Down in the Dumps

[JudyJB]

Karen, I have never lived close to my kids, mostly because my experience has been that it just does not work out being together all the time. They and I need my space. We get along a lot better at a distance and for short visits, both ways.

I understand about the "elderly" people in your park. I am 71 , but I remember about 4 years ago, my California son took me to look at some of the senior Dell Webb complexes of small houses and small yards. I loved the little places, but when they started trying to sell me on the bingo, potlucks, ice cream socials, and stuff, it really turned me off. I decided I did not want to me somewhere where there was so much togetherness!! I suspect a lot of us on this forum tend to be more independent.

So maybe you need to stay put until spring and decide then if you can move to a different, slightly younger community, sell your mobile and get an apartment, or travel or whatever.

There are groups of seniors in some places where they do a call-in. In other words, they take turns making several calls in the morning to make sure others are OK. You can do calling and also be called. Actually, a few on this forum could organize something like that just among ourselves, especially those of us who have unlimited cell phone calling. Volunteering is also good because they would know if you did not show up.

[monik7]

I agree with Judy about being too close. I took care of my grandchildren for 10 years. They live 40 miles from me. In every week I spent 6-7 hours in commute traffic. I also gave up 10 years of my regular salary that would really help me now. I don't believe my daughter ever gave a thought to how much sacrifice it required to be there every day. But being there every day is what I believe led to the disintegration of our once-loving relationship. She started misinterpreting things I did or said and began to think I was showing that she wasn't a good mother. She couldn't have been farther from the truth. But I made the mistake of helping too much - always did the kids' laundry, helped them with school work, picked them up from school, drove them to soccer . . . I think she felt I was trying to show her how to do things when I was just trying to ease her burden. While I am glad I got to be there with the kids for 10 years, each from the age of 4 months, I also regret it because of what it did to our relationship. So now I'm only 40 miles away, but if something happens to me here, no one will know for I don't know how long. At least now you have a good relationship where your daughter could call you regularly to make sure you're OK.

I was reluctant to add my story because this thread is about you. I only wanted to give an example of what happened to me when being so close to my daughter. I think the recommendations by others to take some time to decide what you want to do are good ones. I would guess you might not want to have to make this decision again, since every move gets harder and harder. I think Judi's idea of having a place for forum members would be great, but probably won't happen.

You have my best wishes Karen, take your time, and eventually you'll be able to decide what's best for you.
Sandi

[Bethers]

(((((((((((((((((((((Karen))))))))))))))))))))

How about if you don't post here everyday, we'll check on you? I think there may be others that wouldn't mind that, either. We ARE family ... no matter the distance between us.

As to joining, I try, really I do, but I'm definitely not much of one either. I'm at an Escapees Park where everyone is asking me to do everything, and I'm running lol. And I've only been here one day! That said, I did purchase a dinner ticket for Monday- as the price is right and I want all the food lol. It's also why I don't jump on the bandwagon when some talk about us having a "park" - as it would still require me to be more social than I want - which I already have trouble with at some gtg's. Doesn't mean I don't like everyone, but I'm just not the social butterfly person. Luckily you people have accepted that about me (for the most part).

Karen, we're behind whatever you decide to do. I'm always looking at what I want to do -have had opportunities to purchase or lease - just can't decide I want to be in one place, and can't afford to do it and travel. I certainly wouldn't want to pay everything off and then have a new payment. But if that's what it would take for you to be happy and comfortable, then you'll do it. Take your time - after the holidays - and don't let anyone convince you what you want - if it's right for you, you'll make that decision.

Love you g/f. And if you do get that western trip taken later in the spring/early summer - hope you get near enough for us to have a gtg.

[judi]

Beth - if by some stroke of luck or a big lottery winning - we had a park, you could be any level of social you would like. I'm some what of a hermit and I also like my privacy and alone time. We'll give you signs that you can post: They could read "stay away", "welcome", and "step one foot into my space and I'll pull out your hair". ))

[JudyJB]

I did not mean having a park. I was just suggesting that if a group of us who were concerned about no one noticing if they fell or got sick that people could agree to call each other once per day. If no answer then there would be instructions on what to do next--call nearby friend or 911 or whatever.

[Bethers]

I did not mean having a park. I was just suggesting that if a group of us who were concerned about no one noticing if they fell or got sick that people could agree to call each other once per day. If no answer then there would be instructions on what to do next--call nearby friend or 911 or whatever.

Judy, other posts have mentioned having a park - I was commenting on several different things that have been brought up.

And didn't I suggest that about people posting daily? I could make a private page on here where people could post details about calling, etc - but it will only work if everyone who wants to be part of it is diligent about posting, or letting us know if they might not post.

[Bethers]

Beth - if by some stroke of luck or a big lottery winning - we had a park, you could be any level of social you would like. I'm some what of a hermit and I also like my privacy and alone time. We'll give you signs that you can post: They could read "stay away", "welcome", and "step one foot into my space and I'll pull out your hair". ))

Judi, I'm laughing so hard.

That said, could you imagine this group selecting a location that very many would agree to? Of course, if anyone has a large piece of property in a very southern (warm) location ... I mean, it could happen lolol

[gingerK]

Yeah, its probably the season that's got me down. Not a fan of the holiday season.

You and me both.

