My daughter...

[Cedar518]

Barb,
Everthing I would have said has already been said,..but I just have to repeat this.... she is BEAUTIFUL! And yes, she looks like you. She will figure it all out someday. And then she'll be contactingyou and that's when you can begin your relationship as mother and daughter. Not to dismiss the adoptive parents,.... but we're talking about YOU here.

Hugs!

[mtngal]

She's a sweetie Barbie, and very lucky she will have you waiting in the wings for when the time is right!

[Bethers]

Yes, she sure is beautiful. And like others, I'm sorry that the open adoption isn't working as you thought it would. However, I also think you are very lucky that you have the chance even with it NOT working, to see her for that few hours every year - and show that you love and care and are always going to be available. Like others have said, at some point she will most likely come to you for more time.

That said, I have one problem that I hope won't offend you. No, I haven't been in this situation, but I've worked with both adopted and adoptees - and in all cases, the children have been using names by the adoptive parents. I notice that you call her by the name you gave her. Do you do that in person also? To her, that's not her name as she's never known that name. And you might be better off accepting the name she's always known - because that's the one she's going to respond to for the rest of her life. When the day comes that the 2 of you really do get to spend more time, you can tell her the name you gave her in your heart - and that she's a very lucky child to have two names. But she probably wouldn't answer or respond to yours. I know it will always be the name in your heart - and you should never forget it - so, again, I don't mean that to offend.

You are also a rare exception to the case of the open adoption rules. In your case they could have worked. In most cases, it's not those who adopt the child that quit, but those who gave the child up for adoption. They end up doing what many divorced people do - the person without custody sees less and less of the child(ren) especially if then have another family.

But that is neither here nor there - you are hurting and I'm so sorry that these people haven't lived up to their end of the bargain. But I'm glad they haven't completely shut you out - because that beautiful girl will remember that you never missed a year and were they for every chance you were given. That will mean a lot to her. Big, big hugs to you.

[BarbaraRose]

Thanks Beth,
I only refer to her as Naomi around my family and friends, but whenever I am with her and her parents, I always use her name, Jordan. Someday she will know her first name I gave her. It is special to me so that is why I use it.

I am very grateful to have the one visit per year and actually the time goes pretty fast. I just wish I could at least know more about the things she is doing in her life. When they used to send updates with photos, it was so fun to see pics of her doing things she loves to do and hearing about all the activities she is involved in. I really miss that! But I make the most of our short visits with lots of questions and pictures! My dad comes with too, which is nice for him.
I write a letter to her on the 29th of every month, telling her what is new in my life, what is going on in the world, how I wonder what she is up to, etc. I keep all the letters and will someday give those to her. I am also working on my family history, so she will know the background of her biological family as well. I am hopeful that we will one day form a close friendship, but I will leave that up to her as to what she feels comfortable with.

It didn't turn out to be the perfect arrangement for me, but it is the perfect one for her, and that is what is most important.

[rvgrammy1953]

Barbie,

I've been 2 days trying to gather my thoughts and to come up with some re-assuring wisdom to relay here. I have read and re-read everyones' post and I can't express things any better on your choice you made giving your daughter up. So, I've decided to write an open letter hoping that it will give you comfort and let you know that you are loved, always......It's a letter I wrote 31 years ago, but will update it....

Dear Bill's Birth-Mom (and all other Birth-Moms),

It has been 31 years ago this last January 7th since you gave your heart and your newborn baby boy to us. What a difficult decision for you to make!....Giving a part of you away to strangers. I feel sure you have wonder and hoped that all is well with him and that he is still healthy and happy. Let me assure you that he is and that he is a grown man you can be proud of. Although we started out being an "open adoption", your life and ours prevented us from keeping in touch. But I'm sure you still cherish the photos and up-dates that we gave you before we all drifted apart. We have searched for you, but to no avail.

As I told you then, I was and still am impressed with the maturity, heart, love and wisdom you showed by knowing that at 17 years old, you could not care for a little one the way you would have wanted to; and that giving him the opportunity to have a loving, caring family who could, was the best thing for both of you.

Bill has always known that he is "Twice Loved".....by you and by us.....He has always known that he was chosen, by God, to be a son to you and to us, and he has always known that, if he wanted to, he can search for you to meet and get to know you, with our blessings.

I want to thank you for giving me the opportunity to be a Mom, and all that comes with it.....something that I wouldn't have had without you making your choice so early in life. I will always hold a special place in my heart for you. We now have a Grand-daughter, and when she is old enough to understand, I will tell her about the beautiful, loving lady who gave her Daddy life. Don't worry, we still have your picture to show her....

I hope your life is a happy and full-filling one and that God has blessed you twice over.

[BarbaraRose]

Oh my gosh! I am trying not to cry at work! That is just beautiful! Thank you for sharing that! Has your son or granddaughter had contact with her since you sent that letter all those years ago?

Thanks again, you are wonderful!

[rvgrammy1953]

I wrote the original letter when our adoption was final.....31 yrs. ago....Our son is now, 31 and our grand-daughter is 3......No contact since then,.. she just seem to drop off the face of the earth....Her choice....we've searched for her when our son turned 18 yrs....and he's tried again a few years back....but no luck....we all agree that if it is meant to be, it will happen....but I still feel the same way.......right after we were married, 33 yrs.ago, I lost twins and come to find out it was because of cancer....had a hysterectomy to save my life.......hence, the adoption......so now you know the whole story......I just hope you feel better about things and know that you are special and "Twice Loved", too....

