Possible big turn of events...

[BarbaraRose]

This morning I got an e-mail from my sister-in-law about my dad. It seems he started drinking again and heavily, about a month ago. A week ago, he fell at home and the renter downstairs heard it and came up to check on him. He then called my brother who called 911 and had him taken to the hospital (the last time that happened, he had had a massive stroke). No stroke this time, but his blood alcohol level was .26. Last time he was at .23 and after a strict lecture from the doctor, he decided to quit drinking and hasn't had a drink since then (about 5 years ago) until now. However, he is still drinking and is totally denying it now, and obviously has no intention to quit again.

I didn't know any of this until this morning.

I know my dad misses me terribly since I moved out here. He just turned 85 and if he continues to drink, it won't be long before he kills himself one way or the other. My SIL says there is really nothing anyone can do for him at this point but just watch him closely.

I have been thinking about this all day trying to decide what I can/should do. My lease is up next month and I have been thinking about moving down to San Diego. I am wondering tho, if that is the right thing to do under the circumstances or if I should consider moving back to MN? He may or may not quit drinking if I go back, but if something bad does happen to him, how will I feel if I stay out here? How will I feel if I go back and have to deal with his drinking again? So many things going thru my mind right now...

If I was to go back, now would be a better time to do it before winter sets in and while I have the money for moving expenses and with my lease ending here soon. I can always move back out here later on, if I want to.

Sorry about all my rambling...just so much to think about and decisions to make one way or the other.

[Pooker]

One truth we learn in life: You can't "save" another human being. They will do what they will do regardless of our intentions.

I'm sure you will do what your heart tells you to do. Move, or not. Go to MN, or not. Or to San Diego, or not. Good luck with whatever you decide. Nothing is etched in gold.

Evie

[Mollysmom]

You, of course, need to do what your heart tells you is right, but I'll put my two cents in ...
Living with an alcoholic is hell - if you choose to do so, you should really go to Al-Anon so you can learn how to do so without losing yourself in the process. If you feel you need to "be there" for your Dad, you could tell him you'll move back only if he's not drinking and you'll move away if he starts drinking again, if you do that you have to mean it.
I come from a long line of alcoholics and am a recovering alcoholic so I know how we think - booze is more important then anything.
You need to speak with him and see what he wants - what he's willing to do if you move back & then decide what you want and what you're willing to do if you move back. It's hard to "let" a parent (or any loved one) kill themselves with alcohol, but you cannot make them stop if they don't want to. He made a choice when he started drinking again - maybe he is lonely, but that's not your fault.
OK - that's it, I need to stop now. I tend to go on and on when it comes to this topic.
Before you make a decision, talk to your Dad - go to an Al-Anon meeting and listen to people that are living with an alcoholic - try to think of how you'll feel if you don't go back - make a pro & con list and good luck ! It's a tough place to be and I wish you well !!!

[BarbaraRose]

I just got off the phone with my dad. He sounded fine (sober). He told me about what happened last week (I didn't tell him I already knew) and got a sugar-coated version of it. However, he is really, really pissed at my brother for calling an ambulence and having him taken to the hospital. Then my brother called him after he got home and told him he wanted to go with him to see his regular doctor so he could talk to the doctor too. My dad really got mad and they had a big argument and my brother ended up hanging up on my dad. My dad never went in to see his doctor. He doesn't want anyone getting involved in his health issues (of which he says he has none). I told my dad that David is just concerned about him.

Now I am wondering if it would be better to stay here for now, if my dad resents having anyone trying to help him at this point. Maybe just keeping in touch with him more often would be better than going back right now...

thinking, thinking, thinking...

(I posted my resume on-line yesterday at GreatClips.com for shops in the San Diego area and just got a couple of calls from managers about jobs available, including an assistant manager position near Oceanside.)

[JoanE]

Do not give up your life and future for someone who has made a conscious decision to ruin theirs. He really won't appreciate it. You will eventually resent him. We all have choices and if your Dad chooses to drink to excess that is his choice but you do not have to watch him deteriorate and/or have it impact you. Al Anon is a good organization to check out. It is too easy to get into a co-dependency relationship. The best love is tough love.

[BirdbyBird]

Sounds as if you are doing some good sorting out. As the doctors told me regarding my father several years ago before he passed. He was still competent to make bad decisions. Your brothers are there, if he needs help and will accept it, sounds as if he has it available. The Al Anon suggestions sound like a good ones.

[JudyJB]

My mother started drinking heavily after my dad died, at the age of 80. My aunt, her sister who lived across the street, squealed on her, and thankfully she was willing to go into treatment.

