Granny Jokes/ A Little Off Color
Posted: Fri Jun 10, 2011 11:56 pmTwo elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs, doing
nothing.
One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, ‘Oh sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?
**********************************************************
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Ft.
Lauderdale reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green
grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a
cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that
onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of
two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady
remarked, “I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're
talking about.”
**********************************************************
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in ‘The Villages’, a Florida
Adult community... A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the
bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, ‘are you a stranger here?'
He replies, ‘I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?'
**********************************************************
Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers, he was a widower and she a widow,
had known each other for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went
on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage
to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes...
Yes, I will!'
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their
respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or
did she say ‘no’?'
He couldn’t remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even
a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her...
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he
reviewed the lovely evening past... As he gained a little more courage, he
inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you
say 'No'?'
He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, Yes, yes I will' and I meant
it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And, I am so glad that you
called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'
**********************************************************
A man was telling his neighbor in Miami , 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art... It’s perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
“Twelve thirty.”
**********************************************************
A little old man shuffled slowly into the ‘Orange Dipper', an ice cream
parlor in Naples, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, ‘hemorrhoids’.
In God We Trust
"Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it"
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!
nothing.
One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, ‘Oh sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?
**********************************************************
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Ft.
Lauderdale reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green
grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a
cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that
onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of
two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady
remarked, “I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're
talking about.”
**********************************************************
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in ‘The Villages’, a Florida
Adult community... A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the
bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, ‘are you a stranger here?'
He replies, ‘I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?'
**********************************************************
Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers, he was a widower and she a widow,
had known each other for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went
on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage
to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes...
Yes, I will!'
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their
respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or
did she say ‘no’?'
He couldn’t remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even
a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her...
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he
reviewed the lovely evening past... As he gained a little more courage, he
inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you
say 'No'?'
He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, Yes, yes I will' and I meant
it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And, I am so glad that you
called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'
**********************************************************
A man was telling his neighbor in Miami , 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art... It’s perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
“Twelve thirty.”
**********************************************************
A little old man shuffled slowly into the ‘Orange Dipper', an ice cream
parlor in Naples, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, ‘hemorrhoids’.
In God We Trust
"Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it"
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!
Is the writer speaking from experience 
or just repeating what a friend confided....