[JanetA]

Dear Barbie,,,

first of all, hugs to you and my deepest sympathies for your hurting right now. I ditto what Vicki said and I just add these few words. As for those ppl renigging on their letting you have those visits,, they probably started to feel differently AFTER they had her and bonded her for whatever time that took,, so that naturally changed their minds and their feelings about letting her also bond w/ you early on. They were just being protective of her for HER sake,, not theirs,, (I would hope they think of HER first). You know how confused and complicated life can seem to a little one. So rest assured they are doing what is best for your/their daughter for NOW.

Also, rest assured that when she gets mature enough to want to get to know her real mom, AND SHE WILL,, that she will look you up and then you will have the blessing of having a relationship w/ you and you will be happy and content, and glad that you did what you did. I know it is painful for you, now, that you can't share in all her life events as a child, but that was part of your sacrifice and you are feeling totally NATURAL in your sadness. Just ask for God's comfort in the mean time and He will give it to you, w/ you knowing that your precious daughter is being well cared for and loved. That is all a mother can ask of anyone.

Many hugs to you and much love and comfort to you from me! (hope this helps!)

Love ya!

JanetV

[BarbaraRose]

I went thru many years of deep sadness, depression and anger. I have pretty much dealt with all of these and have forgiven them for the most part (an ongoing process). They are good people and great parents so I have no regrets there, just some left over disappointment. I have accepted the arrangement as it is and let what ever happens from now on, be what it is. If I can have more time with her in the future, that will be wonderful! If not, I will accept that too. From now on, I feel it will be up to her whether or not she wants more contact, so I want what she wants. I am OK with that. It was just the first several years that were so hard for me as I had so many expectations that never materialized. I knew several other birthmothers who had wonderful relationships with the adoptive parents and their children, so I was expecting the same for me.
I do know of open adoptions where the birthmom disappears from their lives. I suppose they are content that their child is fine, or maybe it is too difficult to see their child with someone else so they stay away. Also, if they marry and have more kids, they are busy and concentrating on their current family life. To each their own. We all deal with these things in our own way. It is a very personal thing.
I am very excited tho, to be getting a visit soon! I look so forward to seeing her again!

[Nasoosie]

YAY, Barbie! I am so happy for you!

And Lori, that letter made me cry very hard, also. My adoptive parents were good parents, for the early years, but Mona's adoptive mother died when she was just 12 years old of cancer. I was breaking my neck trying to find out about her for all her life since I left her in OR, and here she was, orphaned by another mother----I would have taken her into my home at that point in a heartbeat! But those records were sealed up tighter than a drum, to both her and to me. Her adoptive father tried to take care of her, but he never remarried. She ended up being informally adopted by family friends who had about 10 sons, and so Mona became the only, rather spoiled, daughter!

I belong to a birthmothers' online group, and we have known each other for about 20 years now----we were all searching for our kids when we first met. Most of us have found them now, and have grandkids, and see them as often as we can. Only two of us found adoptive parents who are too terrified to share our kids. And, yes---I can understand the feelings of adoptive parents, particularly if they were not honest about their kids having been adopted. And one of us who lives here in NY where birth records are still sealed, hasn't found her first-born daughter yet. My Mona always knew she had been adopted, and, when Sandra Day O'Connor opened up Oregon's birth records, there I was!

I also discovered I had an 18-year-old granddaughter (who is now 24 and married) when I first met Mona! Now I also have two great grandkids....a boy, Joshua, and a girl, Isabella. Amazing what twists life takes us on, eh?

I see them now and then, although they live on the other coast and I don't fly. It is they who fly here, and I pay the airfare when I can. I am hoping to have my whole fam damily under this roof this summer for my retirement party!

[BarbaraRose]

Soos, that is great that you were finally able to connect with your daughter and grandkids! Some adoptive parents are very paranoid and threatened by the birthparents. I knew one guy who was an "only child" until one day he got a call from someone saying she was his sister. Turns out he was adopted but never told by his adoptive parents. Also turns out he had 12 brothers and sisters! He flew out to Colorado to meet them all. What a shock that must have been!

I was on an on-line birthmother group in the beginning too, but felt it was holding me back from moving on emotionally after awhile. I wanted to be more than just a "birthmother" and didn't want to dwell on only that. I needed to focus on other areas of my life in order to heal and move on. I wrote a poem on my first Mother's Day. If anyone is interested, I can send you a link to it.

[Mollysmom]

Your daughter is beautiful - good for you ! You were brave enough to let someone else give her what you couldn't. She'll understand all that some day and then you can form a closer relationship. For now, I guess you have to take what you get. It's really rotten they lied to you, but I'm sure they were so desperate to have a baby that they just weren't thinking straight and unfortunately got some unethical advise.
Thank you for sharing your story with us and thank you for loving your daughter enough to give her this gift.

[Bethers]

Barbie,
I'm glad you understood me- and I do understand you thinking of her with the name you chose for her. Hopefully one day she'll be thrilled to know she has that 2nd name. Hopefully one day she'll make the effort to get to know you more. And by you doing what you are - being there on the once a years you're being allowed - believe me, she'll remember that and realize how special that is.

Lori, I, too got tears. For both you and the young lady (not so young anymore) who gave you your wonderful son.

Life sure does take us on quite a journey, doesn't it?