The time might not be right for your dad to want to go into treatment, but maybe that time will come soon, hopefully before he hurts himself or others. In case that happens, I thought you might want to know that there are special geriatric alcohol treatment centers, but you have to look for them. Even social workers are not always aware of them, but we found one in a small-town hospital that handled only 8 geriatric patients at one time. Most were in wheelchairs or used walkers or canes and they went over everything very slowly and loudly because most were also hard of hearing.

I agree that you should attend alanon to help oyu make your decision about moving. Maybe you could find a month-to-month lease for a while. I hope it all works out for you. It is very difficult having to be a parent to your parent.

[Acadianmom]

Having to deal with an aging parent is hard enough without alcohol added to the mix. It sounded like you were the one that your dad saw when you lived there. If you aren't there, your brother has to step up. For some reason they think they shouldn't have to help too. My sister and I had to take care of our mom and dad with no help from our 2 brothers. We had to make the hard decisions and inconvenience our families.

If you decide to stay, hopefully you can find a place that you don't have to have a years lease.

Martha

[rvgrammy1953]

I just got off the phone with my dad. He sounded fine (sober). He told me about what happened last week (I didn't tell him I already knew) and got a sugar-coated version of it. However, he is really, really pissed at my brother for calling an ambulence and having him taken to the hospital. Then my brother called him after he got home and told him he wanted to go with him to see his regular doctor so he could talk to the doctor too. My dad really got mad and they had a big argument and my brother ended up hanging up on my dad. My dad never went in to see his doctor. He doesn't want anyone getting involved in his health issues (of which he says he has none). I told my dad that David is just concerned about him.

Now I am wondering if it would be better to stay here for now, if my dad resents having anyone trying to help him at this point. Maybe just keeping in touch with him more often would be better than going back right now...

thinking, thinking, thinking...

(I posted my resume on-line yesterday at GreatClips.com for shops in the San Diego area and just got a couple of calls from managers about jobs available, including an assistant manager position near Oceanside.)

I'm not the one to give you advise about living with an alcoholic.....cause I do....a functioning one, yes, but still an alcoholic....but from what you wrote in this post, God may have given you an answer in your last sentence...... What gives me strength and help daily are the following: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, The courage to change the things I can, And the Wisdom to Know The Difference......" Saint Francis...... My other favorite "quote" I use all the time...."One day at a Time"...Al Anon and AA...

I wish you luck on your decision and send you much love and ((((HUGS))))....

[JanetA]

I lived w/ a drinker/drunk for 7 yrs and when I decided to divorce him. i felt a 10 ton wt. lifted off my shoulders. My 88 yr old dad was drinking when I moved in w/ them 4 yrs ago and it was very hard to watch him lose his dignity. Broke my heart, actually. If I had the choice not to be there to see that , I surely would have NOT been,, but my mom also was there and needed me... SO... I moved in. Daddy is now in the nursing home and I buy him a bottle about once every 3 months. They dole it out to him and it's not NEARLY so much as he drank by himself. So,,that relieved me of that,, after 3 yrs of it. (AND my mom didnd't have to put up w/ it)

I would put my 2 cents in for you by saying I agree w/ Joan E. You can NOT change he who does not WANT to change... and to give up YOUR life for a life of misery and extreme tension w/ your dad,,, would sure not be pleasant for you,,... so


think long and hard before you make a move ... and talk it over w/ your brother...so there won't be any resentment between you 2.

Good luck w/ making the decision.. my heart is with you knowing how difficult it will be.

JanetA

[snowball]

I'm not the right one to zone in on this as I've never had to make a choice like that...just know this that we are all here and will support you in your choice we might tell you we disagree but will support you with our thoughts and prayers and ((((hugs))))
having to make a choice like that would be so hard to do how do you make a pro and con on something of this nature but feel like that would be a good start
but it is hard to compartmentalize feelings that you just have to feel what is best to do...knowing that if you choose to return home that it's going to be hard (I trust what those who are in that situation say) Did your dad say why he went off the wagon? If he would share his feelings via phone maybe that would help in knowing what to do
Good luck Barbie
sheila

[cpatinjones]

Tough decisions, indeed. Think and pray about it. The others have given you some great advice.

[mitch5252]

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Good luck with a very difficult decision, Barbie.
There's some good advice here.

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[Travelinana]

Most of us have faced a similar situation..unfortunately, all are unique and there is no instruction manual. I will say a prayer for you with this decision.

[Redetotry]

Lots of good advise form your friends here hopefully you can use it to help you make the right decision. Please do consider your own health and future. Like others have said there are times you just really can't help someone except to offer your love but also make your boundaries clear. I'll be thinking of you as you struggle with this. (((((((HUGS)))))))