sides to these tragedies and I'm sure it's hard for those left to mourn to think about it that way....Anyhow, I'm not good at words so I just want to say, I admire you for your honesty & ability to put into words how one can be led to making a painful 'decision'...sure glad you turned it around....

[Getupngo]

Soos ... what a beautiful, raw, honest story of going to the hell of despair and hopelessness -- and back. I'm so happy you found that daughter and were able to share this gift of humanity with her. As you did with us.

In the end, I suppose, suicide is a human response to a human condition. If it weren't, it wouldn't be so common. I have only tread to the edge of that particular insanity, and for that I'm grateful.

And I'm grateful to all you women, for listening and sharing your own feelings and experiences. What a beautiful group of girlfriends you are.

[VickieP]

I think there are more of us out there that get to that 'edge' than we know about....

Yep, count me in too. I think it had a lot to do with just going through a complete hysterectomy (screwed up hormones) and having problems with my husband at the time. Tried pills, kept throwing them up, tried a hose in the car window, didn't seem to be doing anything, so I just took the hose that was taped to the exhaust and laid on a blanket behind the car in the garage, I was passed out, but when I didn't show up for work, my boss came and broke open the garage enough to see my feet, he and an officer broke the garage door open (and the officer's Jaw in the process) and got me to the hospital. My husband was called and came in from working on the road (6 months at a time) and decided to bring a Birthday cake for his birthday up to the hospital when he came to see me. Divorce followed quickly after.

Edit: No, I didn't do that on his birthday. It wasn't his birthday till a week later.

[Cedar518]

Been there too..... probably 35-40 years ago ..... and yep, that husband is history now too.

men!

[snowball]

Janice
haven't felt that I've had a lot to say so many were able to
put into words what one would think and wish that they could say it
but I want to thank all of you for the personal accounts that you have
told about it helped me to understand more fully my daughter who
battles depression on and off right now think she is ok but it has
given me food for thought
Sheila

[JanetA]

((((((((((((((((((Soos)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

that baby moving inside you, causing you to rethink ending both your lives was GOD intervening.

I know calling it selfish doesn't seem correct,, but in fact it IS,, but you're right too,, It is ALSo insanity of some form. Maturity also plays a part too.. when it's kids who do it. This is a subject that could be kicked around for hours and never would come to an exact conclusion to WHY.

So we have to stop and just say....it happened and we/re sorry.

I, for one, am so glad that YOU are still here. I love your posts and you DID gain some huge ensight to what is right and wrong.

I wish that for everyone.

LOVE YOU!

Janet

[jemek]

I thought I had replied to this...must have hit the wrong button.

I am so sorry to hear about your loss and I agree with doing the services and such they way the family wants them done. The reality is the services are for those who are left behind and it is part of the grieving process.

(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

[Sparkle]

Wow Soos, they say every one has a book in them. That was a very moving post. I'm so glad it worked out for you in the end, although I'm sure you must have had even more trauma giving up your baby. But look at you now!

[Bethers]

Soos, thanks for showing a different perspective and being willing to share it. And to those of you who have also shared - that is so special - Excel, Vickie, you are all exceptional women and I'm so glad you weren't successful and are here today.

As to a service - I do not want one - if anyone wants to have a party to remember me - that is fine - but nothing at a funeral home or church. I'll be cremated and someone will be in charge of my ashes - and that's it.. When my father died, the service was the hardest thing for my family. The time after it - when people came to the house - that was ok. Yes, I realize that services are for the living, but I don't think that's how someone should spend their last moments with the person they love. Just the way I feel - and I'm probably in the minority.

[Excel]

I don't know about 'minority' but I'm with you. Cremation, no service & then have one heck of a party...Hoping those involved can focus on any good I might have done & not focus on all the mistakes I made...That's my wish.

[Getupngo]

Sheila, I just want you to know my BIL did not battle depression for his whole life ... his was situational having to do with his marriage breakup. He was an incredibly accomplished man --one of the country's foremost experts on the maltreatment of children -- and one of the best fathers I have ever seen. But he suddenly found all that he had built with his family disintegrating and his work suffering. He no longer could envision his future.

All of us who have been divorced -- or widowed! -- know what it's like to have that image or vision of what the future will (or should) be like shattered. Facing the "new normal" can be terrifying.

[Echo]

I guess I'm joining the survivors group.

I too have been there. And Soos was completely 100%, right in saying that you firmly believe that everything will be better without yourself in the mix. It's a tunnel vision thing and you see or think nothing beyond the immediate.

Janice, I am so sorry for the grief and pain that the family is going thru. No one and I mean NO one is to blame for the suicide. Least of all his kids. Even tho they will wonder the "What if's" for a very long time. I am so glad that they decided to have a Memorial Service. It will be the first step on the long road to healing.

[Nasoosie]

It's been an eye-opener to me to realize how many of us in this relatively small group of special women have been to that 'valley of the shadow of death.' I am SO thankful that we all made the trek out of there and back into the light! I hesitated to write anything about my journey, for fear that I might be thought of as crazier than a coot, but I am glad that I hit the SUBMIT button now----for selfish reasons as I realize I am not alone.

Yes, Sparkle-----the driving away from OR and my newborn baby, adopted from the hospital at 3 days old in a private adoption, and all of the 30+ years thereafter, was a trauma I never fully recovered from until the day I got the phone call from that grown-up baby. That was a true Oprah moment!

Excel----I, too, want cremation when the time comes (after they take whatever they need from my body, or use it for study in some university somewhere) followed by the biggest celebratory party this place has ever seen! Tears and laughter will be welcomed, as will singing and dancing around a mega-monster campfire! (If I could have my way, I would have the cremation right in that fire!)

Of course, if my kids decide that's not for them, whatever they choose to do will certainly be right. But I suspect they rather like my wish!

Janice, your nephews and family are doing what they need to do, and I am very happy that they found the courage to follow their needs in order to help themselves heal. You are a very strong woman, and I am glad you have your husband's family in your life.

[retiredhappy]

Soos, I, too, had a child when I was young that was adopted out. We were reunited in 1998 and I found out she had been raised by a wonderful family. I gained not only another daughter but a granddaughter as well. I felt that a hole in my heart had been fulled.

Glad you weren't successful in your attempt - you would be missed.

[JanetA]

Dear ones..

My heart does flips when I think of what wonderful women I have had the priviledge to become associated with thru this forum!

Isn't is great that we can share these tender moments w/ ones who really really care and are so quick to offer up support and encouragement!

I agree w/ those of you who mentioned the "memorial" that you desire when you die. What a sweet tribute, w/o all the gruesome funeral home "stuff", to just have family and friends around to CELEBRATE your life, rather than to MOURN your death. Yes, Janice, in your BIL's care, is it a mourning... because of his unusual cause of death,, but for the rest of us,, who will die "naturally" all in our own time...(WE HOPE), the "celebration" is a wonderful idea,, one which I will pass on to MY children, and I know they will TOO, be in accord with the idea.

Again,,, welcome to the new members, who, by the way,, we seem to be adding DAILY! (hee hee!) That's so great!

Oh to be present when we all get together! ! !

Ya'll have a great week, weekend and whatever fun thing comes next in your lives.

heartfelt hugs to all!

Janet A