WOMAN"S WEEK AT THE GYM

[Sunseeker]

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high
school football cheerleader 43 years ago,
I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a
personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old
aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get
started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress

________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed,
but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to
find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I
enjoyed watching he skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics
class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although
my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was
around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron
bar into the air then she put weights on it!
My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.
Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT-!!

It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter
and moving my mouth back and forth over it.
I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.
I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my
screams bothered other club members.
Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning
and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that
is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda
put me on the stair monster.
Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other crap too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed
as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.
I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.
When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom.
She sent another skinny witch to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine
-- which I sank.
_________ _ _____________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that witch Belinda more than any human being
has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader.
If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain,
I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the stupid barbells
or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today.
Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner;
however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote
and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today
so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.
I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little brat)
will choose a gift for me that is fun --
like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

I still say if God had wanted me to bend over,
he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

[avalen]

[Paulette]

OMG, that would be me!!! Too funny!