[dpf]

Beth - if by some stroke of luck or a big lottery winning - we had a park, you could be any level of social you would like. I'm some what of a hermit and I also like my privacy and alone time. We'll give you signs that you can post: They could read "stay away", "welcome", and "step one foot into my space and I'll pull out your hair". ))

Judi, I'm laughing so hard.

That said, could you imagine this group selecting a location that very many would agree to? Of course, if anyone has a large piece of property in a very southern (warm) location ... I mean, it could happen lolol

Well...I've got the land. Unfortunately I don't think it has the climate you have in mind.

[chalet05]

We are such an interesting group! I like to join when I want to join! One reason I'm not at the 'old' park was that people were judgmental if you didn't do what they thought you ought to.

When I moved to Port Angeles, WA after Steven died because that is where we had already decided on. One daughter's family lived there. I bought a house, blah, blah. A year later they announced they were moving to Kansas (I wasn't surprised). That is when I decided to hit the road again. I didn't want to live in Kansas and I rarely saw my other daughter.

Karen, from time to time I think about needing to be near a daughter if I were sick, but I'm not fond of where either of them live. I figure if I'm dead, I won't care if they don't find me right away - but then I tend to have a harsh take on life at times. Plus, I don't have pets to worry about. For me, life will just have to take care itself.

That said, I agree, you need to do what feels right to you! I know it is a tough decision - what should you do vs. what do you want to do. Sending a big hug!

[Liz]

(((Hugs))), Karen. You seemed to be very happy traveling in your downsized Roadtrek. When I get down in the dumps, planning my next trip always lifts my spirits. And because your home and RV will be paid for as you say, you'll have more money for trips. Plan a visit with your dd coming and going, or more often if you wish, but you don't have to move there. As Judy said, you can make that decision if the day comes when you need to. And maybe in your travels, you'll find another place that catches your fancy.

For me, I love traveling full-time, interspersed with a few longer spells in one place like now. When I can't do that anymore, then I'll decide what I should do next, hopefully before someone else has to decide for me.

[Redetotry]

Karen, from time to time I think about needing to be near a daughter if I were sick, but I'm not fond of where either of them live. I figure if I'm dead, I won't care if they don't find me right away - but then I tend to have a harsh take on life at times. Plus, I don't have pets to worry about. For me, life will just have to take care itself.

When I read your remark Anita about not caring if they don't find you right away, it made me think of my Step Mother. After my dad died she paid the little boy next door to do what my brothers and I came to call the 'dead check'. I think he was around 8 or 9 and I often wondered how she presented his job description to him of checking on her every day to see is she was alive. She paid him in cookies and they were great buddies. Fortunately she lived many years after his family moved away.

Karen I agree, do what feels best for you and not what someone else thinks you should do. Hopefully you will feel better and it will be easier to decide what YOU want when the holidays are over.

[BarbaraRose]

She paid him in cookies...

That would work for me!!! (getting paid in cookies, that is ).

[Colliemom]

Karen,

I know how you feel about that not having anybody around if you get sick or need help etc. even if you have a park full of people around you. I have same thing here. I have neighbors but they are all doing their thing and like you, I could die and nobody would notice. It's one reason that I had given serious thought to moving to the U.P. Figured I may as well be where I love it so. But last year my neighbors sold their house to a nice lady from NY and we have become friends. And she does check on me, so that's good. So am staying put. Your daughter wants you up there cause she doesn't know anybody right now, but maybe later might get friends their own age and then be doing other things. The grands gravitate to kids their own age, the mothers meet and you know how that goes.

I've watched my one cousin who lost her husband a few years ago become so lonesome that she sold house here in MI and move to NC where her son and family were stationed at the Marine base only to have her son transferred to Fl a year later.
So she finally sod, packed up and moved to Fl which is where she and hubby had originally planned to go anyway. Now son is retired from Marine Corps and has moved up into the northeast and mom is down in FL. But she is spending a lot of time in PA with other son and family too, so I see another move in future. So you can't always follow the kids.

You mentioned wanting to travel. Why not do it. You can leave your mobile and go. Spend some time at the kids in OK but godmother places too.see how you like OK weather, like the area for awhile but also travel to other places as well. Like some have said, maybe settle some place you like and go visit. But don't jump into something right now. You will know what to do when your heart tells you it's right.

[Aokay]

I just had to jump in on this post and offer a suggestion for whatever it is worth. When I spent the past year in Oregon, the daughter who lives there felt obligated to check in on me which I didn't like as I felt it would eventually become something she would look at as just one more thing to "have" to do so I told her I would send her a smiley face text each morning when I got up. If she received a frowny face, she needed to call me OR if she received no face at all, she definitely needed to follow up. This worked great for her and it also gave me peace of mind knowing that if I wasn't heard from, someone would know there was a problem.

Having five adult children, you would think I would be enveloped in constant love and attention but that is not the case. AND it isn't the norm for it to be that way. Our children grow up the way we have taught them to be....very independent....plus we set an example by being independent as well. Therefore, they assume we are able to take care of ourselves and our well being is not necessarily prioritized on their "to do" list.

Like a lot of you, I'm happy they are not hovering over me and worrying about me, at least for now. I am aware, however, that there may be a time when I will feel differently and want more attention and even possibly some assistance. This is a dreaded thought but a reality.

For the time being...isn't life great??

Judy